Preparing for a Wedding... or a Marriage?

Through our engagement period, Magnus and I have gotten to the point where we'll look at one another and say "I want to be married now" or "Why are we waiting so long?"Not only that, but our engagement period will actually be longer than our time dating - not the normally recommended course. Thankfully, that day is approaching!
As I processed this question of why we are waiting so long before God I find that one of the primary answers he gives is that he wants to prepare us for marriage, not just a wedding day. (NOTE: I am NOT saying that those with a short engagement period are preparing for the wedding and not the marriage, I am saying this is what I believe the case is for us before God).
I find this true due to the conversations we have, the conflict that comes up, the experiences God is bringing us through together, and the trust and patience it is developing in each of us. We do not have the excuse of lots of pressure in the wedding planning process to use to sweep hard issues under the rug - we have time to face them head on. These conversations are the primary thing. Those conversations where I don't quite understand what is happening, but then I see my sin, and cringe. Those conversations where Magnus amazes me and repents of something. Those conversations - they are so hard, but they are preparing us in ways I know we cannot expect or imagine for marriage.
So as the days are dwindling between now and the wedding day, my hope and prayer is that we not get lost in the details of the wedding and forget to look at God, and prepare for a married life together. In the midst of the waiting, it's good to remember that God knows what he's doing and he is good.

Is God on time-delay?

I don't know why, but I usually get into this mindset that I'm to pray and wait. And wait. And wait. I think that's often because what I'm asking for involves the need for my character to grow and for some sin to be repented of before I can receive what God has for me. If (most of the time) God actually gave me what I ask for when I ask for it, I think I'd be a spoiled brat.
But then, there are those times when I cry out (often in frustration) and he responds quickly. The other day I was talking to God and feeling so frustrated. I felt like I was getting self-focused and not being used much. I had a desperate "Just use me" request. About half-hour later a friend knocked on my door. She was just dropping something off, but the conversation that proceeded was clearly of God and the Spirit was at work.
When she left, I paused and said "thank you" with some surprise. I often feel like I will always have to wait a long time for an answer, but that's just not true. Sometimes it is more about us asking and believing that God can and will do what we ask... that, and learning to ask with a heart that is after God and not purely after our own self-interests.

A Blast of God's Movement

After having a long week and still waiting for so much from God, in a heartbeat God moved. I love it and at the same time it leaves me breathless.
Magnus and I have been praying about where to live - he has been hoping and praying for a specific place. He was supposed to move on Saturday within his complex with his roommate due to some renovations within the building. Friday, after stress, confusion, possible canceling of the move Saturday, things finally fell into place in that Magnus would be able to move into the place he wanted us both to live. And I will be able to move in when we get married.
I walked away from that situation with my head spinning - I mean, there's a whole new level of "realness" in that where Magnus is living is going to be "our" place. Wow.
But one thing that was deeply impressed on my heart is this - God knows our needs and is preparing the way. It's so easy for me to get caught on the details that God has NOT answered, but in his movement (before either of us were expecting it), he prepared the way for where we are to live. He's calling me, wooing me to himself in this and telling me gently (but firmly)"trust me. I have you and I know your needs." I could explain this in human terms, but honestly, this was God's movement. He knows our needs and decided to bless us with a reminder of his generous love and care.
Why then worry or be afraid? Our God is bigger.

How do I love God?

I've been reading through the gospel of John and have been simply amazed at Jesus' demonstration of his love. I mean, he went to a wedding and made sure the party kept on going (John 2) and pursued someone who was considered an "outcast" of society (John 4). Jesus clearly loves people, and that's true about me (and you).
As I was driving and thinking about this love I recognized I was struggling with the pictures I see painted in the Bible. Jesus is so kind, good, and lavish in his love. But I'm still struggling to rest in it. As I contemplated this, a thought struck - how do I love God?
My mind flitted to 1 Corinthians 13:4-7:

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

What I was confronted with is this - when I face circumstances I am not patient or kind with God, I demand my timing (and do so harshly). When God grants me something I am often arrogant and rude. When I see that God gives someone else something I want, I am envious.
Mostly, though, when it comes to my relationship with God I insist on my own way and then grow resentful and irritable when it does not occur.
I feel like there are so many more ways I fall short in loving God, accepting his way, and surrendering my hopes and dreams to him. The amazing, God-given part of this all? He's still reminding me daily that he loves me. He is still showing me how he loves through the written word, through many friends, and through the convictions and promptings of the Holy Spirit.
Whether or not I love God well, his love for me does not end.

Looking Up

Have you ever gotten so bogged down in your own problems and struggles that you forget about God? I have, I do. Frequently, in fact. I tend to get my mind and eyes focused on my own worries, cares, and concern. I forget to look up at Jesus and keep my eyes steady on him and his goodness.
I taught on Moses last week and was pointing out observations from his burning bush experience (Exodus 3-4) and observed that Moses was really focused on himself, his own inadequacies, and his own reasons why he couldn't do what God was asking him to do. God's response - I made you! I am God! Stop looking at yourself, look at me!
I think this story of Moses hits so true because we like to look at ourselves and not at God. I would rather be concerned about my daily life then believe that God has seen my sufferings and knows it all (Exodus 3:7-10). I would rather complain about my inadequacies then believe that God made me with them and is able (Exodus 4:10-17).
Whenever we get stuck in drudgery - in complaining, in looking down, in being hopeless - we must learn to re-direct our eyes and look to God. Look at his beauty, his mercy, his grace. We must remember his past workings and look at how he is working. We must believe that he really is bigger and he is able.

A Seasoned Life

I went out for a walk today to talk with Jesus. I was a little preoccupied and slightly discouraged. I had spent time with Jesus in the morning and Magnus asked me what he had told me and my quick reply was "nothing." Magnus gave me a look and said, "Rachel, Jesus is always speaking."
I squirmed. Honestly, I didn't know if I wanted to hear what Jesus had to say, but I figured I'd go talk (and listen) a little more. On the way to my favorite talking place, I ran into some friends and one asked how I was doing. I bit my lip, shook my head and she said kindly, "It's only a season."
I left the conversation encouraged, and realizing that this was a friend whose words lived out Colossians 4:6 which says, "Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person." Her heart is set on Jesus, so her words overflow with truth and love. This overflow blessed and encouraged me and reminded me of God's timing. Her words (likely unintentionally) were in a real way from Jesus - they were truth and my ears and heart grasped them.
I love this beautiful and simple reminder that it is not about how much we know, but how we live our lives. In every interaction we have an opportunity to bless and encourage one another, providing we live a life connected to our Savior and seeped in the truth. Drenched in his love and truth, we can allow that to overflow into the lives of others, impacting more then we may ever know.
I did go on to have a good conversation with Jesus and listened to him, too; I was reminded of God's gracious provision to me through times with him, as well as through his people.

Waiting... Again

I came into this semester with a set of expectations. God has taken each and every one of those expectations and said "no."  A lot of this has revolved around work situations - I was expecting to continue the job I had this summer through the semester, yet on Friday the job ended. Magnus and I had some joint expectations which God has also said "no" to and I have come to realize that I am at a point of waiting. Again. Asking God for provision, for answers, and seeking his direction and guidance.
I really don't like this whole waiting/dependence thing. God, in the midst of all the circumstances that make me want to scream (hello, add a flat tire to my day), calls me to trust in and rely on him. Let me be frank: I don't like this. Yet, God wants me, he wants all of me, and he wants to content me in himself. He wants to make me happy... joyful really (Gal 5:22-23)
He doesn't want me looking towards circumstances to make me happy. He doesn't want me relying on outward jobs or other success to feel secure. He wants me looking to and relying on him. He wants my delight, joy, security and acceptance to be rooted and grounded in him. Period.
I am wading into this waiting period and slowly releasing to God my expectations. I know that when they're his, he will grow me and deepen me in my experience in and delight of him. This is far better then simply getting what I want... but that doesn't make it easier.
For some reason, I thought when I met my husband (Magnus) that an aspect of this waiting process would get easier. It's amazing to see how my heart is so grounded in circumstances and not in God. But as God continually reminds me - he is good, loving, kind, and he wants all of me.
"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21

The Journey of Forgiveness (Must I reconcile?)

Forgiveness is hard enough as it is. But I grew up with the concept "forgive and forget." I felt like the person's sin didn't matter and I had to pretend it never happened. Well, I discovered that is not necessary or healthy.
First, reconciliation is good, it shows something beautiful that can happen within the church that often does not happen in the world. Reconciliation should be pursued (consider Matthew 18:15-20) - we should not, in general, go "forgive, forget, ignore, move on." Reconciliation will often involve confrontation, which means you will have to lovingly talk with the person who hurt you.I do not want to diminish the role and beauty of reconciliation.
But what happens when the person does not want to reconcile... or do not respond to the confrontation in a repentant manner - maybe they do not acknowledge that what they've done is really that bad (or sin)?
Here's the deal - forgiveness is always required (Matthew 6:12, 14-15). But restoring the relationship to what it was - renewed friendship and trust - depends largely on the response of the one you are confronting. I feel like I put my foot in my mouth when I say this. It sounds un-Christian and untrue. The example I was given for this was God, though. David Stoop who wrote Forgiving the Unforgiveable states that God demonstrates what reconciliation can or cannot look like. Through Christ, God offers forgiveness to all not all accept and repent. Those who do not repent will not have a relationship with God or eternal life.
In the past, I have experienced great hurt from an employer and sought reconciliation. The employer denied the severity of what he had done and while I forgave him, I realized I could never work for him again (unless God told me to) as he showed no level of repentance. If I re-entered the situation I would demonstrate that I had not learned to set appropriate boundaries that God has called me to in being a good steward of what he has given me. Make sense?
Have I stirred the pot enough? I think the best thing as you're processing forgiveness is to immerse yourself in the Bible and surround yourself with godly counsel.
May our hearts be ever for forgiveness, seeking to pursue reconciliation, and relying for God's empowerment through the process.