(Not) Escaping Myself (part 2)

I got to spend time with Sarah and Matthew today (the kids I nannied for before going to seminary). They were starting to bicker and I found myself praying "wisdom, grace and humility." That was my constant prayer as I worked with them as a nanny. I wanted wisdom to know what to do when they were fighting, grace from God for myself (and to show to them) in all situations, and humility so that I would not respond to them with anger.

The thing that really struck me is that those things are almost identical to what I pray for in my leadership now, specifically - wisdom, courage and humility. I caught my breath in realizing that my time with Sarah and Matthew God grew my understanding of my need for him, his work, and his power for my life and that has overflowed into my time as a leader. It's also encouraging to recognize that what was developed then is continuing in now.

Do I escape my bad habits by changing location? No. But do the little things God has grown in me also follow me to new places? By God's grace, yes. What we do with the small things and those quiet, waiting, "in between times" God displays for his glory as he gives more opportunities to serve.

Escaping Myself (?)

I got to Maryland today and was ready to rest, unwind and relax. Yet something was bugging me in the back of my head - mainly, my "to do" list. I had not written it down and I wanted to be able to see everything I planned to do. Once I wrote it down, though, it didn't help. I realized I had too many people to see and work to do to do it all AND get some rest.
This is a theme with me; I over-schedule myself. I lean towards not feeling of worth unless I am busy. PLUS, I really don't like saying no to people and or activities.
I find it amusing, though, to see that I simply expect a change of circumstances to change the heart and core of who I am. I thought that getting away from CIU would slow me down. Nope. I feel this is normal - we try to change things around us to slow down, stop a bad habit (sin), etc. when often the change of circumstance more clearly exposes one's sin. I've heard this is especially true in marriage - so for all singles who think marriage will fix that something, it won't. It'll only more clearly expose it.
I have no hope but to come before God with this all through prayer to ask him for grace and courage to say no - no to others and no to myself. To repent of the belief that I can do it all, and to accept the limits he has in place - including the need for rest.
As I see God for who he is and accept the reality of who I am (and my limits) maybe then I can have a restful and joyful break... and Spring semester.

A Hard Ending

This last semester's finish was hard and I feel like over the last few days I have been coming out of a tailspin. As I have been able to unwind myself and gain perspective,  I was hit by a few hard facts:
- It is easy to get busy and cease to be present with people. I found myself running around with a mental checklist and forgetting the importance of stopping and being fully present with people. Was a lot accomplished? By the world's standard's, yes; but God wants hearts full of worship and ready to love all those who are around well.
- Sin and spiritual warfare hit more heavily during these times. I was amazed at the fear (more on that later) that started to show its face and how easily distracted and discouraged I was. Little things set me off as they shouldn't and my reactions were a little irrational.
- I let things slide - things like organizing and planning and practical planning for anything after the day got pushed to the back burner as I focused on one day at a time (needful, but often not very helpful).
In all this, I am so thankful for God's grace and the Body of Christ, I could not have made it through the last few weeks without other people's encouragement and prayers. Thankfully there are seasons - these times when the things overwhelm, but also times of rest. My prayer is that I would truly enjoy the season of rest and be fully prepared for all God has next semester.

Someone Prayed

This last week has been long on many fronts - I was involved with the planning of many activities, finished up some assignments, tried to maintain a personal life and have been dealing with a lot of deep-rooted fear that has come to the surface. Earlier this evening I sent out my prayer update to those who have committed to regularly pray for me as I serve this year on GLC, spent some time with Jesus, and was about to go to bed still somewhat befuddled and stressed.
I lay down and proceeded to have a conversation with Jesus (I find myself having more and more... sometimes repeating the same topics) about the past week and some of the big current stressors - my frustrations and fears. As I talked frankly with God, he gave me perspective and love. It surprised me. It had been something I have been seeking the past few days, yet had not been able to grasp hold of. As the perspective kicked in and God's peace descended this thought hit me: someone prayed. I have been coming to God on my own about these issues, yet with the prayer of others added God came and met me.
I quickly forget that I am part of a body; that I am not meant to do this on my own. America promotes that lone-ranger mentality - pull yourself up and manage. Yet being part of the Body of Christ forbids that thought. Others can join in my suffering and I can join in theirs (1 Cor. 12:26); we can walk with one another through prayer. So thank you to all those who have prayed and are praying for me... and if you ever want me to join you in prayer, I'd be privileged.

Surprises

Today getting ready for chapel I was excited. I felt like a little kid getting ready to pull off a big surprise that I knew would delight the grown ups. And it did. The chapel was amazing - it was so great to get to surprise and honor the professors who have poured so much time, effort and energy into our lives. So great to see the body of Christ, the grad/sem students here at CIU, coming together for such an event and in such a way to honor the professors.
As I finished the day, cleaned up and started to unwind I realized that God likely has that feeling. He watches me run around, doing the same routine day in and day out, yet in the middle of my day he sometimes just likes to drop a delightful surprise in my lap. I often forget that God is a good heavenly Father who likes to give good gifts (Matt. 7:11) until I have the opportunity of bestowing a gift on another and recognize anew the expression of love and pure delight in bringing a smile to the face of another.
I hope I learn to be bold in seeking God's gifts and just as bold in graciously giving to others.

Needing More Grace

I do poorly accepting God's grace. Let's just say this is a theme in my life. I struggle to work at and earn God's love and approval. When I fail (aka sin) I feel a terrible, terrible distance from him. I feel as if my world will fall apart until I can do enough, be good enough so that he will again love and accept me.

This past week I messed up - "sinned" would be the theological term. I beat myself up and have desperately tried to make accounts with God and the person I hurt. But today, while I was in church it hit me - I need God's grace. 

I know this is so simple and so basic, but I need to come back to this repeatedly. Regardless of how I've grown in my relationship with God, it is never, EVER about what I do or how "good" I am. It is truly and fully about him and the outflow of his grace. He pours it out so abundantly and is so willing to forgive, so why do I seek to make things right? 

I must surrender my belief in my own goodness, realize that I am and will always be in need of his grace and accept from him all he has to offer at every stage of my life and walk. Only then will I be able to allow his grace to pour out of my life onto others. It will never be about me.

Does God Cry With You?

Do you believe in an empathetic and loving God? I have internalized this concept that God is not empathetic. Let me explain - when I am in pain either physically or emotionally, I more often then not envision God standing far off and going "Tsk, tsk, tsk. You should have known better then to allow that to happen."  I know conceptually that it does not make sense, but that's how I often feel. I feel this heavy weight of expectation - if I was better, if I had been more careful, if SOMETHING, then I wouldn't be experiencing this pain.
I woke up this morning frustrated as my back had been bugging me a good deal last night and honestly, when that happens I tend to say "screw it" and have a few bad habits that kick in that do nothing to help the situation. I started to kick myself a bit this morning and then this thought struck me - God was sad with me last night; Jesus sympathizes with my weakness (Heb. 4:15).
I think the beauty of celebrating Christmas is this very fact - the God of the whole universe chose to come down suffer, struggle, experience pain so that we would see and know that he lived what we've lived. He truly can sympathize with us and all our pain and heartache - regardless of it being self-inflicted or other inflicted. He's here with us and willing to cry with us if we let him.