Spiritual Warfare or Just a Little Crazy?

This past week a few things hit me and I allowed a little bit of crazy to set in. I got a little selfish, a little scared and a little crazy. Getting back to South Carolina on Saturday I felt these things increased - especially in my interactions with my boyfriend.
I hope I am not alone in having one of those days (or weeks). I woke up this morning and felt like a different person. I felt sane. There's really no other way to describe it. I thought through some of my actions/reactions over the past week and thought "Yeah, that was a little bit (or whole lot) of crazy." The other thought that quietly came up is this - spiritual warfare still happens.
I know the whole phrase "spiritual warfare" is thought of as an overseas thing - where demons are exorcized or something - but I feel we (I included) neglect to recognize that we are not wrestling against flesh and blood but against powers and spiritual forces (Eph. 6:12). When we neglect the reality of spiritual warfare in our lives we miss out - we miss out on some of the causes of our problems, but even more on the power to combat them. If we seek to solve everything on our own in our flesh we will not have the power.
When I'm getting a little crazy or freaking out over something it must not be my flesh that seeks to battle these things - I must learn to bring them before God and seek his heart and wisdom in the matter.
Though we live in a world of the seen, we must remember that our battle is not with the seen alone. We must battle the unseen forces that seek to sway us from obediently following Jesus to have victory.

Thanksgiving and Quiet (?)

I love Thanksgiving and all it entails - family, eating, laughter. However I struggle with one thing: needing alone time (case in point: I am writing this in a room with three other people). Today, I snuck off for a bit by myself at the hotel room - I worked on school work and just enjoyed the quiet. I just needed the time and space to quiet my heart and soul and be away from everyone.
While I love my family there is something more important - spending time with Jesus. Most notably done alone. So while I'm with people, to truly love them well I must learn to carve out that time to sit and be with Jesus. I don't always do it well, I don't always find the right time or space. Often I will still get short with people and rely on my own strength - but thankfully grace abounds.
Anyways, that's my thought for the day :) Quiet is a must even (or especially) in the midst of chaos.

From Bitterness to Joy

Yesterday, the elders at my church prayed over my in regards to my back problems. The pastor read through the passage in James 5:13-16 in regards to prayer for healing and asked if there was any unconfessed sin in my life. The Holy Spirit pricked my heart and revealed that I was allowing bitterness to spring up in regards to my pain and back problems. So with Thanksgiving coming and to attack the bitterness I am making a list of things I am thankful for. Cliche? Yes. But what better way to counteract bitterness and bring God glory?
List of thanksgivings:
1. That God rejoices over me (Zeph. 3:17). Whenever I get depressed, remembering that God delights over me amazes me - especially when I'm mad at him.
2. For some amazing friends - knowing that there are people I can tell everything to and who will still love me is such an encouragement. They can take the bitterness and anger and call me to account.
3. For being part of the body of Christ - it is so amazing in my own weakness to realize there are people around me who will love, care for, and support me... sometimes people I barely know and all because we're in Christ.
4. For a great family - I love my family, even when far away, and they often bless me in ways that surprise and delight me :)
5. For an amazing boyfriend - it's been so great to see God working in and through our relationship and getting to experience a little of what it means to have a man cherish me. I'm spoiled rotten in this regards.
6. For the opportunity to serve at CIU - I do not take lightly the privilege to serve. I also feel so blessed that God has allowed me this opportunity and am amazingly blessed to see how God uses me and the GLC team to encourage others.
7. The GLC team - it's awesome to learn from all these people. I've felt so supported in leading them and love the passion and excitement everyone brings to the table.
8. The mentors (past and present) - I am constantly amazed at the people God has placed in my life - past and present - to bless, teach and encourage me.

I realize I could go on and on - most of what I'm thankful for is people and God at work, honestly (and there has been a lot of that). This is just a little glimpse, but a good reminder that God is working all around me and I have much to rejoice in and be thankful for. Happy Thanksgiving :)

What's My Spiritual Gift?

I was in class last night and we talked of the gifts of the Spirit and what ours are. My roommate from last year said she didn't know. I responded without hesitation "Hospitality and mercy." Ok, so I don't technically know if hospitality is a gift, but I've definitely seen the mercy aspect come out in our prayers together. I have seen the same thing manifest in other believers I've prayed with as well - they remember things in prayer that I never would and seem to enter into prayer for me in a way that touches and surprises me. It's actually been cool being here, because I'm starting to connect people with their gifts a little more clearly as I start to see the same things manifest in various people - such as a few friends with the gift of discernment.
But this leads to more troubling questions - why are we (as Christians) not more regularly and consistently calling out and encouraging one another in our giftings? Why don't we strive to practice them more?
I'm struck with two facts - (1) we have little faith that God is working in us (hence, no seeking to practice) and (2) we are not acting as the body in encouraging and exhorting one another in the giftings and talents we see in another's life. Out of this results a break down in the Body of Christ so that we do not fully function and people's giftings are failed to develop.
Some of this, I believe, is the result of our individualist, American culture - why should we bother encouraging one another if you're supposed to figure everything out for yourself? Sad that some people think this way, but true.
I think the other problem is that we are prideful - we hate to admit need. To allow others to exercise their gifts means admitting need - it's saying we don't have it all together ourselves and need this other person to minister to us (or saying the other person met a need we could not meet on our own).
My hope and prayer is that we will learn to encourage others in their gifts and to seek to exercise them for the glory of God - then may the church function more fully as the Body of Christ.

God's Grace Doesn't Wait

For the past two days I've been praying a lot seeking God's wisdom as to what's wrong with my back (as mentioned in my last blog post). I've been discouraged in it, a little scared, yet sure that God will give me the grace to take each day at a time. My specific prayer is that God would make clear if there is any underlying issue to what's going on with my back.
God answered my prayer (I believe) this morning in class. I sat down and my friend asked me about my back - I said it was doing better, but it still hurt. She asked a little more, which I shared, and then she said, "I know exactly what's wrong" and started explaining what had happened to her with her back problems and all the ways that impacted various other parts of her body. It fit what I was dealing with to the letter. She said she knew the exact steps to take and could help coach me through the process of what to do to help alleviate the pain. I was in the back of class (thankfully) as a tear slipped down my cheek. God heard my prayers and answered.
The amazing thing was he answered out of his grace - I had not fully gotten over my frustration/anger. I knew intellectually that God is faithful and gracious, but emotionally I still was mad. Yet he did not wait for my perfected obedience or submission; he reminded me that he knows me inside out and cares regardless.
I'm not saying the journey is done, I'm not saying I won't slip and fall again (or cease to get angry); but what I do know is that God is faithful, he knows me and loves me more then I could imagine.

Mad At God

I think I don't realize how poor my theology is until I experience pain and then see how easily I get angry at Jesus. You see, I've suffered with chronic pain for the past two-plus years. It has gotten better over time, but each time I think I've found a way to alleviate the pain and it fails, or each time it gets worse after getting better for a bit, I get thrown for a loop.
I had been getting so much better over the past few months and had been greatly encouraged by this until the past three weeks where I had seemed to stall.
But Sunday was the last straw. I moved backwards. My back "went out" quicker then it has in ages and the pain increased. I was fuming and didn't quite know what to do with it. I talked with God a bit, but what can I say when I bring the same thing to him over and over again?
I saw myself getting selfish and self-protective. If there's any question where any of my love, grace or kindness comes from the answer is God alone. All I wanted to do was things that would adequately distract me from the pain - the physical pain, yes, but more so the emotional pain and hurt I was experiencing with my poor perception of what a loving God is and should do for me. I don't like talking with God when I'm mad at him. He always wins.
So I avoided really talking to God about why this was going on. I avoided the feelings of failure this produces so quickly within my soul - isn't there something I could be doing that could stop this? What did I do wrong? What did I do to cause this? Do I really deserve to have this continue?  I avoided  these questions and selfishly indulged myself with TV and some not-so-healthy food.
And there I sit, with the anger within my soul, the frustration of living with pain in a fallen world, and the absolute truth that God is good, gracious and loving.
I feel a little like Job - "Though he slay me I will hope in Him. Nevertheless I will argue my way before Him" (Job 13:15). I know the truths of who God is, but practically living them out is such a different matter, so I fight with him when I hit those hard times. Thankfully, God knows what I can handle and is willing to meet me where I am - even in my anger and pain.

Time with Jesus in Seminary

In seminary it can often be challenging to pull away and spend time with Jesus. School work can bog me down and dull my senses to the power of Scripture as I sit down to analyze it and do it with a deadline and for a grade. Everyone who works here exhorts the students to make sure they are spending personal time with Jesus so they continue to cultivate their relationship and not rely on school work alone.
I agree, but I sometimes struggle with that. You see, I love to "sit" in my school work. The most recent is a curriculum design project and teaching outline which I have done on the book of Esther. I have loved researching, learning and contemplating how to teach it. I have begun to really meditate on the words and truths of Scripture, allowing them to penetrate my heart. It has been joyful and has influenced my time with Jesus; in fact, it has become a significant part of my time with Jesus.
So I struggle with the separation of my personal time with Jesus and my school work. They seem to overlap. I made this comment to a friend, that I always get side tracked in my times with Jesus by what I'm learning in school. She simply replied that if God is in the design of the curriculum and wants me here now, aren't these things important for me to learn and meditate on? I love it. God is overall and that overlap is part of the beauty of his drawing me to what I need to study and learn from his word - in and out of the classroom.

In Process

My sophomore year of college I was hit with a serious depression. It hit quick, about a month into my fall semester, and really took me by surprise. In about a week I could identify the common depression symptoms - change of appetite, inability to concentrate, change in sleeping habits, loss of interest in activities I normally enjoy, and thoughts of harming myself. Not fun.
I didn't get it, my freshman year had been a time of great deepening in my personal relationship with Christ - I had learned what it meant to live in reliance on the Spirit, gotten really connected in ministry, spent the summer serving at a Young Life camp; my sophomore year I had started memorizing Philippians, was leading a small group, looking forward to being more involved on campus, yet was suddenly seriously depressed. Why would God bring me to this opportunity to serve in my life and yet seem to stop me?

I had to withdraw from school that semester and go home to deal with the issues and recover.
It took about a year of counseling and meds to be able to feel like I was out of the cloud of depression. In that time I seriously questioned God's goodness - why would he allow me those opportunities to serve and then stop me? Why had he taken away so many other things I perceived as good? My joy in the Lord was gone, God felt silent and distant. I was hurting and confused.
Yet God worked through His. I had a group of friends I could pray with and who allowed me to be real - frustrated, honest, mad and vulnerable. I had an amazing counselor who challenged me to look at lies I was believing - lies about my need to earn God's (and other's) approval; lies that said I needed to perform to be accepted. She challenged the shame I lived under and urged me to hold onto God's truth. I was able to stay connected with my church, serve, go to a Bible study, and slowly heal. God was working all around to bring healing.
I still question God from time to time (thankfully, he's big enough to handle it). I've also been back for counseling since then, when I see some of those ugly symptoms raise there head. I'm not perfect, not done, simply in process. Thankfully, God fully accepts me as I am and is rejoicing over me as I walk in obedience where he has leads me - his patience is amazing.

Where's My Heart At?

Last spring God brought me face to face with the reality that I was looking for a husband and holding that ideal of a relationship as something to"obtain" - i.e. once spiritual enough, it would happen. It was (one of) my idol. My heart was in hoping that as I grew and matured God would finally reward me.
I questioned God's wisdom in keeping me single so long, questioned if God was really good enough to allow this desire to continue for so long without being fulfilled. Well, I questioned those, but maybe not  worded like that. They sounded like - Why am I still single? Did I miss something? Should I have done something different? I want to be married, is that a wrong desire? How am I to continue to look at ministry and grow my giftings if I really want to be married?
God also convicted me of loving my brothers in Christ poorly, of too often looking at them as a potential spouse as opposed to as a brother to freely love and encourage.
Through all this, the one thing I was thrown back to was what do I believe about God? My questioning my singleness was, at the heart, honestly a question of who God is. I began to learn that God's goodness does not rest on what he gives, but on who he is; my understanding of his love and grace matured.
I also began to learn what it means to be content where I am (see this blog post), and realize that the gift of marriage is just that - a gift to be freely bestowed in his timing, in his way regardless of my own efforts.
I'm at a slightly different season now, yet I still question God (it sounds different, that's all). Regardless of where I am or where I will be I have to come back to this - do I really believe God is ALL of who he says he is and will do all he's promised? Do I really believe God is in control, knows my heart, and has brought me to such a time and place as this?
May our hearts be firmly planted in the truth and ready to accept all God has for us; believing in his goodness and wisdom.

Being Sanctified

When people ask me how things are going with Magnus I tend to pause and think and they say "good." I always have a half question behind that because I'm wondering what they really want to know (maybe this is attributing too much to the question). Here's the deal - this relationship is sanctifying my socks off. I've heard marriage is even more so.

What I mean is this - my sin is being brought to the surface. God has revealed fear, insecurity, and other sins as I've continued to interact with Magnus. God has called me to trust and follow him and to trust Magnus, too. Honestly, it's been hard, scary and risky. 

But it has been good. So, very good. I have seen God answer prayer in regards to things about Magnus. I have seen God working in Magnus in such amazing ways, seen Magnus respond to me with humility that has amazed me.

So how are things going? Good, but not the rainbows-and-butterflies, everything-is-perfect good; but the God-is-at-work-growing-me-in-a-great-way good. As I hope it continues to be. But isn't this how every good gift of God comes? They come to grow and stretch us and mold us evermore into the likeness of Christ.

Lust: Men Are Not Alone

My last post I talked about the need of modesty for men. Maybe I should have started off with this post, as it explains why women need modest men. Here's the deal: We struggle with lust. However, our issue of lust is not (usually) physical as a man's. Seeing a man dressed provocatively is not likely to stir our hearts and cause us to stumble; a man's actions and words with us will, though.
The only reason I can speak on this subject is because I have struggled with lust. I didn't have this concept explained to me until my freshman year in college and I didn't really think or believe that every woman struggles with lust until reading the book Every Woman's Battle.
What I learned from that, and my experience, is that my heart can become easily entangled with a man through his immodest actions. Long one-on-one conversations, talking of deep hurt and pain, and other conversations which should be done at a heart level with a woman, when done with a man can cause an attachment which simply should not be there.This also causes thoughts that should not be there.
God had to work mightily and deeply in my heart to free me of this because it was not all about a man's actions. God brought me face-to-face with the truth that I was looking to men for comfort when I should be looking to God alone and that I did not really trust and believe God's goodness in providing a husband in his timing and in his way.
Did I have MANY issues that caused these wrong thoughts? Yes, absolutely. Were there times and situations where a man's questions were leading somewhere they should not go or his actions and words were revealing intent he did not have? Sadly, yes.
I feel so much of the modesty and lust issue goes to the heart in two ways:
1. Do we truly believe God is loving and good to provide what we need when we need? If so, can we trust and wait on him or do we feel we may (in some way) need to take control of this issue?
2. Can we learn to truly practice the one another commands of Scripture? Can we learn to truly honor our brothers and sisters and treat them as that? Can we learn to love one another well considering how we can truly, lovingly spur one another on with no hidden motive or agenda?

Modesty: Not Just for Women

I was talking to a friend today who led to a hot button topic. She stated that so often women in the church are exhorted and commanded to "be modest" in dress, attire, etc. and that there seems to be SUCH a list of commands for us women, but what is the contrast for the men?
This gets me irked, because while it may be easy for guys (and girls) to point out a woman who may be dressed immodestly, it is more challenging with a man.
First, let me state that I believe that men are immodest when they fail to recognize that a woman's heart is delicate and do not seek to learn what it means to honor and respect a woman. This is not as obvious as immodesty in women, in fact I think this calls men to a higher standards because it is not about the outward appearance as it is about a man's heart in interacting with a woman. A man leads in so many aspects and few men recognize themselves as leaders. Yet, they set the tone in a conversation and relationship.
I do not want to get into specifics about what a man should or should not do or talk about with a women. I have had conversations about this with some men and get various answers, the honest truth is that it is at the heart.
Men: what are your thoughts and intentions towards your sisters in Christ? Are you looking for a potential girlfriend (or wife) or are you looking to love, serve, honor, guard and build up your sisters? Can you surrender the hope for a girlfriend/wife for the delight in loving your sisters well? Don't know how to do that? Why not ask a married man you truly respect.
A note to my sister: we are just as responsible to guard our hearts. What entangles our hearts? What causes us to think wrongly about our brothers - stir up more questions then it should? We may need to stop hanging out in some situations which may not be a problem for others (I know I did). Can we surrender the hope and desire for a boyfriend/husband for the aim of truly loving our brothers well?


"Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others" Phil. 2:3-4