(Not) Escaping Myself (part 2)

I got to spend time with Sarah and Matthew today (the kids I nannied for before going to seminary). They were starting to bicker and I found myself praying "wisdom, grace and humility." That was my constant prayer as I worked with them as a nanny. I wanted wisdom to know what to do when they were fighting, grace from God for myself (and to show to them) in all situations, and humility so that I would not respond to them with anger.

The thing that really struck me is that those things are almost identical to what I pray for in my leadership now, specifically - wisdom, courage and humility. I caught my breath in realizing that my time with Sarah and Matthew God grew my understanding of my need for him, his work, and his power for my life and that has overflowed into my time as a leader. It's also encouraging to recognize that what was developed then is continuing in now.

Do I escape my bad habits by changing location? No. But do the little things God has grown in me also follow me to new places? By God's grace, yes. What we do with the small things and those quiet, waiting, "in between times" God displays for his glory as he gives more opportunities to serve.

Escaping Myself (?)

I got to Maryland today and was ready to rest, unwind and relax. Yet something was bugging me in the back of my head - mainly, my "to do" list. I had not written it down and I wanted to be able to see everything I planned to do. Once I wrote it down, though, it didn't help. I realized I had too many people to see and work to do to do it all AND get some rest.
This is a theme with me; I over-schedule myself. I lean towards not feeling of worth unless I am busy. PLUS, I really don't like saying no to people and or activities.
I find it amusing, though, to see that I simply expect a change of circumstances to change the heart and core of who I am. I thought that getting away from CIU would slow me down. Nope. I feel this is normal - we try to change things around us to slow down, stop a bad habit (sin), etc. when often the change of circumstance more clearly exposes one's sin. I've heard this is especially true in marriage - so for all singles who think marriage will fix that something, it won't. It'll only more clearly expose it.
I have no hope but to come before God with this all through prayer to ask him for grace and courage to say no - no to others and no to myself. To repent of the belief that I can do it all, and to accept the limits he has in place - including the need for rest.
As I see God for who he is and accept the reality of who I am (and my limits) maybe then I can have a restful and joyful break... and Spring semester.

A Hard Ending

This last semester's finish was hard and I feel like over the last few days I have been coming out of a tailspin. As I have been able to unwind myself and gain perspective,  I was hit by a few hard facts:
- It is easy to get busy and cease to be present with people. I found myself running around with a mental checklist and forgetting the importance of stopping and being fully present with people. Was a lot accomplished? By the world's standard's, yes; but God wants hearts full of worship and ready to love all those who are around well.
- Sin and spiritual warfare hit more heavily during these times. I was amazed at the fear (more on that later) that started to show its face and how easily distracted and discouraged I was. Little things set me off as they shouldn't and my reactions were a little irrational.
- I let things slide - things like organizing and planning and practical planning for anything after the day got pushed to the back burner as I focused on one day at a time (needful, but often not very helpful).
In all this, I am so thankful for God's grace and the Body of Christ, I could not have made it through the last few weeks without other people's encouragement and prayers. Thankfully there are seasons - these times when the things overwhelm, but also times of rest. My prayer is that I would truly enjoy the season of rest and be fully prepared for all God has next semester.

Someone Prayed

This last week has been long on many fronts - I was involved with the planning of many activities, finished up some assignments, tried to maintain a personal life and have been dealing with a lot of deep-rooted fear that has come to the surface. Earlier this evening I sent out my prayer update to those who have committed to regularly pray for me as I serve this year on GLC, spent some time with Jesus, and was about to go to bed still somewhat befuddled and stressed.
I lay down and proceeded to have a conversation with Jesus (I find myself having more and more... sometimes repeating the same topics) about the past week and some of the big current stressors - my frustrations and fears. As I talked frankly with God, he gave me perspective and love. It surprised me. It had been something I have been seeking the past few days, yet had not been able to grasp hold of. As the perspective kicked in and God's peace descended this thought hit me: someone prayed. I have been coming to God on my own about these issues, yet with the prayer of others added God came and met me.
I quickly forget that I am part of a body; that I am not meant to do this on my own. America promotes that lone-ranger mentality - pull yourself up and manage. Yet being part of the Body of Christ forbids that thought. Others can join in my suffering and I can join in theirs (1 Cor. 12:26); we can walk with one another through prayer. So thank you to all those who have prayed and are praying for me... and if you ever want me to join you in prayer, I'd be privileged.

Surprises

Today getting ready for chapel I was excited. I felt like a little kid getting ready to pull off a big surprise that I knew would delight the grown ups. And it did. The chapel was amazing - it was so great to get to surprise and honor the professors who have poured so much time, effort and energy into our lives. So great to see the body of Christ, the grad/sem students here at CIU, coming together for such an event and in such a way to honor the professors.
As I finished the day, cleaned up and started to unwind I realized that God likely has that feeling. He watches me run around, doing the same routine day in and day out, yet in the middle of my day he sometimes just likes to drop a delightful surprise in my lap. I often forget that God is a good heavenly Father who likes to give good gifts (Matt. 7:11) until I have the opportunity of bestowing a gift on another and recognize anew the expression of love and pure delight in bringing a smile to the face of another.
I hope I learn to be bold in seeking God's gifts and just as bold in graciously giving to others.

Needing More Grace

I do poorly accepting God's grace. Let's just say this is a theme in my life. I struggle to work at and earn God's love and approval. When I fail (aka sin) I feel a terrible, terrible distance from him. I feel as if my world will fall apart until I can do enough, be good enough so that he will again love and accept me.

This past week I messed up - "sinned" would be the theological term. I beat myself up and have desperately tried to make accounts with God and the person I hurt. But today, while I was in church it hit me - I need God's grace. 

I know this is so simple and so basic, but I need to come back to this repeatedly. Regardless of how I've grown in my relationship with God, it is never, EVER about what I do or how "good" I am. It is truly and fully about him and the outflow of his grace. He pours it out so abundantly and is so willing to forgive, so why do I seek to make things right? 

I must surrender my belief in my own goodness, realize that I am and will always be in need of his grace and accept from him all he has to offer at every stage of my life and walk. Only then will I be able to allow his grace to pour out of my life onto others. It will never be about me.

Does God Cry With You?

Do you believe in an empathetic and loving God? I have internalized this concept that God is not empathetic. Let me explain - when I am in pain either physically or emotionally, I more often then not envision God standing far off and going "Tsk, tsk, tsk. You should have known better then to allow that to happen."  I know conceptually that it does not make sense, but that's how I often feel. I feel this heavy weight of expectation - if I was better, if I had been more careful, if SOMETHING, then I wouldn't be experiencing this pain.
I woke up this morning frustrated as my back had been bugging me a good deal last night and honestly, when that happens I tend to say "screw it" and have a few bad habits that kick in that do nothing to help the situation. I started to kick myself a bit this morning and then this thought struck me - God was sad with me last night; Jesus sympathizes with my weakness (Heb. 4:15).
I think the beauty of celebrating Christmas is this very fact - the God of the whole universe chose to come down suffer, struggle, experience pain so that we would see and know that he lived what we've lived. He truly can sympathize with us and all our pain and heartache - regardless of it being self-inflicted or other inflicted. He's here with us and willing to cry with us if we let him.

Spiritual Warfare or Just a Little Crazy?

This past week a few things hit me and I allowed a little bit of crazy to set in. I got a little selfish, a little scared and a little crazy. Getting back to South Carolina on Saturday I felt these things increased - especially in my interactions with my boyfriend.
I hope I am not alone in having one of those days (or weeks). I woke up this morning and felt like a different person. I felt sane. There's really no other way to describe it. I thought through some of my actions/reactions over the past week and thought "Yeah, that was a little bit (or whole lot) of crazy." The other thought that quietly came up is this - spiritual warfare still happens.
I know the whole phrase "spiritual warfare" is thought of as an overseas thing - where demons are exorcized or something - but I feel we (I included) neglect to recognize that we are not wrestling against flesh and blood but against powers and spiritual forces (Eph. 6:12). When we neglect the reality of spiritual warfare in our lives we miss out - we miss out on some of the causes of our problems, but even more on the power to combat them. If we seek to solve everything on our own in our flesh we will not have the power.
When I'm getting a little crazy or freaking out over something it must not be my flesh that seeks to battle these things - I must learn to bring them before God and seek his heart and wisdom in the matter.
Though we live in a world of the seen, we must remember that our battle is not with the seen alone. We must battle the unseen forces that seek to sway us from obediently following Jesus to have victory.

Thanksgiving and Quiet (?)

I love Thanksgiving and all it entails - family, eating, laughter. However I struggle with one thing: needing alone time (case in point: I am writing this in a room with three other people). Today, I snuck off for a bit by myself at the hotel room - I worked on school work and just enjoyed the quiet. I just needed the time and space to quiet my heart and soul and be away from everyone.
While I love my family there is something more important - spending time with Jesus. Most notably done alone. So while I'm with people, to truly love them well I must learn to carve out that time to sit and be with Jesus. I don't always do it well, I don't always find the right time or space. Often I will still get short with people and rely on my own strength - but thankfully grace abounds.
Anyways, that's my thought for the day :) Quiet is a must even (or especially) in the midst of chaos.

From Bitterness to Joy

Yesterday, the elders at my church prayed over my in regards to my back problems. The pastor read through the passage in James 5:13-16 in regards to prayer for healing and asked if there was any unconfessed sin in my life. The Holy Spirit pricked my heart and revealed that I was allowing bitterness to spring up in regards to my pain and back problems. So with Thanksgiving coming and to attack the bitterness I am making a list of things I am thankful for. Cliche? Yes. But what better way to counteract bitterness and bring God glory?
List of thanksgivings:
1. That God rejoices over me (Zeph. 3:17). Whenever I get depressed, remembering that God delights over me amazes me - especially when I'm mad at him.
2. For some amazing friends - knowing that there are people I can tell everything to and who will still love me is such an encouragement. They can take the bitterness and anger and call me to account.
3. For being part of the body of Christ - it is so amazing in my own weakness to realize there are people around me who will love, care for, and support me... sometimes people I barely know and all because we're in Christ.
4. For a great family - I love my family, even when far away, and they often bless me in ways that surprise and delight me :)
5. For an amazing boyfriend - it's been so great to see God working in and through our relationship and getting to experience a little of what it means to have a man cherish me. I'm spoiled rotten in this regards.
6. For the opportunity to serve at CIU - I do not take lightly the privilege to serve. I also feel so blessed that God has allowed me this opportunity and am amazingly blessed to see how God uses me and the GLC team to encourage others.
7. The GLC team - it's awesome to learn from all these people. I've felt so supported in leading them and love the passion and excitement everyone brings to the table.
8. The mentors (past and present) - I am constantly amazed at the people God has placed in my life - past and present - to bless, teach and encourage me.

I realize I could go on and on - most of what I'm thankful for is people and God at work, honestly (and there has been a lot of that). This is just a little glimpse, but a good reminder that God is working all around me and I have much to rejoice in and be thankful for. Happy Thanksgiving :)

What's My Spiritual Gift?

I was in class last night and we talked of the gifts of the Spirit and what ours are. My roommate from last year said she didn't know. I responded without hesitation "Hospitality and mercy." Ok, so I don't technically know if hospitality is a gift, but I've definitely seen the mercy aspect come out in our prayers together. I have seen the same thing manifest in other believers I've prayed with as well - they remember things in prayer that I never would and seem to enter into prayer for me in a way that touches and surprises me. It's actually been cool being here, because I'm starting to connect people with their gifts a little more clearly as I start to see the same things manifest in various people - such as a few friends with the gift of discernment.
But this leads to more troubling questions - why are we (as Christians) not more regularly and consistently calling out and encouraging one another in our giftings? Why don't we strive to practice them more?
I'm struck with two facts - (1) we have little faith that God is working in us (hence, no seeking to practice) and (2) we are not acting as the body in encouraging and exhorting one another in the giftings and talents we see in another's life. Out of this results a break down in the Body of Christ so that we do not fully function and people's giftings are failed to develop.
Some of this, I believe, is the result of our individualist, American culture - why should we bother encouraging one another if you're supposed to figure everything out for yourself? Sad that some people think this way, but true.
I think the other problem is that we are prideful - we hate to admit need. To allow others to exercise their gifts means admitting need - it's saying we don't have it all together ourselves and need this other person to minister to us (or saying the other person met a need we could not meet on our own).
My hope and prayer is that we will learn to encourage others in their gifts and to seek to exercise them for the glory of God - then may the church function more fully as the Body of Christ.

God's Grace Doesn't Wait

For the past two days I've been praying a lot seeking God's wisdom as to what's wrong with my back (as mentioned in my last blog post). I've been discouraged in it, a little scared, yet sure that God will give me the grace to take each day at a time. My specific prayer is that God would make clear if there is any underlying issue to what's going on with my back.
God answered my prayer (I believe) this morning in class. I sat down and my friend asked me about my back - I said it was doing better, but it still hurt. She asked a little more, which I shared, and then she said, "I know exactly what's wrong" and started explaining what had happened to her with her back problems and all the ways that impacted various other parts of her body. It fit what I was dealing with to the letter. She said she knew the exact steps to take and could help coach me through the process of what to do to help alleviate the pain. I was in the back of class (thankfully) as a tear slipped down my cheek. God heard my prayers and answered.
The amazing thing was he answered out of his grace - I had not fully gotten over my frustration/anger. I knew intellectually that God is faithful and gracious, but emotionally I still was mad. Yet he did not wait for my perfected obedience or submission; he reminded me that he knows me inside out and cares regardless.
I'm not saying the journey is done, I'm not saying I won't slip and fall again (or cease to get angry); but what I do know is that God is faithful, he knows me and loves me more then I could imagine.

Mad At God

I think I don't realize how poor my theology is until I experience pain and then see how easily I get angry at Jesus. You see, I've suffered with chronic pain for the past two-plus years. It has gotten better over time, but each time I think I've found a way to alleviate the pain and it fails, or each time it gets worse after getting better for a bit, I get thrown for a loop.
I had been getting so much better over the past few months and had been greatly encouraged by this until the past three weeks where I had seemed to stall.
But Sunday was the last straw. I moved backwards. My back "went out" quicker then it has in ages and the pain increased. I was fuming and didn't quite know what to do with it. I talked with God a bit, but what can I say when I bring the same thing to him over and over again?
I saw myself getting selfish and self-protective. If there's any question where any of my love, grace or kindness comes from the answer is God alone. All I wanted to do was things that would adequately distract me from the pain - the physical pain, yes, but more so the emotional pain and hurt I was experiencing with my poor perception of what a loving God is and should do for me. I don't like talking with God when I'm mad at him. He always wins.
So I avoided really talking to God about why this was going on. I avoided the feelings of failure this produces so quickly within my soul - isn't there something I could be doing that could stop this? What did I do wrong? What did I do to cause this? Do I really deserve to have this continue?  I avoided  these questions and selfishly indulged myself with TV and some not-so-healthy food.
And there I sit, with the anger within my soul, the frustration of living with pain in a fallen world, and the absolute truth that God is good, gracious and loving.
I feel a little like Job - "Though he slay me I will hope in Him. Nevertheless I will argue my way before Him" (Job 13:15). I know the truths of who God is, but practically living them out is such a different matter, so I fight with him when I hit those hard times. Thankfully, God knows what I can handle and is willing to meet me where I am - even in my anger and pain.

Time with Jesus in Seminary

In seminary it can often be challenging to pull away and spend time with Jesus. School work can bog me down and dull my senses to the power of Scripture as I sit down to analyze it and do it with a deadline and for a grade. Everyone who works here exhorts the students to make sure they are spending personal time with Jesus so they continue to cultivate their relationship and not rely on school work alone.
I agree, but I sometimes struggle with that. You see, I love to "sit" in my school work. The most recent is a curriculum design project and teaching outline which I have done on the book of Esther. I have loved researching, learning and contemplating how to teach it. I have begun to really meditate on the words and truths of Scripture, allowing them to penetrate my heart. It has been joyful and has influenced my time with Jesus; in fact, it has become a significant part of my time with Jesus.
So I struggle with the separation of my personal time with Jesus and my school work. They seem to overlap. I made this comment to a friend, that I always get side tracked in my times with Jesus by what I'm learning in school. She simply replied that if God is in the design of the curriculum and wants me here now, aren't these things important for me to learn and meditate on? I love it. God is overall and that overlap is part of the beauty of his drawing me to what I need to study and learn from his word - in and out of the classroom.

In Process

My sophomore year of college I was hit with a serious depression. It hit quick, about a month into my fall semester, and really took me by surprise. In about a week I could identify the common depression symptoms - change of appetite, inability to concentrate, change in sleeping habits, loss of interest in activities I normally enjoy, and thoughts of harming myself. Not fun.
I didn't get it, my freshman year had been a time of great deepening in my personal relationship with Christ - I had learned what it meant to live in reliance on the Spirit, gotten really connected in ministry, spent the summer serving at a Young Life camp; my sophomore year I had started memorizing Philippians, was leading a small group, looking forward to being more involved on campus, yet was suddenly seriously depressed. Why would God bring me to this opportunity to serve in my life and yet seem to stop me?

I had to withdraw from school that semester and go home to deal with the issues and recover.
It took about a year of counseling and meds to be able to feel like I was out of the cloud of depression. In that time I seriously questioned God's goodness - why would he allow me those opportunities to serve and then stop me? Why had he taken away so many other things I perceived as good? My joy in the Lord was gone, God felt silent and distant. I was hurting and confused.
Yet God worked through His. I had a group of friends I could pray with and who allowed me to be real - frustrated, honest, mad and vulnerable. I had an amazing counselor who challenged me to look at lies I was believing - lies about my need to earn God's (and other's) approval; lies that said I needed to perform to be accepted. She challenged the shame I lived under and urged me to hold onto God's truth. I was able to stay connected with my church, serve, go to a Bible study, and slowly heal. God was working all around to bring healing.
I still question God from time to time (thankfully, he's big enough to handle it). I've also been back for counseling since then, when I see some of those ugly symptoms raise there head. I'm not perfect, not done, simply in process. Thankfully, God fully accepts me as I am and is rejoicing over me as I walk in obedience where he has leads me - his patience is amazing.

Where's My Heart At?

Last spring God brought me face to face with the reality that I was looking for a husband and holding that ideal of a relationship as something to"obtain" - i.e. once spiritual enough, it would happen. It was (one of) my idol. My heart was in hoping that as I grew and matured God would finally reward me.
I questioned God's wisdom in keeping me single so long, questioned if God was really good enough to allow this desire to continue for so long without being fulfilled. Well, I questioned those, but maybe not  worded like that. They sounded like - Why am I still single? Did I miss something? Should I have done something different? I want to be married, is that a wrong desire? How am I to continue to look at ministry and grow my giftings if I really want to be married?
God also convicted me of loving my brothers in Christ poorly, of too often looking at them as a potential spouse as opposed to as a brother to freely love and encourage.
Through all this, the one thing I was thrown back to was what do I believe about God? My questioning my singleness was, at the heart, honestly a question of who God is. I began to learn that God's goodness does not rest on what he gives, but on who he is; my understanding of his love and grace matured.
I also began to learn what it means to be content where I am (see this blog post), and realize that the gift of marriage is just that - a gift to be freely bestowed in his timing, in his way regardless of my own efforts.
I'm at a slightly different season now, yet I still question God (it sounds different, that's all). Regardless of where I am or where I will be I have to come back to this - do I really believe God is ALL of who he says he is and will do all he's promised? Do I really believe God is in control, knows my heart, and has brought me to such a time and place as this?
May our hearts be firmly planted in the truth and ready to accept all God has for us; believing in his goodness and wisdom.

Being Sanctified

When people ask me how things are going with Magnus I tend to pause and think and they say "good." I always have a half question behind that because I'm wondering what they really want to know (maybe this is attributing too much to the question). Here's the deal - this relationship is sanctifying my socks off. I've heard marriage is even more so.

What I mean is this - my sin is being brought to the surface. God has revealed fear, insecurity, and other sins as I've continued to interact with Magnus. God has called me to trust and follow him and to trust Magnus, too. Honestly, it's been hard, scary and risky. 

But it has been good. So, very good. I have seen God answer prayer in regards to things about Magnus. I have seen God working in Magnus in such amazing ways, seen Magnus respond to me with humility that has amazed me.

So how are things going? Good, but not the rainbows-and-butterflies, everything-is-perfect good; but the God-is-at-work-growing-me-in-a-great-way good. As I hope it continues to be. But isn't this how every good gift of God comes? They come to grow and stretch us and mold us evermore into the likeness of Christ.

Lust: Men Are Not Alone

My last post I talked about the need of modesty for men. Maybe I should have started off with this post, as it explains why women need modest men. Here's the deal: We struggle with lust. However, our issue of lust is not (usually) physical as a man's. Seeing a man dressed provocatively is not likely to stir our hearts and cause us to stumble; a man's actions and words with us will, though.
The only reason I can speak on this subject is because I have struggled with lust. I didn't have this concept explained to me until my freshman year in college and I didn't really think or believe that every woman struggles with lust until reading the book Every Woman's Battle.
What I learned from that, and my experience, is that my heart can become easily entangled with a man through his immodest actions. Long one-on-one conversations, talking of deep hurt and pain, and other conversations which should be done at a heart level with a woman, when done with a man can cause an attachment which simply should not be there.This also causes thoughts that should not be there.
God had to work mightily and deeply in my heart to free me of this because it was not all about a man's actions. God brought me face-to-face with the truth that I was looking to men for comfort when I should be looking to God alone and that I did not really trust and believe God's goodness in providing a husband in his timing and in his way.
Did I have MANY issues that caused these wrong thoughts? Yes, absolutely. Were there times and situations where a man's questions were leading somewhere they should not go or his actions and words were revealing intent he did not have? Sadly, yes.
I feel so much of the modesty and lust issue goes to the heart in two ways:
1. Do we truly believe God is loving and good to provide what we need when we need? If so, can we trust and wait on him or do we feel we may (in some way) need to take control of this issue?
2. Can we learn to truly practice the one another commands of Scripture? Can we learn to truly honor our brothers and sisters and treat them as that? Can we learn to love one another well considering how we can truly, lovingly spur one another on with no hidden motive or agenda?

Modesty: Not Just for Women

I was talking to a friend today who led to a hot button topic. She stated that so often women in the church are exhorted and commanded to "be modest" in dress, attire, etc. and that there seems to be SUCH a list of commands for us women, but what is the contrast for the men?
This gets me irked, because while it may be easy for guys (and girls) to point out a woman who may be dressed immodestly, it is more challenging with a man.
First, let me state that I believe that men are immodest when they fail to recognize that a woman's heart is delicate and do not seek to learn what it means to honor and respect a woman. This is not as obvious as immodesty in women, in fact I think this calls men to a higher standards because it is not about the outward appearance as it is about a man's heart in interacting with a woman. A man leads in so many aspects and few men recognize themselves as leaders. Yet, they set the tone in a conversation and relationship.
I do not want to get into specifics about what a man should or should not do or talk about with a women. I have had conversations about this with some men and get various answers, the honest truth is that it is at the heart.
Men: what are your thoughts and intentions towards your sisters in Christ? Are you looking for a potential girlfriend (or wife) or are you looking to love, serve, honor, guard and build up your sisters? Can you surrender the hope for a girlfriend/wife for the delight in loving your sisters well? Don't know how to do that? Why not ask a married man you truly respect.
A note to my sister: we are just as responsible to guard our hearts. What entangles our hearts? What causes us to think wrongly about our brothers - stir up more questions then it should? We may need to stop hanging out in some situations which may not be a problem for others (I know I did). Can we surrender the hope and desire for a boyfriend/husband for the aim of truly loving our brothers well?


"Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others" Phil. 2:3-4

Forgotten Fun

Grownups usually do a horrible job at having fun. Let me be honest, most of the reason I wanted to be a nanny was so that I could do ridiculous and fun things. I loved being able to tell Matthew and Sarah "Grab your unicorn and dragon and let's go for a walk," spend an hour making up a random make-believe story involving goblins, color in a coloring book, play with play dou, play on a playground, or read a children's book together. Mentally escaping the reality of life and doing these "silly" things caused me much joy.
Coming down to CIU and being around grownups all the time was a strange change for me. No longer (or at least not as frequently) did these crazy adventures happen. We are serious students, meant to study the Bible and learn to engage in ministry; random fun is a strange concept to most.
Yet, random, joyful fun is so essential in keeping our hearts rejoicing before Jesus. So important in keeping a good perspective. That's part of the reason I like Halloween; it allows us to have that day, that night, where we can dress up, lay down pretense of being grownup, and just have fun - a time to be a kid again and forget the serious cares of grownup life.

Fasting: Forgotten American Discipline?

I feel like fasting is one of the least talked about disciplines of the Christian faith in the American culture. Not only are there few sermons or teaching on it compared to prayer or Bible study, but when someone does engage in it there is this sense that it should not be talked about. Doesn't Jesus say to let no one know when you're fasting (Matt. 6:16-18)? Yet, how are we to know how to fast and to encourage one another in this discipline if we are quiet about it?
Last year I started growing in this discipline. I set aside one meal a week where I would fast and honestly, I loved how that developed a set apart time for me and Jesus in a special way. It was also a great weekly reminder of my need for him as more then all else.
Going into this year I put the discipline aside as I struggled to get into the swing of leadership responsibilities and the busyness of my schedule. I have realized that this has been a sad neglect on my part, and so have picked up the practice again. I have realized the day I am to fast my soul starts hungering for that time long before my body experiences any hunger. There is this sweet eagerness to come fully before the Lord with all my concerns, for him to listen and respond.
Ultimately, fasting is a sweet discipline which develops a great hunger for God.

The Work of Intercession

Friday night I was reminded that intercessory prayer is work - it engages the heart, soul and mind and drains the emotions. As a group of students came together to pray to the Lord on behalf of many peoples who do not know him tears were shed, work was done.
Entering into another's pain is, well, painful. "As sorrowful, yet ever rejoicing" (2 Cor. 6:10a) enters into mind as does "And when one member suffers, all the members suffer with it" (1 Cor. 12:26a). It is not a simple thing to go into a time of prayer for those around the world, to those who are hurting and suffering, who need comfort and need Christ. But through prayer we can join with our brothers and sisters around the world and provide them with comfort, strength and encouragement... if we are willing to put in the work.

Is it a Surprise?

I've been reminded God's presence recently - of his active and continuous work in my life. I've been supremely convicted of how easily I have fallen into the trap of trying to please him and earn his approval. I've been encouraged by those around me through words and emails. I've shed some tears over my own sin and the pain of those around me.
Basically, I've been living life - being open to God's moving and walking where he leads. It can be scary at times and sometimes feels a little crazy when God starts shaking things up a lot. Honestly, I sometimes get discouraged by the up and down of it all.
One of my favorite phrases through the chaos of life is that this "doesn't surprise God." I can sit in that fact all day long and find comfort - in the ups and downs of life, when "surprises" come whether people, emotions, or events - it doesn't surprise God. He is with us through it all to grow and mature us into the likeness of his Son. As the craziness of life continues may this fact rise to the surface and grow our confidence in him.

Workaholic or "Doing the Lord's Work"

My roommate and I were sharing prayer requests today and as I thought through what to pray about (there are many things, I try to hone in on one or two at a time) I reflected that I was still feeling "off balance." Another moment's thought with it and I realized the truth: I am a workaholic. If I can't let go of the work I'm doing to relax without guilt, I'm pretty sure that's a bad sign. Yes, in ministry there can be nice terms for this - devoted, determined, dedicated, available, "doing the Lord's work." 

But the truth is that God is the one working. He's just using me. And He cannot use a burnt out, exhausted, overly stressed, worrying me. He wants me resting in Him, trusting Him, and relying fully on Him in/through this all. He wants me to be able to rest, relax and have fun as much as He wants me to work diligently at the tasks He has given me.

I'm glad I'm starting to learn this now - ok, I knew this before, it is just more prominent now. Thankfully, God is gracious and will continue to grow me, continue to teach me that it is truly Him at work - and if He's working He can raise up more people at the right time for the tasks at hand.

Jealousy and Limits

I can sit here, on my nice little weekend away (hello, Atlanta) and get jealous. How crazy is that? Turning on my computer to do a little work, I flipped through facebook and thought "oh, don't I wish I was with _____, that looks like they had a lot of fun!" I'm amazed at how the devil can seek to allure me from the present where God has led me and what he has directed me to do.
It's funny, too, to realize how finite I am. I cannot be with everyone, doing everything, all the time. Yet something within me wants to. I do not want to recognize the truth of the smallness of my influence - that I am one person with limited time and energy. If I had it my way, I'd be everywhere, doing everything, with everyone (I never claimed to be sane).
Yet, God is wise and kind. He knows me inside out and where I will fall into pride. He knows that I am but one person and will pull me from various people to remind me that I am his and that I cannot do it all.
I know this is not everyone's struggle, I know that some people revolt at the idea of constantly being with people, but it's part of what I deal with.
The awesome thing is God knows each of us inside out and where our weaknesses are and he will stretch each of us if we are willing to embrace the lessons he presents us to keep us humble and fully his.

Feeling Stuck, Getting Artificial, and Seeing Pride

I have been struggling with God's lack of movement in my life over the past few weeks. Not that God I haven't seen God work around me or experienced him growing and convicting me in various parts of me life, just that I feel he is quiet in one area; I feel like I have this blind spot and that has frustrated me over and over again; mostly because I don't know what that spot is or how to get rid of it. I feel stuck.
I hate feeling stuck. I don't like not knowing how to get rid of this blind spot and I don't like how it's kept me from fully embracing and surrendering to Christ.
Today God drew me to himself and gently showed me two things - that I had allowed this feeling to keep me from coming to him as often as I should; instead of the "stuckness" making me humbly seek him more I had decided to press on until I got it figured out (wow, do you hear the pride there?). Second, he revealed that it had kept me on artificial ground with those around me; instead of being open and honest that I was feeling stuck I was looking at what was going on around me and talking of that instead.
This is such a strong reminder that God wants all of us - wherever we are, however we are - and he is the one who will ultimately work and move us to greater depths of intimacy with him.

People or Jesus?

I love being around people. I love talking with friends, hearing their stories, and just sitting with a friend. Coffee is an especially wonderful way to spend time with a friend. Yet, over this semester God has reminded me of something so much more important - spending time with him.
I am not talking about what people usually refer to as "quiet time" or "devotionals" where you set aside time each day to spend with God reading his word and talking with him. I am talking about longer, less structured times where you can sit quietly and be with Jesus - talk with him without pressure about anything and everything that's on your mind. Maybe just be still in nature with him, go for a walk with him, or whatever other way that ministers to your soul.
Being much busier this semester then I was last year it has taken more effort to schedule these times in; I have often felt guilty from pulling away from people to spend more time with Jesus. Yet, Christ himself modeled this by pulling away from crowds - potential huge ministry opportunities to heal and teach people - to spend time in prayer with the Father (Luke 5:16). If I have such a model as this, it should always be a priority and privilege to spend those times with Jesus.
Besides, Christ was perfect and needed these times, how much more, then, will I.

Is Comfort a Good Thing?

I was having a conversation with God today where I told him how I had been looking forward to this year and being comfortable with where I was and what I was going to be doing. I talked with him about the fact that he had not allowed this preconceived concept of my life to continue and my struggle to accept the way he is growing me.
Later in class my professor declared that a leader will "understand contentment and refuse to live for comfort." It was like God was hitting me over the head - if I didn't get it in my earlier talk with him, I got it then: I am not to live for comfort. I am to pursue God and that entails growth, and growth is never comfortable, yet you can be content in it.
In God's push to get me outside my comfort zone this year he has revealed pride in my heart and areas of vast unbelief in God's goodness, faithfulness and love. God knows my heart and knows how I needed to grow and mature in these areas, yet it has not been very comfortable (yet, at the same time it is very good).
I can be content where God has me and what he has me doing, but if I ever drift into being "comfortable" - into failing to rely on the Spirit, ceasing to seek God in prayer and through the word - I will cease to grow and mature in my relationship with Christ. I will cease to have a deep and intimate relationship with Jesus.
Jesus never called us to a comfortable life, he called us to obedience and surrender, and while there is great contentment in following him, it is risky and uncomfortable to offer him your all.

Uncertain Prayers

The past two days I have found myself coming before God with a list of things, but somewhat uncertain of what, or how, to pray about the matters. I found myself praying more then once "Jesus, I'm not really sure how to address this. You know what I need. Thank you that the Spirit is making request on my behalf. Please show yourself."
Today, I felt His response. It wasn't in anything profound or earth shattering, it was mostly through time spent in prayer, the beautiful weather, and encouragement I received from various people. I didn't realize that was what I needed, but God did.
Seeing God work in my unspoken needs reminds me of how big He is and how much He truly cares about the simple and "mundane" aspects of my life. Not only that, He knows me better then I know myself - He knows what I need when I can't even articulate it. What an awesome God we serve.

Gentle Humbling

God threw up some guard rails for me this week, protecting me from myself. The first of which was a friend gently telling me that some actions I were taking were not wise. She said this in total love, not to condemn me or say what I was doing was inherently wrong, but that it could lead somewhere I did not want to go.
The next came in the form of being sick on Saturday. I woke up feeling awful. I'm pretty sure it was mostly due to the fact that last week I was still going full speed ahead. That did not bode well with the amount of work I put into the retreat last weekend, so I simply crashed and spent the day resting and watching TV on Saturday.
When these things initially happened I kicked myself mightily - I "should have been" on my guard more, I "should have" rested more, I shouldn't have needed others or God to step in and correct me. However, God could have allowed much bigger things into my life before lovingly correcting me, but out of His grace they were minor thing.
I recognize this as God's gentle work in my life to keep me humble, reliant on Him and aware of my need of the Body of Christ to walk with me.

What's my view of God?

The other day while praying for healing for a friend the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego came to mind, specifically in regards to their stand before Nebuchadnezzar, refusing to bow and worship an idol and declaring to him, "Our God is mighty and able to save, but if not we will still worship him" (paraphrased from Daniel 3:17-18).
What hit me was that I always focus on the second clause - that regardless of the outcome we will still worship and praise God; I do not expect God to show up and work as He did with these Old Testament heroes. When I pray and ask God to work in a mighty (or even simple) way there is always in the back of my head the "but if not" belief. That yeah, maybe at one point in history God could, but that's not going to be today. He will not answer my prayers like that.
God is gently stretching my view of His love and mercy. He is challenging me to pray specific prayers and then answering them. He is challenging me in believing in His loving kindness - that He is good and wants to hear and answer prayers. He is not allowing me to stay stagnant in my relationship with Him but drawing me to more. God is not just the God of the "but if not we will still worship." He is the God who is mighty and able to save.

Slipping into Pride

The theme of this weekend's retreat was the necessity of humility. God continued to remind me of the ease in which I slip into pride. I know that personal pride is easy to fall into - exalting oneself at the expense of one's friends or co-workers is something I cringe at. What I forget is how easy it is to slip into group (ethnocentric) pride.
During the retreat last weekend when people would come and say something nice about the retreat or thank me I was quick to exult the team. Everyone had worked hard to bring this event about; yet, God showed me that in exulting the team I was not fully acknowledging the fact that it was truly Him at work. Yes, the GLC team worked hard and did a great job, but ultimately it was about God working, moving and meeting us at the retreat and to Him alone belongs the glory.
I have been faced with this group pride issue before and it causes me to have so much more empathy with the Israelites and the ease with which they slipped into an ethnocentric attitude and failed to look at and serve those around them. It feels so good to take your eyes off yourself, yet still have people that you are relying on as opposed to God.
But God calls us to honor and glorify Him alone and to recognize that in and through the people around us, He truly is working.

Should I be Leading?

Today in class the professor asked us where we stand on women's role as displayed in Scripture. He asked us to raise our hands for the comlpementarian view (women are equal but have a distinct role and certain restrictions on leadership functions) and the egalitarian view (women are different, yet equal in their role and ability to lead). For the first time ever I raised my hand for the egalitarian view. My hand raise is as much a response to my current position of leadership as it is to my biblical view which tends to be more complementarian.
You see, the question of whether I should be leading or not haunted me last year. I have to say I think women in the church have it hard. We often see extremes such as "women should never lead" or swinging to the other side "there is no difference." We have few examples of strong, godly women who courageously yet humbly lead. We need more examples; we need women who humbly and willingly lead. We need men with such confidence and assurance that they can lead and be unintimidated in encouraging us in our gifting.
Mostly, we need to be on our face, before God and with His Word seeking His plan and purpose for our lives and humbly following His lead.

Reading Answered Prayers

A mentor of mine once told me that she reads through her prayer journal after filling one. I don't do that, but I should look through them more often then I do. What I continually see in them is a clear testimony of my heart crying out and how God then realizing in the present that God has answered these prayers.
What I also observe is the anxiety that is often present within my own heart that is reflected in my prayers. So many of my prayers are out of doubt and fear; a clear lack of belief in His goodness and love. I am reminded of the Israelites in this, actually. They left Egypt seeing God's wonderful works, yet quickly doubted when they came to the Red Sea. They had seen and failed to believe. I think that's why God tells them so often to do things so they will remember what He has done.
That's really why I need to continue to read my journals - so I may remember. That's why we as Christians need to share how God is working in our lives, to remind people that God is still working and that He is who He says He is; He has not changed and His goodness and faithfulness in hearing our prayers and working in our lives will not cease.

Tension: Painful Now and Joy to Come

I was reading over John 13-17 (the Upper Room Discourse) and was hit mightily by 16:14 "Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full." I cringe from the implications of this verse. Doesn't it sound like health, wealth, and prosperity teaching?
This verse (along with much of my theology) does not fit into the real, painful world that I see live in. It feels like it fits into that make-believe world where people deny their pain and then go crazy and eventually have a mental breakdown because they are so out of touch with reality. A little cynical, but I've seen it happen.
Yet our God is so much bigger then we can imagine. Christ never denies the reality or the pain of the cross. He faces it head on - he knows that it will be work to walk through it, yet he does it "for the joy set before him" (Heb 12:2). I think for so much of my life I've looked at the pain in front of me and fail to see the joy that will follow.
God is calling us not to deny the reality of the pain, but not to get caught in it either. He wants so much more for us. He wants us to have an abundant life (John 10:10b).  God is attached to us and aware of the "now" of what we are going through; yet He sees beyond that. If we fail to believe the fullness of Scripture we will get stuck. Stuck as pessimistic who live in this reality or stuck in denial who fail to see painful reality. Let us learn to live graciously in the tension of the now; recognizing the joy and abundant life that God promises (and will give!), yet walking with bold humility through the "now" of life.

Questioning God's Goodness

I easily question God's goodness. I think this goes with knowing so little of what is truly good and right. There are so many things that I view as good, that I think would make me happy and delight my soul, yet when God has taken them away from me or said no to them I revolt.
Inside I cringe. I question whether God really loves me and would like me to be happy and joyful. I question whether those things, those desires within my soul which have burned for so long, have any reason, meaning or purpose. If you were to ask me if I believe God is good I would respond with a firm "yes." However, if you were to see me cringe, doubt, question and cry when God says "no" to me or see the fear when I take a step forward and doubt if God will lead me somewhere I enjoy you may question the practical reality of my "yes."
Yet God is flooring me with answers to prayer. I don't quite know what to do with it, with this taste of His goodness and grace. I was in a lunch meeting earlier this week with a woman who has agreed to mentor me this year. I was first off floored by the fact that she said yes (a huge answer to prayer) and second have been amazed with the intentionality with which she is approaching the mentorship. In the middle of this lunch meeting, watching and learning from her leading I got choked up. I am experiencing an answer to prayer lived out in front of me; I am experiencing God pouring out His goodness with abundant grace and all I can do is stand and receive and allow this to penetrate my heart and soul.
My prayer is that this will transform my heart attitude towards God and teach me to trust Him with the good as well as the bad; that He may always and fully be my delight.

Expecting Answers in Prayer?

Over the past few weeks as I've spent time talking with Jesus and there have been two times where I felt like He told me to shut up. I don't mean He said no, but as I was praying I felt Him confront me with my unbelief that He had heard my prayers and revealed that I was continuing in vain repetition (Matt. 6:7-8).
The first time he told me I felt as if he was saying "Am I not faithful? Have I not heard your prayers? Will I not answer?" I was surprised. I had prayed about this issue yet did not believe that God would hear and answer these prayers. God clearly showed me His answer and He truly was to praise for it.
Yesterday it happened again. I was praying over something I desire and felt the same issue raise to the surface. "Am I not faithful? Do I not know you? Am I not good? Why continue in your unbelief? I have heard. I will answer."
Andrew Murray talks about praying expecting and believing God will answer and how this should be the norm for a Christian. I am amazed by the numerous times I pray and do not believe that God has heard and that He will answer as I pray according to His will. (This is an important issue - the prayers must be according to God's will and you must be seeking God's heart to pray in such a way.) Yet I am astounded as I look back over the past few months how many prayers (little and big) I have seen God answer and how faithful He has constantly proven Himself.
May our faith in God grow as we seek His face and humbly come to Him in prayer.

10 Years

I was sitting in the cafeteria on Friday with a professor who asked me where I was on 9/11. I sat back and talked about when I found out and how it felt to be near DC. Then I remembered the evening of 9/11.
After the craziness of 9/11 my church called for a time of prayer that evening. I jumped on the opportunity to be with the children. We talked, we played, and we spent time outside. Many of those children are now in college. That's what ten years can do.
We often do not take the opportunity to pray for those who are hurting, but on special dates like this it is a must. It is a must to pray for comfort for those who suffered loss, to pray that God would meet them in a special way. It is a must to pray that God's glory would be made known to the Muslims and that we would learn to love the Muslims around us (and around the world) well.
It is also a must to consider the cost it is to be a Christian and to consider the role you have in spreading God's glory throughout the world.
On this ten year memorial, may our hearts again be pricked and may God challenge us to live lives of loving sacrifice before him.

Remembering to Look Around

Funny thing today, in the midst of having a really great day I paused and asked God to make me continually sensitive to those around me who are suffering. I then went to chapel; praise the Lord for chapel.
The chapel I went to was focused on 9/11 - remembering the event, talking about Muslims and praying for all involved. I quietly cried as I remembered those families who will be struggling this year and lifted up prayers for them.
Two things struck me about this, one is that God can be quick to answer prayers. The second is that we need to cultivate hearts that are sensitive to others' pain. It can be so easy to be caught up in what is going on in your life that you miss those around you - you miss the pain or joy and you can miss being able to enter into it with them. May we continually remember that we are part of the Body of Christ. May we continually learn to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep.
And may we pray for all those who have been impacted by 9/11 - families here and Muslims around the world.

Boxed Discipleship

The first time I experienced "discipleship" I was a freshman in college; it was really the first time I had heard the concept of discipleship and began the process of meeting with someone once a week to learn and grow. It intrigued me and took a little bit of time to find a woman I clicked with, but once I did I was enormously blessed by the time and energy she poured into me and the opportunity to go deeper into matters of faith with her. I switched schools during my sophomore year and was not able to continue with the same woman or even the same campus group, but I kept looking for another mentor - another woman who would be willing to meet in that weekly manner to talk about Jesus and answer questions I had.
Yet, the next woman who had a huge impact on my life as a mentor did not do weekly meetings with me. We did not have a strict structure and routine to follow, but would talk for a while after I babysat her kids. I would ask her questions about how she handled life, kids, marriage, etc. and she shared with me openly and honestly about what she had learned. She prayed for me regularly and came by my side and supported me through many challenges.
She broke me outside this neat little box I had defined as "discipleship" and I am hesitant to go back. She taught me that being a Christian is not a boxed in activity, but something that permeates your whole life. She taught me that in any situation you can take time to teach others about Jesus, love others as Jesus did, and pray without ceasing.
Learning about Jesus is not a boxed endeavor that fits into a weekly mold, it is not something that can be turned on and off. Learning to follow Jesus is something that blossoms in the ordinary routine of life and the observations and gleaning from older, more mature Christians and seeking to apply those principles to every aspect of our life.

Grace in Adoption

My oldest niece, Hannah, is adopted. I am impressed with my sister and brother-in-law's willingness to face the challenges of adoption. I have had too much psychology, experience working with adolescence who have been adopted, and done too much reading to think that adoption is easy. There are so many challenges involved in bonding, security, and other things that simply do not occur with a birth child. You have to walk into adoption with eyes wide open otherwise you will be blindsided when these things start to occur. It calls for love, patience, understanding and grace to be willing to walk with that child through their pain and help them grow in security in your (and God's) love.

I was reading for class and the author (Dr. King) talks about the fact that God "understands the price and challenge of adoption" and that concept hit me in a new way. God knows that I (we as Christians) come into the whole Christian thing with tons of baggage. He realizes that there will be challenges and that we will be insecure, not well bonded, have past hurts, etc. and he fully embraces us and is willing to walk us through it.

I forget this fact quickly. I do not easily believe that God really wants to undergo the challenge of adopting me. Yet He, in His great love and mercy is wooing me. He's telling me that He knows it ALL, He understands and He wants me to rest fully in Him. He knows that I will balk and rebel and He is willing to patiently and graciously walk with me through it all. What an awesome God we have.

Doing or Being?

Busy people cab often make me feel a little guilty. They stir up guilt because I always feel like I should be doing more around them - more service, more activities, more involvement. Guilt will creep up on me and I just wonder at the fact that God seems to be using them in all the activities that they do while here I am with little or nothing to do.
God really had to speak to my heart in and through that; He had to remind me that my worth and value are in Him alone and that it's not about what I do, it's about who I am and who He has made me to be. Being able to be still with God and rest in Him is so much more important then being able to "do" all these activities "for God."
It's sort of funny to me that the tables are turned. Now I am busy "doing" a whole bunch of things on campus. I constantly have to remind myself that it is not about what I do or about how much I do, it's about who I am and who I am with - seeing people as Jesus sees them and loving them as He does.
Spending time with Jesus and being still with Him is sill more important then "doing" of activities and being with people so much better then "accomplishing" things. I'm thankful to have that encouraged and modeled here at CIU and I hope and pray that as the semester and year continues God will keep this at the forefront - to be still and be with God is the most important thing.

A Slice of My Story (Hard Work in Maturing)

One of the biggest growing/maturing time in my life came through my experience in Indonesia. After having a challenging time in Indonesia where I felt abandoned, mistreated, and ignored I had to come back and face some people in the states who had caused much of this pain and deal with issues such as forgiveness and reconciliation. I realized quickly that there would be choices I would have to make through the process. I could choose to pretend that those who hurt me hadn't really impacted me - put on a facade that though they are so awful, God is good and everything is peachy-keen. I could choose to be angry and bitter and fight them tooth and nail - hold onto the pain and allow it to eat away at my soul until I was a seething, bitter, angry fool. Or I could choose to fully face the pain and acknowledge the fullness of the hurt these people caused me, question why God did this, and submit to His Word in recognizing His sovereign control, wisdom and the extent in which He forgave me freeing me to forgive those who had hurt me.
I had at that point already seen what happened to people who choose the path of ignoring the pain (often end up having a break down later in life) or bitterness (not fun people to be around) and I did not want that for my life, so I took the Bible and begged for God's grace, love and courage to forgive and grow. It was not easy; dealing with hurt and pain never is. It took work, God's grace and many of God's people to walk me through that time, yet God has produced fruit in me from that and has grown me through that in ways I never could have imagined. Is maturing hard and painful? Yes. Is it worth the work to know and love God more deeply? Most definitely.

Towards Maturity

When I was little I did not like the word maturity. I got the impression that when grown-ups used the words "maturity" it was synonymous with "grown up" which really meant "has no fun." So I stayed away from the word and concept. I cringed at the thought of being a grown up who has no fun. I still do.
However, as God has grown and matured (yes, I used the word) me one of the most fascinating things I have learned is that maturity is not boring and restricting. It's freeing. Maturity does not restrict one to no-nonsense jobs, dull conversations about the weather, or politics (though some mature grown ups love those); maturity in Christ frees you to live fully for God in all the ways He has created you. It is full, joyful and spontaneous. It is not a mindless ignoring of responsibilities, but a full acknowledging of all God has given you (responsibilities, gifts, talents) and learning to rejoice in that... and to be dorky at times, just because you can.

God is Faithful

I prepped for speaking at chapel today; I added things, cut things and changed things throughout the process.  I recognized areas I could have done better in at the last minute with no hope of change. Yet, last night as I was thinking and praying through what I would say, interceding for God to work I paused and realized that God is faithful.
He heard my every prayer throughout the process and He is faithful to grow and build up the Body of Christ and answer prayers that desire to exult His name. I realized that He would work and that it would truly be Him working in and through me and nothing about myself... because He is faithful.
I love these little nuggets; learning just a little bit more about God through experience in stepping out in faith. God is so faithful to use what you surrender to Him. He is so faithful to hear and answer prayers. And He is so faithful day in, day out drawing me to Himself and showering mercies upon me. What a joy to serve a faithful God.

God is at Work

This week has been a little long - preparing for classes, preparing for grad/sem stuff, and making mistakes have been some of the adventures the week has held. Yet in it all I can say one thing: God is at work. He is constantly at work drawing me to himself against the cry of the busyness and need to get things done. He has been at work quieting my heart and reminding me of His love. The Holy Spirit has been at work prompting me with words or restraining them at various times.
I love it because it's not about me. At all. God desires His glory to be known; He desires first for me to know His love, beauty and glory and rest in it. He wants me to take that knowledge and assurance and to spread it to the ends of the earth or simply to my neighbor. But it's not about the fact that I am doing it by any means. It is the fact that God is working. He is on the move and I am so excited to see Him move this next year.

Daily Humility

I often think of humility in grand terms; as being in an incredibly hard situation where you are wronged and then having to go and apologize to the one who wronged you or needing to hold one's tongue, or something of that vain.

I usually forget that humility is part of our daily lives; it is being honest with God, ourselves and others about our talents and limitations. But especially limitations because we are not God and do not have infinite strength and resources. I have seen the need for humility for aging gracefully; of being able to recognize and say when one cannot do something that in one's youth was so easy. I have seen the need of humility when sickness or pain hurts - not in whining that one cannot accomplish something but in graciously stepping aside so another may do what you cannot.

And I have seen the need for humility in recognizing basic, human mistakes (like sending the wrong information out to one's professors). Are there times when God will call us to humble ourselves in ways that greatly stretch us? Undoubtedly. However, the greater call is to walk in daily dependence and need of Him, recognizing and owning our mistakes, and relying on His grace to carry us through.

A Simple Sinner

I got to the end of yesterday and was feeling sort of "blah." Not that anything today was horrible or overwhelming, I just felt I had talked too much, not listened well, given advice when it was unneeded, interrupted others, been selfish and self-centered in some interactions, and not given God the glory when it was due. I came face to face with the fact that I sin. Regularly. God needs to change me from the inside out. He does not simply need to change my actions, but my attitudes and desires.
I sat down and talked with God about this - with all the ways I felt like I failed Him; wondering why He was leading me to a place of leadership where some of these things will become so much more visible and apparent.
His grace quieted me. He reminded me that He still uses me - regardless of my attitude and behavior, He in His infinite grace and wisdom can still work in and through me. And you. It is truly and totally not about me (or you), but about God working in His infinite glory to display Himself. My hope and prayer is that He may increase and I decrease; that He will continue to grow me and that His light may shine through me in bright and visible ways and I think not of myself, but of Him and His glory. But on those days when I feel absolutely down and out, may I ever remember that His grace is greater than all else and may I rest in His lovingkindness.

Specific Prayer

This past summer I started being more intentional with my prayers in terms of asking for/about specific things. I will often pray for generalities - humility, wisdom and courage have been my theme recently. But I started wandering into the "Lord, I really want to see this done." I was amazed to see the results.
First and simplest was that I found a chiropractor up in the DC area that met the specifications I was looking for without much trouble. After praying for some quality interactions with my family, God clearly granted it. I had specific opportunities to share the gospel that were also asked for. I asked a woman to enter a mentor me - I suspected she would say no due to the busyness of her schedule, but asked anyways. I prayed that she would have peace and wisdom in the decision (mostly peace to say no). However, she agreed, letting me know she was leaning towards saying no but had no peace about it. I felt that a clear indication of God at work.
To top it all off, I was beginning to get a little discouraged in one of my hobby/pursuits. I felt like it was a little pointless and I told God I really didn't want to continue with it unless it was actually helpful to others. I asked Him to please make it clear and to confirm if I should go forward or stay still. I was overwhelmed by how He sent people to confirm and encourage me in this area. It's simply amazing.
So with all that I wonder why I do not pray specific prayers more often. I think there is a false belief that God does not really care about these little things; that I should be able to handle those aspects of life on my own. But God desires to work in every aspect of our lives; we just need to invite Him. May we be challenged to pray bigger, bolder, specific prayers for His glory... and may we remember to thank Him and give Him the glory and praise through it all.

Best Friends and Idolatry

When I was little I remember reading books with best friends and secretly wishing I had a best friend as depicted in the book - someone who was always around when you needed them, who you could fight with and make up, and would always say just the right thing at the right time. I read books about animals (horses mostly) and wondered if having a horse would give that quiet satisfaction of giving you everything you needed when you needed it. In later years Hollywood promoted a "soulmate" as being that ultimate fulfillment, as being your ultimate "best friend."
This sense and desire for a "best friend" pops up from time to time in my heart as if I have that relationship then everything else - all the other mean people, hard circumstances, etc. - will be ok because I'll have that person.
Out of this I've grown to dislike the term "best friend." One of the things I've seen over the years is that God has blessed me with a some amazing friends (plural) - friends who bless me at different times, in different ways and no one person has been responsible for all the blessing or help I've received and needed over the years (nor do I think one person could ever provide it).
But I think my biggest problem with the thought of a "best friend" is that if I had one person designated as this I would put too much hope and reliance on that person instead of God. It is easy for me to create idols in my heart, to elevate something good that God has given me and crave the gift above God the Giver. God is so good to bless us with the gift of friends may we learn to love one another openly, honestly, and out of the fullness of God's love for us recognizing God as the ultimate life giver.

On Having Fun (or the lack of it)

I am often bad at having fun, at least with "grown ups" I am. This past summer I got to goof off with "my" kids and it was great - I was reminded of how much of a goof I like to be, of how much awe and wonder can be found in humming birds and homemade ice cream, and how much fun building a fort with blankets and cushions can be.
Towards the end of the summer over a conversation with a friend I was reminded of the importance of having fun and that got me thinking. I chose to be a nanny after coming back from Indonesia because I wanted to keep the joyful, childhood spark alive in my heart and mind. After a year of seminary and being around "grown ups" I think I've forgotten how important fun and awe are. I will often mentally categorize "fun"things as less holy and choose instead to put my mind to serious pursuits.
Yet, having fun fills me with joy; it reminds me of God's wonderful creation and the joy that He desires us to have. So a big goal for me of the year: have more fun and increase my joy.

Owning Strengths and Weaknesses

I struggle to embrace some aspects of who I am. Case in point: I am a planner (Myers-Briggs language: I am a J). I like to make lists, think through how to get things done, and do them. In fact, I have already started knitting Christmas presents. Yes, I am thinking of Christmas in August.
I struggle because there are many people who don't plan as I do, who look at me like I'm really over prepared (which I often am) and a little crazy (again, often am). So I suppress it. I try to relax and let things go more. Don't get me wrong - being super uptight about one's plans and holding onto them tightly is NOT a good thing. But planning is not bad.
As I was knitting the thought hit me that God had to have a lot of things planned out for Christ to come when He did, as He did. A lot of planning went into Christ's ministry on earth. Yes, there was a lot of flexibility, but there were certain plans in place, too.
With that thought I was convicted of trying to suppress who God's created me to be - trying to be more like some mythical "other" who is more "holy" in some way then I am. I forget that God specially made me (and you) to reflect an aspect of who He is - no one (except Christ) fully displays His character, so I must strive to fully embrace the strengths God has given me, recognize the weakness, and lean on His grace and the Body of Christ to fill in the gaps.

Willing to Cry

The other day I got news that my friend had just experienced a loss. I basically ignored it and the implications. I assumed I'd have time to deal with it later - to let her know I was sorry and to share a kind word. I didn't want to take the  to enter into her pain, to be sorrowful yet always rejoicing (2 Cor. 6:10).
It took an email a few days later for me to stop and cry for her, with her. It took me getting out of my world which was very self-focused, to realize that she was in pain and that I could enter into it with her - I could recognize it, mourn with her, cry with her and pray with/for her. It changed my outlook and sympathy for her when I let my guard down and got out of the world. But I had to be willing.
It is a scary thing to be willing to cry and to enter into another's pain. It often brings up past pain and almost always brings up questions about God's goodness and love. But I have confidence that my God is bigger. While I do not love the tears, questions or pain that comes, I do love my friends. As part of the Body of Christ when they hurt. May God give me the grace and courage to experience their pain, extend grace, and trust Him fully with it all.

~~Pause~~

Sometimes God calls you to be still. I think he does this with me more often then I listen. I love to do things - to be busy, to get things done. Now there is definitely a good level of activity to be maintained to keep from laziness, but I will often bring it to an extreme. And often, I will forget to stop for what is most important.
Case in point - the other day I sat down to work on what I'll say in chapel. I flipped open to Philippians and got my commentaries around me. I looked at what I had done and felt at a total loss. I absolutely could not figure anything out, nothing seemed to go together. I left feeling frustrated and generally irked. Later, when I spent time with Jesus I told him that...
The next day I realized that it would probably be much better to spend time with Jesus before sorting through the Bible about what to say in chapel. So I did and it made a world of difference. Let me quickly point out how ridiculous it is to try to do things FOR God before spending time WITH God; moment over.
It always humors me how quickly I forget who God is and what He wants with me. He is powerful and active in my life today and He wants all of me. When I forget His present power I rely on myself and not give Him my all.
So even as the busyness sweeps in, pausing for time with Jesus - to give him my all - needs to be first and foremost on my mind.

One Meal, Lasting Impact

I remember my freshman year of college as a student at a school in Dallas, living on campus and learning to navigate all these social settings that I had little previous experience.
That being the case, it was not uncommon (especially in my first semester) to find myself at the cafeteria with no friends around. I would often grab a book or my Bible so I would feel less awkward. One of those meals by myself has stuck in my head to this day. I was reading over James was blown away by  James 5:16. I spent an hour contemplating and meditating on the nuances of "Confess your sins one to another and pray for each other that you may be healed" (my memorized version). I was struck by the fact that there is something in the confession and the prayers of another that can bring healing.
That verse has proved pivotal in shaping my prayer life - of holding prayers for others seriously, but also of being bold in asking others to pray for me when I'm struggling with sin. I have constantly experienced the impact of that verse as upon a confession to another, knowing they are praying for me and receiving their prayer releases provides release from the sin or struggle.
I have been amazed at how that verse has blessed me over the years. It is an amazing reminder of the value of spending time digging through Scripture; whether the study is for yourself or another, Scripture can transform the heart and mind and leave a lasting impact.

Chess and Failure

Last week while with Matthew and Sarah I made a rather large mistake. Matthew had somehow fanagled me into a game of chess and half way through I stopped (quit). Immediately after stopping and putting it away I apologized. I knew that regardless my frustration I should have finished. I'm just not the biggest fan of chess and it becomes even less fun when a 9 year old creams you.
Though this was a small example of failure (in chess and in failing to complete the game) it nags at me as a reminder of how much I hate to fail. Yes, hate. My stomach churns, heart drops and I get angsty when failure seems imminent. To the normal, non-perfectionist, ok with failing person this has got to seem crazy. But to me it is something that God has to do (and has done) a huge number on because, quite frankly, most of life is full of various opportunities to fail. If I do not learn how to look them in the eye and take the risk of failure, the chance to succeed will never present itself.
Besides, my worth, hope and value need to be firmly planted in God - not in how well I do at something (anything); so failure is a good reminder for me to cease from my own efforts and rely on God as my all-in-all, identity and worth.

Rainfall

Today it rained; it was wonderful. The temperature dropped from 90 degrees to 83 degrees in 40 or so minutes, making the outside world a delightful place to be. Sweet change.
Yesterday, I felt like I had my own rainfall. Sunday morning I woke up and felt a bit "blah" which continued through the day. I let my head and heart get focused on the negative and nothing was quite shaking it. Then in the twinkling of an eye it changed.
The change was due to a conversation I had with a friend and in the middle of the conversation something I said hit. There was silence, then a few tears. At that moment I realized that it had nothing to do with what I said - God moved.
And he used me. That's what got me so excited. God used me in this person's life. I had no right to expect to be used, no claim on it, and he could have used someone else, but he caused it to be me and I was blessed by it. The discouraged, inward looking faded away and joy started bubbling up. It's continued today.
What a beautiful change that can sweep in such a short time.

The Long Haul

This week flew past me. I was so excited to have some God moments in the week - some definite ways that He showed up, especially in regards to a long term prayer.
I easily, and quickly forget that this life is not about the hear and now; not about this momentary satisfaction. I think I let myself sink into that a bit when pain creeps up and I am tempted to look inwards, be incredibly self-pitying, and forget that this momentary pain will pass.
Thinking long-term is hard. It requires more then what feels good now. It requires thinking and seeing the big picture and then walking forward step-by-step in faith.
Ultimately, I feel like it requires a profound trust in God - in His goodness and in His wisdom. More often then not he doesn't work in the timing we want which can frustrate our self-centeredness. What I love to see and hear, though, is the times when I see Him working in prayers prayed years ago, in things done that seemed like they didn't matter, and suddenly they do.
Simple faithfulness is what is really needed; obedience in the here and now (wherever that is, however that looks) which can produce such amazing results in the years to come.

Different Plans

I do not begin to understand how God works. I mean, I think I do but then I get thrown a curve ball.
This week is a week I get to spend with "my" kids all day. I was so looking forward to it - especially bringing them to the beach for a night. Well, my back started really acting up and so I made the hard decision to cancel the overnight. I was sad, they were sad. I was just a little miffed and struggling, but knew I made the right decision.
So today, instead of waking up with the kids then driving back in the afternoon I woke up in my own bed and drove to work.
At work my boss engaged me in an hour long discussion on God and Jesus. It was awesome. I have had few conversations like that with her, but never where I got to talk so fully about my reliance on the Bible as my absolute authority and how that shapes my views. Her questions were real and honest, and God let me have a part. My answers were far from complete, but I know God can use them.
It's sort of cool to see how God can work through every situation and use these change of plans to allow me to speak the truth of His word to someone I really did not expect to get to share that much with.
It reminds me that everything is in His hands - the good and hard - and He will use it all.

A Day in The Life

This week I'm back with Sarah and Matthew and the week started out delightful. I really love doing this, just those wonderful little things that you have the time to do with kids.
We went to the mall and checked out the American Girl Doll store. Yes, there's a two-story store for the American Girl Dolls in Tyson's Mall. It was awesome. Sarah spent about 45 minutes trying to figure out what to get.
We then went to the Lego store where Matthew spent about 15 minutes (if that) picking out some toys.
Then onto the frozen yogurt shop in the mall where they both got to experience their first time doing the whole self-serve frozen yogurt thing. Wonderful.
Then, after getting back they played with their toys so I got to talk on the phone and read a book (almost finished it). Then we did a baking project where we were creative and tried to make a new cupcake recipe (turned out quite good).
All of these are part of the many reasons I love my job. I get to do goofy and fun things I love with kids I love and they are old enough and mature enough so that they give me down time of my own.
All that and I got to read them a Bible story and reinforce the idea of spending time with Jesus. What could be better?

Momentary

I forget how short days can be. The past two days my pain level spiked a good deal and I was frustrated. Maybe frustrated is an understatement. I had some long talks with God about this - and they did not all end with peace and joy. In the midst of pain with no end in sight discouragement set in.
Yet, this morning I woke up with less pain then I've experienced in quite a few weeks. I was more then a little surprised. I feel like God is quietly reminding me of his grace, presence and love. In the midst of a trial of any sort it can be hard to hold onto God's wisdom and goodness. It can be easy to be discouraged, question and doubt; yet through this God knows are frame and that we are but dust (Psalm 103:14), will meet us at our point of need and continue to remind us of his goodness and love. But we must persevere, be honest, and not lose heart. For our God is bigger and he will never leave or forsake us (Heb. 13:5).

Risking Growth

I was reading a book (The Five Smooth Stones by Robertson McQuilkin) the other day that talked about maturing in the handling of one's finances - of going from giving impulsively, to tithing, to giving out of love, to sacrificial faith giving/living (or some such stages).
Reading that I had the realization that it can be risky to grow and change. I have often heard people denounce the concept of tithing (or spending time with Jesus daily, going to church weekly, being accountable, etc) because they do not want to become "legalistic." I get it - you've seen the bad of the people who have done those things; it seems like drudgery, like it would be worse then where you are. So staying stagnant is safer, at least you won't become one of "them."
But the sad thing is God wants so much more then for us to trade in one set of sin issues for another. This is what the world believes we do, but it is simply not the case. He wants transformation. We forget that. God can not only change our outward behavior and habits but our inward thoughts and feelings as well. He can cause us to forget that we are "tithing" and cause us to give joyfully. Yes, mistakes will be made. You may become like "them" for a little bit, but if you are pursuing God and allowing Him to work to change your heart you will not stay there. You will take a risk by stepping out in faith and God will meet you there. If we know our God the risk becomes minuscule and the opportunity to see God at work becomes great.

History and Future Hope

I did not want to go to bed last night so I decided to rummage through my room. This happens whenever I am at my parents; inevitably I go through things - throw things out rearrange them, etc. One of the things I decided to do was clear out this beautiful trunk because I want to bring it down to South Carolina:

In it were my journals (which I moved to my book shelf):

I counted them - twenty seven journals (though a few of them were quite small) so far.
This is my history, my past, yet so much a part of who I am. In these I have poured out my heart to God over various matters and in these God has answered in profound ways.
I love the documentation of the past - the stories and the perspective it provides. Through the past we can see God working in and through the dark hours, we can see those half hearted, not really believed prayers be answered in the present. We can also see the big, bold prayers come to fruition in ways we never would have imagined. We see that God is not a dead God, but is living, active and intimately involved in our lives; he will not sit idly by. The reminder of the past spurs hope and faith for the future that God will continue to work but we must learn to wait on his timing.

Fear of the New

I do not like trying new things. That is why, though I'm very excited about being GLC president, there is also a certain amount of fear that goes along with concept.
This past semester provided many opportunities to try new things. Some of which came in the form of knitting. I knit a sweater for the first time. Then, I moved onto a shawl done in LACE and I learned to read a VISUAL pattern!!! These things frightened me. After completing the shawl (and being darn proud of myself and all) my friend told me I needed to block it. She assured me it was easy, but I had still never tried it, so taking a deep breath I followed the simple instruction.

It turned out AMZING. This is it sprawled out, being blocked.

From another angle.I mean honestly, I think this is my favorite object I have knit to date. It'll be great in those cold classrooms.
And then it hit me - well, of course there are many new experiences in the world, and though the new can be scary and sometimes end in disaster, oftentimes God does great, marvelous and beautiful things in and through it.

Single "Wholeness" ?

One of the things that I have heard about being single is that you have to become "whole" before being married, or that God wants to make you "complete" before He will bring you a spouse. I think the concept is that you should not sit around doing nothing while waiting to be married, but continue to grow in sanctification. But what often comes about is that there is something wrong with you that God must fix before He can give you the gift of a spouse.
But God does not work as we expect. And we can never get to a place where we are "whole" enough before God will give us the gift of a spouse. It is his gift to give.
I know these people mean well, but I think we need a better and bigger understanding of God. God, for His reasons, will have some amazing people wait a lot longer then they would want before getting married. God for His reasons will bring two people together who you just wonder about. None of us will be "whole." Ever. We are all broken before God; marriage doesn't make us whole and remaining single longer won't. God has different gifts for different times for different people and will continue to work through a believer to conform them to the image of Christ - married or single.

Make Believe and Communication

While working with Sarah and Matthew one of the days they both decided that they wanted me to play a game they had each made up with them. Sarah was first. We were to choose from selected creatures and then pretend to be the creature. I was a centaur - yes, I chose the easiest beast I could be; I love to play with them, but sometimes fatigue hits a little harder. I convinced Sarah to let us go for a walk which made the pretending easier (we often take walks pretending to either be or have along mythical creatures). After the walk, Sarah declared the game done.
Next was Matthew's game. Matthew decided he wanted to create a game with a playing board, scores, and magic animals. I started, received my magical animals and was then informed I had to train them. "Where do I go for that?" I asked.
"To the carnival."
"Ok, where's that?"
"You have to guess. You can either go to the dark woods or the village."
I opted for the dark woods but was still befuddled at the whole process and Matthew's small explanation. I had my suspicion that the game was based heavily on an online game he plays called Wizard 101 and he was imposing those rules on his constructed game. I was informed that I was to start training, and was loosely told how, but when I tried to proceed I could see a frustrated look come across Matthew's face. I obviously was not getting it.
I could tell he had thought it through. I could tell it made absolute sense to him. But I also knew his explanations were lacking. So I gently told him that - that I knew it made sense in his head, but he needed to be patient with me because it wasn't making sense to me yet. Could he try explaining it again so that I could understand? He did, and I got it (though I didn't last much longer at the game).
Looking back at that I realized that I was teaching some basic communication. So often we have a concept that makes absolute sense to us; we've thought it through and know the ins and outs. Yet, when we try to explain it to someone else they miss it. This is even further exasperated if trying to communicate cross-culturally. We need to learn patience and humility - realizing that our words and concepts may not make sense to others and take the time to think through ways to explain that the other person can truly grasp.
Then, we will al be able to play together :)

The Lies We Tell Ourselves

Do you ever have those moments when you suddenly realize that what you thought wasn't "such a big deal" really is? I go along telling myself that the dream, friendship, hope, plan, etc. that did not work out really isn't a big deal. I tell myself that God has something bigger and better planned. I tell myself to get over it and move on.
Then there comes that time when I realize it hurts to not get what I wanted and that maybe I wanted it even more then I let myself believe. I was lying to myself.
The first time this really hit me was my second year of college. I had quit swimming a year (ish) ago due to shoulder problems, giving up the dream of being an Olympic swimmer. I had been coasting on the idea that it "wasn't a big deal" for that year (plus) until various circumstances prevented me from living with the lie I was telling myself and sent me into a dark depression.
I cried out to God (and got some good counseling) and I learned to grieve, mourn and give up some of my dream. But that process of grieving, mourning and giving up was not a one time thing. Nor will it ever be a one time "done" deal. I have far too many dreams and the world we live in is far too broken not to have more shattered dreams. Some of these are big, but many more of them are so small that I feel a little petty confessing that realizing it would not happen hurts as it does.
But when I recognize the lies and admit and confess them to God, I take a step of faith and trust Him - trust His goodness and His wisdom. I also talk to people who have lived longer and seen God work in more ways then I have. Through it all I grow - in recognizing the ways I deny the truth about my feelings, in dependence on God, and grow in my understanding of God's love for me in wanting to keep me living in the light of the truth.

The Beauty of History

Friday I took Matthew to the Natural History Museum. It was his choice. Sarah was on a day-long bike ride with her grandfather. I'm not the biggest fan of the Natural History Museum primarily because it forces me to think... a lot. If you have not been there, it is awesome, but try going with a 9 year old who has already been learning about evolution and talking with him honestly about the evolution/creation/Biblical perspectives. Ummm, tiring. Last year I brought Sarah and Matthew and I refused to go through the Hall of Human Origins with them. This time I went with Matthew - one 9 year old is easier then a 6 and 8 year old.
And we talked. Every time there was a reference to evolution, we talked (I'm sure this was NOT his favorite part). But it was good. We talked about the reliability of the Bible, about science, about knowing what can be known and leaving the unknown.
I love these conversations. I can't tell you how much I love them. To be able to talk with him, challenge him and help him challenge what he's been taught. It gives me hope and reminds me some of why God brought me into their lives (though I know I will not fully know and see this for years... maybe not until heaven).
It also reminded me of the more basic fact that I absolutely LOVED being a nanny, especially the summer. Getting to interact that closely with children, share your life with them, pray over them, have FUN with them in that way is precious and such a blessing.
I get all nostalgic and idealistic thinking over it, though. It was amazing, but God has something better in store for me - can I believe it? So while I love history, I must always remember to keep my eyes on God and my hope and heart firmly planted in Him and on the good he has in store for me.