It hit me last night that this theme of my need of God's grace has continued to come up - specifically learning to lean into God's grace and walk in confidence in his grace and love for me. Usually when I see an area that I want to grow and change in I set about learning; seeking out any sin issues that may be involved, watching for behavioral manifestations, bringing it before friends for prayer, seeking out the truth of Scripture, and coming to God with it.
Well, let me say that having to repent for not living in God's grace is like repenting from legalism - there's really not much I can "do" in those terms except lean into God. It just feels different, and I feel God seeking to bring me to a point of relaxing and leaning into Him. I also realized that if this is something deep and that I am going to learn well it will really take time (hmm, is that more work talk on my part?). I'm not talking days or weeks, I'm talking a year (or more).
I don't know why, but that's sort of scary to me to think about looking at God's goodness, grace and mercy for that long... like I'll miss something more important I should be doing. That probably means it's something that I really need to do - to just sit at God's feet; to sit in the Word and soak up the glorious riches of God's grace, mercy and love.
"Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Keep Walking
I feel like I’ll never be in a place where I’ll be “done” or “ready” to serve. I feel like there's often this perception that you need to have it all together to lead - that simply cannot be the case, though, or nothing would get done. Ever.
I don't have it all together, I never will. Wow, what a relief to actually admit that. The ironic thing is I let myself slip into believing that there are people who do have it all together. This may partly be a southern thing I'm experiencing more strongly now, but I feel that when I admit that I don't have it all together or when I speak frankly about a sin or a struggle that people will shy away from me.
I just need to be ready and willing to serve where I am, how I am, and continue to be honest about who I am (this includes the truth of who I am in Christ). I need the courage to continue to walk forward and the faith to keep walking. I need to continue to keep in front of me that God uses broken people, and that it's truly not about me - not my glory or fame - but it's about God's glory and spreading that throughout the world. Even through a broken sinner like myself.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Entitlement
Through this Lenten time of sacrifice and with other things arising I have realized something very scary about myself: when I feel I am sacrificing something or something has been taken from me I can get bitter. And that can often lead to a feeling of entitlement to indulge in something else.
My mind goes something like "Well, I'm not going to have that so I can have this instead" or "Well, since I have to deal with this, I deserve some chocolate to make things feel better." I was doing this quite unconsciously and then as I was eating some chocolate the other day it hit me. It hit me that it was more then just a soothing mechanism, it was being done in defiance at God for the pain I was facing. Frustrated with what I was dealing with and not willing to face the difficulty head on, I decided I deserved the chocolate.
Basically, I dislike pain and suffering. I often feel like I'm entitled to something better and having chocolate, or whatever else, is my way of saying so to God. But it's not about my comfort or happiness, it's about learning to enter into whatever God has placed in my path and realizing it is a gift from God and that regardless of my surroundings or how hard things get, God is good and to be praised.
My mind goes something like "Well, I'm not going to have that so I can have this instead" or "Well, since I have to deal with this, I deserve some chocolate to make things feel better." I was doing this quite unconsciously and then as I was eating some chocolate the other day it hit me. It hit me that it was more then just a soothing mechanism, it was being done in defiance at God for the pain I was facing. Frustrated with what I was dealing with and not willing to face the difficulty head on, I decided I deserved the chocolate.
Basically, I dislike pain and suffering. I often feel like I'm entitled to something better and having chocolate, or whatever else, is my way of saying so to God. But it's not about my comfort or happiness, it's about learning to enter into whatever God has placed in my path and realizing it is a gift from God and that regardless of my surroundings or how hard things get, God is good and to be praised.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Missing Facebook
At least a little. I have actually really enjoyed being off facebook for the most part. I have appreciated how God has brought around various people and I have not thought about the whole facebook connection when talking with them (not that I obsessively did before). But there is this moment where I'm realizing that spring break is over and I could spend half an hour reading through people's posts of what they did over spring break, or just reconnecting with them in general and I miss facebook.
There is this trust that I feel developing between me and God in this process, though. I have to trust him so much more with friendships and bringing about the connections with others I need. I have to trust that he has me where he wants me, when he wants me, with the information he wants me to have. So much more reliance on him, so much more awareness of my inadequacy. A good thing to be learning during Lent.
There is this trust that I feel developing between me and God in this process, though. I have to trust him so much more with friendships and bringing about the connections with others I need. I have to trust that he has me where he wants me, when he wants me, with the information he wants me to have. So much more reliance on him, so much more awareness of my inadequacy. A good thing to be learning during Lent.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Self-Focus
I was struck today by how easy it is to get focused on myself. Without even really trying, all my desires needs and experience jump to the surface, overwhelm me, and cause me to cease thinking of others or God. Even in thinking of good things such as ministry when it turns to rumination, focuses on the negative and fails to take into account God sovereignty it is bad!
How essential it is to keep a proper perspective, to have people around who can speak truth into your life and to be in the Bible daily to keep God's perspective in your life and on the world around you. God is sovereign, and I am but one piece in the puzzle. Focusing too strongly on the one piece will fail to take in the big picture, and will fail to realize that God can fit me in where he wants, as he chooses.
May the learning and growing in my life be such that I am able to filter my experiences constantly through God's perspective and not get caught up in the little details of my life; may his glory and praise ever be my chief focus.
How essential it is to keep a proper perspective, to have people around who can speak truth into your life and to be in the Bible daily to keep God's perspective in your life and on the world around you. God is sovereign, and I am but one piece in the puzzle. Focusing too strongly on the one piece will fail to take in the big picture, and will fail to realize that God can fit me in where he wants, as he chooses.
May the learning and growing in my life be such that I am able to filter my experiences constantly through God's perspective and not get caught up in the little details of my life; may his glory and praise ever be my chief focus.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Log and Speck
Recently I have been in situations where there have been problems seen in other groups - it seems so clear that this other group of people is doing something wrong (and often they are). It seems so outrageous and confusing why and how they could do something so atrocious, yet they do! How could it be?
Yet, after talking with someone in the "other" camp and being treated with such grace and humility it caused me to step back and consider the sin that I/we brought to the situation. It sort of hit me that as we look at the "other" we fail to look at ourselves. This feels like a mini ethnocentricism. We get wrapped up in the idea that we are totally right and have no reason to repent or change because the "other" is so apparently wrong.
But in this all, we as a group of complaining people have a log in our own eye that we are failing to see and get out. Yes, the "other" may be doing something wrong, but so often our approach is to badger and berate, to accuse and condemn instead of humbling ourselves, seeking repentance and out of love, grace and humility seeking to restore and strengthen the "other" people. This is an individual principle that Christ extols (Matthew 7:3-5), but it is so applicable and needed as we are in groups - especially Christian groups - so that we can truly love, serve and build up those around us.
Yet, after talking with someone in the "other" camp and being treated with such grace and humility it caused me to step back and consider the sin that I/we brought to the situation. It sort of hit me that as we look at the "other" we fail to look at ourselves. This feels like a mini ethnocentricism. We get wrapped up in the idea that we are totally right and have no reason to repent or change because the "other" is so apparently wrong.
But in this all, we as a group of complaining people have a log in our own eye that we are failing to see and get out. Yes, the "other" may be doing something wrong, but so often our approach is to badger and berate, to accuse and condemn instead of humbling ourselves, seeking repentance and out of love, grace and humility seeking to restore and strengthen the "other" people. This is an individual principle that Christ extols (Matthew 7:3-5), but it is so applicable and needed as we are in groups - especially Christian groups - so that we can truly love, serve and build up those around us.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Pleasant Reminder
In class on Tuesday the professor challenged us as we had previously turned in a paper referring to what three "solas" we would implement for the church today and no one put "grace." He was concerned that our generation may be forgetting the power of grace.
Right after that I went to chapel where the speaker spoke of grace saying, "If you want to make the world mad preach about law; if you want to make the church mad preach about grace."
I then came back to my apartment and read through Romans. I have a feeling God is trying to get my attention.
I forget his grace far to often. I'm afraid of its glorious richness; God not only freely gave his Son for the salvation for all who will receive, he desires to continue to lavish grace upon those who believe. I do not need to work to earn God's approval. I do not need to worry about failing and losing his love. I do not need to fear that God will be less pleased with me tomorrow then he is today.
I need to push into his grace - live and breath it. I need to drink in his love and mercy. This sounds scary because in a world that is based so strongly on performance, receiving things freely feels like a cheap shortcut. Preaching the freedom of grace feels scandalous. It makes our actions seem smaller and less significant and God bigger and mightier. It minimizes us and magnifies God. But that's the magnificences of grace; it is all about God and not at all about us.
Right after that I went to chapel where the speaker spoke of grace saying, "If you want to make the world mad preach about law; if you want to make the church mad preach about grace."
I then came back to my apartment and read through Romans. I have a feeling God is trying to get my attention.
I forget his grace far to often. I'm afraid of its glorious richness; God not only freely gave his Son for the salvation for all who will receive, he desires to continue to lavish grace upon those who believe. I do not need to work to earn God's approval. I do not need to worry about failing and losing his love. I do not need to fear that God will be less pleased with me tomorrow then he is today.
I need to push into his grace - live and breath it. I need to drink in his love and mercy. This sounds scary because in a world that is based so strongly on performance, receiving things freely feels like a cheap shortcut. Preaching the freedom of grace feels scandalous. It makes our actions seem smaller and less significant and God bigger and mightier. It minimizes us and magnifies God. But that's the magnificences of grace; it is all about God and not at all about us.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Into Lent (or Goodbye Facebook)
So this will be my last facebook link/post/update until after Lent (though I will still be blogging). I have to confess I'm a little scared - scared at what God will reveal in my heart and scared at how much I may miss it. I wonder how much of my friendships are wrapped up in facebook. I wonder at how much weight I put on signing onto facebook and seeing that people have commented on my status or posted on my wall. I'm planning to start stalking Joshusproject.net and learning more about unreached people groups.
My hope and prayer is that God will use this time to bring to light the truth of the value I place on people and feeling connected with them versus the value I place on God and being connected with Him.
I'm excited because I know I'm putting myself in a position to see God work in my life - to reveals sin but also to bring growth and deepening.
May this season of Lent be a continual reminder of God's grace.
My hope and prayer is that God will use this time to bring to light the truth of the value I place on people and feeling connected with them versus the value I place on God and being connected with Him.
I'm excited because I know I'm putting myself in a position to see God work in my life - to reveals sin but also to bring growth and deepening.
May this season of Lent be a continual reminder of God's grace.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Weakness and Honesty
I've disliked the phrase "man up" for a while now. I know there are times when it's appropriate to push through/past the pain and to face what is ahead, but I feel that often in Christian circles we tend to think that ignoring pain - whether physical or emotional - somehow makes us more godly. I often am under the perception that to admit to physical pain and ask for help for that is a bad sign of weakness. I have had to learn that yes, it is a sign of weakness to admit to physical pain/problems but it is also a huge growing point in humility because you must learn to rely on others and you have to be open enough to ask for help - admitting you are not perfect but exposing weakness.
In another area, to admit that someone did something that really hurt you simply shows a weakness on your part for not being mature enough or godly enough to love the person "as is." I know this can be brought to another extreme of complaining about every little thing that others do wrong... but I think it can often be simply hard to admit that you're hurt by another's actions - you may be angry, frustrated, ticked, annoyed, etc. but hurt? That, I feel, is a little more vulnerable and may require some loving action on your part.
My point? We are all weak and broken people. Whether or not we can admit that is another matter, and an area I think we need to have a little more courage to face.
In another area, to admit that someone did something that really hurt you simply shows a weakness on your part for not being mature enough or godly enough to love the person "as is." I know this can be brought to another extreme of complaining about every little thing that others do wrong... but I think it can often be simply hard to admit that you're hurt by another's actions - you may be angry, frustrated, ticked, annoyed, etc. but hurt? That, I feel, is a little more vulnerable and may require some loving action on your part.
My point? We are all weak and broken people. Whether or not we can admit that is another matter, and an area I think we need to have a little more courage to face.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Facing Idols
My friend wrote on her blog the importance of giving up things for Lent, saying:
"Lent is a time to fast from something that is near and dear to us – probably a little too near and dear to us. If you’ve ever tried fasting from food, you know that it does funny things to you. For example, being hungry makes me tend to be crabby and irritable. Any kind of suffering does that to us – it shows up who we really are. It brings our sins to the surface. Since Lent is about dealing with our sin, fasting helps us face that sin in ourselves to fight it directly. It’s hard, and sometimes it seems like I make more backward progress than forwards. But if nothing else, being so confronted with our sin makes us more appreciative of what Christ did for us – Like the beautiful story of the “sinful woman” in Luke 7:36-50:“Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.”"
Tim Keller recently wrote a book called Counterfeit Gods where he talked about the fact that we all have these idols in our lives - good things that we have made ultimate things. So in coming to Lent we have the opportunity to suffer and to face some of those idols in our lives as they're exposed through the suffering of giving things up. We have the chance to enter into suffering.
This is cool to me because I know that there are so many times when God allows suffering into our lives to grow us and to reveal various sins. But over Lent instead of waiting for the circumstances to come about, we are saying, "Jesus, I love you more and I know there are things in my life that should not be there. I know that there are thoughts, ideas, and beliefs that have resulted in me loving things more then I love you. So now, I want to love you more and I want to allow these things to be secondary as you are primary; I want to surrender all to you."
We can face those idols and repent.
"Lent is a time to fast from something that is near and dear to us – probably a little too near and dear to us. If you’ve ever tried fasting from food, you know that it does funny things to you. For example, being hungry makes me tend to be crabby and irritable. Any kind of suffering does that to us – it shows up who we really are. It brings our sins to the surface. Since Lent is about dealing with our sin, fasting helps us face that sin in ourselves to fight it directly. It’s hard, and sometimes it seems like I make more backward progress than forwards. But if nothing else, being so confronted with our sin makes us more appreciative of what Christ did for us – Like the beautiful story of the “sinful woman” in Luke 7:36-50:“Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.”"
Tim Keller recently wrote a book called Counterfeit Gods where he talked about the fact that we all have these idols in our lives - good things that we have made ultimate things. So in coming to Lent we have the opportunity to suffer and to face some of those idols in our lives as they're exposed through the suffering of giving things up. We have the chance to enter into suffering.
This is cool to me because I know that there are so many times when God allows suffering into our lives to grow us and to reveal various sins. But over Lent instead of waiting for the circumstances to come about, we are saying, "Jesus, I love you more and I know there are things in my life that should not be there. I know that there are thoughts, ideas, and beliefs that have resulted in me loving things more then I love you. So now, I want to love you more and I want to allow these things to be secondary as you are primary; I want to surrender all to you."
We can face those idols and repent.
Friday, March 4, 2011
The Risk of Leadership
Some people say leadership is hard and challenging, but I've found leading the WCW task force risky. I've found it especially risky because I feel like God has gently, yet firmly, placed his hand on my life pressing things down and allowing more and more sin to be revealed which I often feel like is then clearly displayed for the world to see (yes, I know that's a bit self-centered).
Yes, I know there's definitely that concept that people probably pay less attention to what I perceive as a big deal, but there's also an acute awareness on my part that my sin will impact how I lead and interact with others around me, and those deep sins within, the ones I'm not even fully aware of, could come out and hurt someone else.
The risk for me is being aware of this - being aware of the pain I may cause others, the ways I may mess up and fail, the way things may fall apart - yet fully and totally trusting God that he has put me in this place for a reason and that he can use and redeem even my brokenness and failure. He is bigger and he chooses to use us, sinful people. It honestly seems more of a risk on God's part then mine. I guess that again emphasizes God's greatness, and the privilege it is to be used by him to advance his kingdom.
May the risks never outweigh the truth that our God is bigger.
Yes, I know there's definitely that concept that people probably pay less attention to what I perceive as a big deal, but there's also an acute awareness on my part that my sin will impact how I lead and interact with others around me, and those deep sins within, the ones I'm not even fully aware of, could come out and hurt someone else.
The risk for me is being aware of this - being aware of the pain I may cause others, the ways I may mess up and fail, the way things may fall apart - yet fully and totally trusting God that he has put me in this place for a reason and that he can use and redeem even my brokenness and failure. He is bigger and he chooses to use us, sinful people. It honestly seems more of a risk on God's part then mine. I guess that again emphasizes God's greatness, and the privilege it is to be used by him to advance his kingdom.
May the risks never outweigh the truth that our God is bigger.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Uncomfortable Worship
At the seminar Uncomfortable Worship that was put on today by Josh Davis of Proskuneo I was encouraged to look at the various things that hinder worship such as sin and pride, among other things. I was encouraged by the biblical references and the whole concept that worship is costly and risky business - and we're not just talking corporately, we're also talking one's daily life of living for God's glory.
I was thinking of some of those discomforts and then an uncomfortable thought popped into my head - personal worship (i.e. quiet times) - have the potential to be costly. I tried to push the idea out of my head, but it stuck. I thought through my comfortable morning routine... and then I thought about areas I really wanted to grow in my relationship with God - such as praying God's Word. The only way to really do that, to really take the time and develop the discipline would be to sacrifice time and sleep.
I know that is really surface and petty, but there's part of me churning inside with my comfortable worship, my safe routine. I don't know if I trust God with providing the sleep I need or the wakefulness I would need to wake up earlier. There's also that deep down voice that tells me sacrifice and making myself uncomfortable in worship to go deeper with God will be pointless.
All I can say is that it's a good thing Lent is approaching as it is forcing me to seriously consider what sacrifice really looks like.
I was thinking of some of those discomforts and then an uncomfortable thought popped into my head - personal worship (i.e. quiet times) - have the potential to be costly. I tried to push the idea out of my head, but it stuck. I thought through my comfortable morning routine... and then I thought about areas I really wanted to grow in my relationship with God - such as praying God's Word. The only way to really do that, to really take the time and develop the discipline would be to sacrifice time and sleep.
I know that is really surface and petty, but there's part of me churning inside with my comfortable worship, my safe routine. I don't know if I trust God with providing the sleep I need or the wakefulness I would need to wake up earlier. There's also that deep down voice that tells me sacrifice and making myself uncomfortable in worship to go deeper with God will be pointless.
All I can say is that it's a good thing Lent is approaching as it is forcing me to seriously consider what sacrifice really looks like.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Worship and Pride
Today I was reminded again of how much I need to grow in grace, humility and truth. It was a simple comment on one of my favorite verse - Philippians 2:3-4 "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." This was said in regards to worship and more specifically, style of worship. It hit my heart.
So often I go into church looking to be ministered to, looking for my needs to be met. I'll get annoyed if the music isn't exactly to my taste (among other things). Yet, this verse calls me to look out for others' interests. Even in worship and while I'm in church.
I feel there are so many areas that God has yet to unpack the truth of this verse in my life. So many areas where I'm sure I harbor hidden pride, selfish ambition. Yet God in his grace will not cease to grow me - will not cease the good work he began (Phil 1:6).
I am thankful for this reminder, prayerful that he will ever more reveal these areas that I walk around with blindly confident
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