Doing or Being?

Busy people cab often make me feel a little guilty. They stir up guilt because I always feel like I should be doing more around them - more service, more activities, more involvement. Guilt will creep up on me and I just wonder at the fact that God seems to be using them in all the activities that they do while here I am with little or nothing to do.
God really had to speak to my heart in and through that; He had to remind me that my worth and value are in Him alone and that it's not about what I do, it's about who I am and who He has made me to be. Being able to be still with God and rest in Him is so much more important then being able to "do" all these activities "for God."
It's sort of funny to me that the tables are turned. Now I am busy "doing" a whole bunch of things on campus. I constantly have to remind myself that it is not about what I do or about how much I do, it's about who I am and who I am with - seeing people as Jesus sees them and loving them as He does.
Spending time with Jesus and being still with Him is sill more important then "doing" of activities and being with people so much better then "accomplishing" things. I'm thankful to have that encouraged and modeled here at CIU and I hope and pray that as the semester and year continues God will keep this at the forefront - to be still and be with God is the most important thing.

A Slice of My Story (Hard Work in Maturing)

One of the biggest growing/maturing time in my life came through my experience in Indonesia. After having a challenging time in Indonesia where I felt abandoned, mistreated, and ignored I had to come back and face some people in the states who had caused much of this pain and deal with issues such as forgiveness and reconciliation. I realized quickly that there would be choices I would have to make through the process. I could choose to pretend that those who hurt me hadn't really impacted me - put on a facade that though they are so awful, God is good and everything is peachy-keen. I could choose to be angry and bitter and fight them tooth and nail - hold onto the pain and allow it to eat away at my soul until I was a seething, bitter, angry fool. Or I could choose to fully face the pain and acknowledge the fullness of the hurt these people caused me, question why God did this, and submit to His Word in recognizing His sovereign control, wisdom and the extent in which He forgave me freeing me to forgive those who had hurt me.
I had at that point already seen what happened to people who choose the path of ignoring the pain (often end up having a break down later in life) or bitterness (not fun people to be around) and I did not want that for my life, so I took the Bible and begged for God's grace, love and courage to forgive and grow. It was not easy; dealing with hurt and pain never is. It took work, God's grace and many of God's people to walk me through that time, yet God has produced fruit in me from that and has grown me through that in ways I never could have imagined. Is maturing hard and painful? Yes. Is it worth the work to know and love God more deeply? Most definitely.

Towards Maturity

When I was little I did not like the word maturity. I got the impression that when grown-ups used the words "maturity" it was synonymous with "grown up" which really meant "has no fun." So I stayed away from the word and concept. I cringed at the thought of being a grown up who has no fun. I still do.
However, as God has grown and matured (yes, I used the word) me one of the most fascinating things I have learned is that maturity is not boring and restricting. It's freeing. Maturity does not restrict one to no-nonsense jobs, dull conversations about the weather, or politics (though some mature grown ups love those); maturity in Christ frees you to live fully for God in all the ways He has created you. It is full, joyful and spontaneous. It is not a mindless ignoring of responsibilities, but a full acknowledging of all God has given you (responsibilities, gifts, talents) and learning to rejoice in that... and to be dorky at times, just because you can.

God is Faithful

I prepped for speaking at chapel today; I added things, cut things and changed things throughout the process.  I recognized areas I could have done better in at the last minute with no hope of change. Yet, last night as I was thinking and praying through what I would say, interceding for God to work I paused and realized that God is faithful.
He heard my every prayer throughout the process and He is faithful to grow and build up the Body of Christ and answer prayers that desire to exult His name. I realized that He would work and that it would truly be Him working in and through me and nothing about myself... because He is faithful.
I love these little nuggets; learning just a little bit more about God through experience in stepping out in faith. God is so faithful to use what you surrender to Him. He is so faithful to hear and answer prayers. And He is so faithful day in, day out drawing me to Himself and showering mercies upon me. What a joy to serve a faithful God.

God is at Work

This week has been a little long - preparing for classes, preparing for grad/sem stuff, and making mistakes have been some of the adventures the week has held. Yet in it all I can say one thing: God is at work. He is constantly at work drawing me to himself against the cry of the busyness and need to get things done. He has been at work quieting my heart and reminding me of His love. The Holy Spirit has been at work prompting me with words or restraining them at various times.
I love it because it's not about me. At all. God desires His glory to be known; He desires first for me to know His love, beauty and glory and rest in it. He wants me to take that knowledge and assurance and to spread it to the ends of the earth or simply to my neighbor. But it's not about the fact that I am doing it by any means. It is the fact that God is working. He is on the move and I am so excited to see Him move this next year.

Daily Humility

I often think of humility in grand terms; as being in an incredibly hard situation where you are wronged and then having to go and apologize to the one who wronged you or needing to hold one's tongue, or something of that vain.

I usually forget that humility is part of our daily lives; it is being honest with God, ourselves and others about our talents and limitations. But especially limitations because we are not God and do not have infinite strength and resources. I have seen the need for humility for aging gracefully; of being able to recognize and say when one cannot do something that in one's youth was so easy. I have seen the need of humility when sickness or pain hurts - not in whining that one cannot accomplish something but in graciously stepping aside so another may do what you cannot.

And I have seen the need for humility in recognizing basic, human mistakes (like sending the wrong information out to one's professors). Are there times when God will call us to humble ourselves in ways that greatly stretch us? Undoubtedly. However, the greater call is to walk in daily dependence and need of Him, recognizing and owning our mistakes, and relying on His grace to carry us through.

A Simple Sinner

I got to the end of yesterday and was feeling sort of "blah." Not that anything today was horrible or overwhelming, I just felt I had talked too much, not listened well, given advice when it was unneeded, interrupted others, been selfish and self-centered in some interactions, and not given God the glory when it was due. I came face to face with the fact that I sin. Regularly. God needs to change me from the inside out. He does not simply need to change my actions, but my attitudes and desires.
I sat down and talked with God about this - with all the ways I felt like I failed Him; wondering why He was leading me to a place of leadership where some of these things will become so much more visible and apparent.
His grace quieted me. He reminded me that He still uses me - regardless of my attitude and behavior, He in His infinite grace and wisdom can still work in and through me. And you. It is truly and totally not about me (or you), but about God working in His infinite glory to display Himself. My hope and prayer is that He may increase and I decrease; that He will continue to grow me and that His light may shine through me in bright and visible ways and I think not of myself, but of Him and His glory. But on those days when I feel absolutely down and out, may I ever remember that His grace is greater than all else and may I rest in His lovingkindness.

Specific Prayer

This past summer I started being more intentional with my prayers in terms of asking for/about specific things. I will often pray for generalities - humility, wisdom and courage have been my theme recently. But I started wandering into the "Lord, I really want to see this done." I was amazed to see the results.
First and simplest was that I found a chiropractor up in the DC area that met the specifications I was looking for without much trouble. After praying for some quality interactions with my family, God clearly granted it. I had specific opportunities to share the gospel that were also asked for. I asked a woman to enter a mentor me - I suspected she would say no due to the busyness of her schedule, but asked anyways. I prayed that she would have peace and wisdom in the decision (mostly peace to say no). However, she agreed, letting me know she was leaning towards saying no but had no peace about it. I felt that a clear indication of God at work.
To top it all off, I was beginning to get a little discouraged in one of my hobby/pursuits. I felt like it was a little pointless and I told God I really didn't want to continue with it unless it was actually helpful to others. I asked Him to please make it clear and to confirm if I should go forward or stay still. I was overwhelmed by how He sent people to confirm and encourage me in this area. It's simply amazing.
So with all that I wonder why I do not pray specific prayers more often. I think there is a false belief that God does not really care about these little things; that I should be able to handle those aspects of life on my own. But God desires to work in every aspect of our lives; we just need to invite Him. May we be challenged to pray bigger, bolder, specific prayers for His glory... and may we remember to thank Him and give Him the glory and praise through it all.

Best Friends and Idolatry

When I was little I remember reading books with best friends and secretly wishing I had a best friend as depicted in the book - someone who was always around when you needed them, who you could fight with and make up, and would always say just the right thing at the right time. I read books about animals (horses mostly) and wondered if having a horse would give that quiet satisfaction of giving you everything you needed when you needed it. In later years Hollywood promoted a "soulmate" as being that ultimate fulfillment, as being your ultimate "best friend."
This sense and desire for a "best friend" pops up from time to time in my heart as if I have that relationship then everything else - all the other mean people, hard circumstances, etc. - will be ok because I'll have that person.
Out of this I've grown to dislike the term "best friend." One of the things I've seen over the years is that God has blessed me with a some amazing friends (plural) - friends who bless me at different times, in different ways and no one person has been responsible for all the blessing or help I've received and needed over the years (nor do I think one person could ever provide it).
But I think my biggest problem with the thought of a "best friend" is that if I had one person designated as this I would put too much hope and reliance on that person instead of God. It is easy for me to create idols in my heart, to elevate something good that God has given me and crave the gift above God the Giver. God is so good to bless us with the gift of friends may we learn to love one another openly, honestly, and out of the fullness of God's love for us recognizing God as the ultimate life giver.

On Having Fun (or the lack of it)

I am often bad at having fun, at least with "grown ups" I am. This past summer I got to goof off with "my" kids and it was great - I was reminded of how much of a goof I like to be, of how much awe and wonder can be found in humming birds and homemade ice cream, and how much fun building a fort with blankets and cushions can be.
Towards the end of the summer over a conversation with a friend I was reminded of the importance of having fun and that got me thinking. I chose to be a nanny after coming back from Indonesia because I wanted to keep the joyful, childhood spark alive in my heart and mind. After a year of seminary and being around "grown ups" I think I've forgotten how important fun and awe are. I will often mentally categorize "fun"things as less holy and choose instead to put my mind to serious pursuits.
Yet, having fun fills me with joy; it reminds me of God's wonderful creation and the joy that He desires us to have. So a big goal for me of the year: have more fun and increase my joy.

Owning Strengths and Weaknesses

I struggle to embrace some aspects of who I am. Case in point: I am a planner (Myers-Briggs language: I am a J). I like to make lists, think through how to get things done, and do them. In fact, I have already started knitting Christmas presents. Yes, I am thinking of Christmas in August.
I struggle because there are many people who don't plan as I do, who look at me like I'm really over prepared (which I often am) and a little crazy (again, often am). So I suppress it. I try to relax and let things go more. Don't get me wrong - being super uptight about one's plans and holding onto them tightly is NOT a good thing. But planning is not bad.
As I was knitting the thought hit me that God had to have a lot of things planned out for Christ to come when He did, as He did. A lot of planning went into Christ's ministry on earth. Yes, there was a lot of flexibility, but there were certain plans in place, too.
With that thought I was convicted of trying to suppress who God's created me to be - trying to be more like some mythical "other" who is more "holy" in some way then I am. I forget that God specially made me (and you) to reflect an aspect of who He is - no one (except Christ) fully displays His character, so I must strive to fully embrace the strengths God has given me, recognize the weakness, and lean on His grace and the Body of Christ to fill in the gaps.

Willing to Cry

The other day I got news that my friend had just experienced a loss. I basically ignored it and the implications. I assumed I'd have time to deal with it later - to let her know I was sorry and to share a kind word. I didn't want to take the  to enter into her pain, to be sorrowful yet always rejoicing (2 Cor. 6:10).
It took an email a few days later for me to stop and cry for her, with her. It took me getting out of my world which was very self-focused, to realize that she was in pain and that I could enter into it with her - I could recognize it, mourn with her, cry with her and pray with/for her. It changed my outlook and sympathy for her when I let my guard down and got out of the world. But I had to be willing.
It is a scary thing to be willing to cry and to enter into another's pain. It often brings up past pain and almost always brings up questions about God's goodness and love. But I have confidence that my God is bigger. While I do not love the tears, questions or pain that comes, I do love my friends. As part of the Body of Christ when they hurt. May God give me the grace and courage to experience their pain, extend grace, and trust Him fully with it all.

~~Pause~~

Sometimes God calls you to be still. I think he does this with me more often then I listen. I love to do things - to be busy, to get things done. Now there is definitely a good level of activity to be maintained to keep from laziness, but I will often bring it to an extreme. And often, I will forget to stop for what is most important.
Case in point - the other day I sat down to work on what I'll say in chapel. I flipped open to Philippians and got my commentaries around me. I looked at what I had done and felt at a total loss. I absolutely could not figure anything out, nothing seemed to go together. I left feeling frustrated and generally irked. Later, when I spent time with Jesus I told him that...
The next day I realized that it would probably be much better to spend time with Jesus before sorting through the Bible about what to say in chapel. So I did and it made a world of difference. Let me quickly point out how ridiculous it is to try to do things FOR God before spending time WITH God; moment over.
It always humors me how quickly I forget who God is and what He wants with me. He is powerful and active in my life today and He wants all of me. When I forget His present power I rely on myself and not give Him my all.
So even as the busyness sweeps in, pausing for time with Jesus - to give him my all - needs to be first and foremost on my mind.