One Meal, Lasting Impact

I remember my freshman year of college as a student at a school in Dallas, living on campus and learning to navigate all these social settings that I had little previous experience.
That being the case, it was not uncommon (especially in my first semester) to find myself at the cafeteria with no friends around. I would often grab a book or my Bible so I would feel less awkward. One of those meals by myself has stuck in my head to this day. I was reading over James was blown away by  James 5:16. I spent an hour contemplating and meditating on the nuances of "Confess your sins one to another and pray for each other that you may be healed" (my memorized version). I was struck by the fact that there is something in the confession and the prayers of another that can bring healing.
That verse has proved pivotal in shaping my prayer life - of holding prayers for others seriously, but also of being bold in asking others to pray for me when I'm struggling with sin. I have constantly experienced the impact of that verse as upon a confession to another, knowing they are praying for me and receiving their prayer releases provides release from the sin or struggle.
I have been amazed at how that verse has blessed me over the years. It is an amazing reminder of the value of spending time digging through Scripture; whether the study is for yourself or another, Scripture can transform the heart and mind and leave a lasting impact.

Chess and Failure

Last week while with Matthew and Sarah I made a rather large mistake. Matthew had somehow fanagled me into a game of chess and half way through I stopped (quit). Immediately after stopping and putting it away I apologized. I knew that regardless my frustration I should have finished. I'm just not the biggest fan of chess and it becomes even less fun when a 9 year old creams you.
Though this was a small example of failure (in chess and in failing to complete the game) it nags at me as a reminder of how much I hate to fail. Yes, hate. My stomach churns, heart drops and I get angsty when failure seems imminent. To the normal, non-perfectionist, ok with failing person this has got to seem crazy. But to me it is something that God has to do (and has done) a huge number on because, quite frankly, most of life is full of various opportunities to fail. If I do not learn how to look them in the eye and take the risk of failure, the chance to succeed will never present itself.
Besides, my worth, hope and value need to be firmly planted in God - not in how well I do at something (anything); so failure is a good reminder for me to cease from my own efforts and rely on God as my all-in-all, identity and worth.

Rainfall

Today it rained; it was wonderful. The temperature dropped from 90 degrees to 83 degrees in 40 or so minutes, making the outside world a delightful place to be. Sweet change.
Yesterday, I felt like I had my own rainfall. Sunday morning I woke up and felt a bit "blah" which continued through the day. I let my head and heart get focused on the negative and nothing was quite shaking it. Then in the twinkling of an eye it changed.
The change was due to a conversation I had with a friend and in the middle of the conversation something I said hit. There was silence, then a few tears. At that moment I realized that it had nothing to do with what I said - God moved.
And he used me. That's what got me so excited. God used me in this person's life. I had no right to expect to be used, no claim on it, and he could have used someone else, but he caused it to be me and I was blessed by it. The discouraged, inward looking faded away and joy started bubbling up. It's continued today.
What a beautiful change that can sweep in such a short time.

The Long Haul

This week flew past me. I was so excited to have some God moments in the week - some definite ways that He showed up, especially in regards to a long term prayer.
I easily, and quickly forget that this life is not about the hear and now; not about this momentary satisfaction. I think I let myself sink into that a bit when pain creeps up and I am tempted to look inwards, be incredibly self-pitying, and forget that this momentary pain will pass.
Thinking long-term is hard. It requires more then what feels good now. It requires thinking and seeing the big picture and then walking forward step-by-step in faith.
Ultimately, I feel like it requires a profound trust in God - in His goodness and in His wisdom. More often then not he doesn't work in the timing we want which can frustrate our self-centeredness. What I love to see and hear, though, is the times when I see Him working in prayers prayed years ago, in things done that seemed like they didn't matter, and suddenly they do.
Simple faithfulness is what is really needed; obedience in the here and now (wherever that is, however that looks) which can produce such amazing results in the years to come.

Different Plans

I do not begin to understand how God works. I mean, I think I do but then I get thrown a curve ball.
This week is a week I get to spend with "my" kids all day. I was so looking forward to it - especially bringing them to the beach for a night. Well, my back started really acting up and so I made the hard decision to cancel the overnight. I was sad, they were sad. I was just a little miffed and struggling, but knew I made the right decision.
So today, instead of waking up with the kids then driving back in the afternoon I woke up in my own bed and drove to work.
At work my boss engaged me in an hour long discussion on God and Jesus. It was awesome. I have had few conversations like that with her, but never where I got to talk so fully about my reliance on the Bible as my absolute authority and how that shapes my views. Her questions were real and honest, and God let me have a part. My answers were far from complete, but I know God can use them.
It's sort of cool to see how God can work through every situation and use these change of plans to allow me to speak the truth of His word to someone I really did not expect to get to share that much with.
It reminds me that everything is in His hands - the good and hard - and He will use it all.

A Day in The Life

This week I'm back with Sarah and Matthew and the week started out delightful. I really love doing this, just those wonderful little things that you have the time to do with kids.
We went to the mall and checked out the American Girl Doll store. Yes, there's a two-story store for the American Girl Dolls in Tyson's Mall. It was awesome. Sarah spent about 45 minutes trying to figure out what to get.
We then went to the Lego store where Matthew spent about 15 minutes (if that) picking out some toys.
Then onto the frozen yogurt shop in the mall where they both got to experience their first time doing the whole self-serve frozen yogurt thing. Wonderful.
Then, after getting back they played with their toys so I got to talk on the phone and read a book (almost finished it). Then we did a baking project where we were creative and tried to make a new cupcake recipe (turned out quite good).
All of these are part of the many reasons I love my job. I get to do goofy and fun things I love with kids I love and they are old enough and mature enough so that they give me down time of my own.
All that and I got to read them a Bible story and reinforce the idea of spending time with Jesus. What could be better?

Momentary

I forget how short days can be. The past two days my pain level spiked a good deal and I was frustrated. Maybe frustrated is an understatement. I had some long talks with God about this - and they did not all end with peace and joy. In the midst of pain with no end in sight discouragement set in.
Yet, this morning I woke up with less pain then I've experienced in quite a few weeks. I was more then a little surprised. I feel like God is quietly reminding me of his grace, presence and love. In the midst of a trial of any sort it can be hard to hold onto God's wisdom and goodness. It can be easy to be discouraged, question and doubt; yet through this God knows are frame and that we are but dust (Psalm 103:14), will meet us at our point of need and continue to remind us of his goodness and love. But we must persevere, be honest, and not lose heart. For our God is bigger and he will never leave or forsake us (Heb. 13:5).

Risking Growth

I was reading a book (The Five Smooth Stones by Robertson McQuilkin) the other day that talked about maturing in the handling of one's finances - of going from giving impulsively, to tithing, to giving out of love, to sacrificial faith giving/living (or some such stages).
Reading that I had the realization that it can be risky to grow and change. I have often heard people denounce the concept of tithing (or spending time with Jesus daily, going to church weekly, being accountable, etc) because they do not want to become "legalistic." I get it - you've seen the bad of the people who have done those things; it seems like drudgery, like it would be worse then where you are. So staying stagnant is safer, at least you won't become one of "them."
But the sad thing is God wants so much more then for us to trade in one set of sin issues for another. This is what the world believes we do, but it is simply not the case. He wants transformation. We forget that. God can not only change our outward behavior and habits but our inward thoughts and feelings as well. He can cause us to forget that we are "tithing" and cause us to give joyfully. Yes, mistakes will be made. You may become like "them" for a little bit, but if you are pursuing God and allowing Him to work to change your heart you will not stay there. You will take a risk by stepping out in faith and God will meet you there. If we know our God the risk becomes minuscule and the opportunity to see God at work becomes great.

History and Future Hope

I did not want to go to bed last night so I decided to rummage through my room. This happens whenever I am at my parents; inevitably I go through things - throw things out rearrange them, etc. One of the things I decided to do was clear out this beautiful trunk because I want to bring it down to South Carolina:

In it were my journals (which I moved to my book shelf):

I counted them - twenty seven journals (though a few of them were quite small) so far.
This is my history, my past, yet so much a part of who I am. In these I have poured out my heart to God over various matters and in these God has answered in profound ways.
I love the documentation of the past - the stories and the perspective it provides. Through the past we can see God working in and through the dark hours, we can see those half hearted, not really believed prayers be answered in the present. We can also see the big, bold prayers come to fruition in ways we never would have imagined. We see that God is not a dead God, but is living, active and intimately involved in our lives; he will not sit idly by. The reminder of the past spurs hope and faith for the future that God will continue to work but we must learn to wait on his timing.

Fear of the New

I do not like trying new things. That is why, though I'm very excited about being GLC president, there is also a certain amount of fear that goes along with concept.
This past semester provided many opportunities to try new things. Some of which came in the form of knitting. I knit a sweater for the first time. Then, I moved onto a shawl done in LACE and I learned to read a VISUAL pattern!!! These things frightened me. After completing the shawl (and being darn proud of myself and all) my friend told me I needed to block it. She assured me it was easy, but I had still never tried it, so taking a deep breath I followed the simple instruction.

It turned out AMZING. This is it sprawled out, being blocked.

From another angle.I mean honestly, I think this is my favorite object I have knit to date. It'll be great in those cold classrooms.
And then it hit me - well, of course there are many new experiences in the world, and though the new can be scary and sometimes end in disaster, oftentimes God does great, marvelous and beautiful things in and through it.

Single "Wholeness" ?

One of the things that I have heard about being single is that you have to become "whole" before being married, or that God wants to make you "complete" before He will bring you a spouse. I think the concept is that you should not sit around doing nothing while waiting to be married, but continue to grow in sanctification. But what often comes about is that there is something wrong with you that God must fix before He can give you the gift of a spouse.
But God does not work as we expect. And we can never get to a place where we are "whole" enough before God will give us the gift of a spouse. It is his gift to give.
I know these people mean well, but I think we need a better and bigger understanding of God. God, for His reasons, will have some amazing people wait a lot longer then they would want before getting married. God for His reasons will bring two people together who you just wonder about. None of us will be "whole." Ever. We are all broken before God; marriage doesn't make us whole and remaining single longer won't. God has different gifts for different times for different people and will continue to work through a believer to conform them to the image of Christ - married or single.

Make Believe and Communication

While working with Sarah and Matthew one of the days they both decided that they wanted me to play a game they had each made up with them. Sarah was first. We were to choose from selected creatures and then pretend to be the creature. I was a centaur - yes, I chose the easiest beast I could be; I love to play with them, but sometimes fatigue hits a little harder. I convinced Sarah to let us go for a walk which made the pretending easier (we often take walks pretending to either be or have along mythical creatures). After the walk, Sarah declared the game done.
Next was Matthew's game. Matthew decided he wanted to create a game with a playing board, scores, and magic animals. I started, received my magical animals and was then informed I had to train them. "Where do I go for that?" I asked.
"To the carnival."
"Ok, where's that?"
"You have to guess. You can either go to the dark woods or the village."
I opted for the dark woods but was still befuddled at the whole process and Matthew's small explanation. I had my suspicion that the game was based heavily on an online game he plays called Wizard 101 and he was imposing those rules on his constructed game. I was informed that I was to start training, and was loosely told how, but when I tried to proceed I could see a frustrated look come across Matthew's face. I obviously was not getting it.
I could tell he had thought it through. I could tell it made absolute sense to him. But I also knew his explanations were lacking. So I gently told him that - that I knew it made sense in his head, but he needed to be patient with me because it wasn't making sense to me yet. Could he try explaining it again so that I could understand? He did, and I got it (though I didn't last much longer at the game).
Looking back at that I realized that I was teaching some basic communication. So often we have a concept that makes absolute sense to us; we've thought it through and know the ins and outs. Yet, when we try to explain it to someone else they miss it. This is even further exasperated if trying to communicate cross-culturally. We need to learn patience and humility - realizing that our words and concepts may not make sense to others and take the time to think through ways to explain that the other person can truly grasp.
Then, we will al be able to play together :)

The Lies We Tell Ourselves

Do you ever have those moments when you suddenly realize that what you thought wasn't "such a big deal" really is? I go along telling myself that the dream, friendship, hope, plan, etc. that did not work out really isn't a big deal. I tell myself that God has something bigger and better planned. I tell myself to get over it and move on.
Then there comes that time when I realize it hurts to not get what I wanted and that maybe I wanted it even more then I let myself believe. I was lying to myself.
The first time this really hit me was my second year of college. I had quit swimming a year (ish) ago due to shoulder problems, giving up the dream of being an Olympic swimmer. I had been coasting on the idea that it "wasn't a big deal" for that year (plus) until various circumstances prevented me from living with the lie I was telling myself and sent me into a dark depression.
I cried out to God (and got some good counseling) and I learned to grieve, mourn and give up some of my dream. But that process of grieving, mourning and giving up was not a one time thing. Nor will it ever be a one time "done" deal. I have far too many dreams and the world we live in is far too broken not to have more shattered dreams. Some of these are big, but many more of them are so small that I feel a little petty confessing that realizing it would not happen hurts as it does.
But when I recognize the lies and admit and confess them to God, I take a step of faith and trust Him - trust His goodness and His wisdom. I also talk to people who have lived longer and seen God work in more ways then I have. Through it all I grow - in recognizing the ways I deny the truth about my feelings, in dependence on God, and grow in my understanding of God's love for me in wanting to keep me living in the light of the truth.