Selfish Love

Yesterday, I was brought face-to-face with the selfish nature of my love.
Magnus was having a rough day and I was REALLY irritated with him. I kept asking God what I should do and he kept responding "Love him." So I would go over and say something nice... and then add "but, I still think you're wrong" or some such phrasing. This happened three times. Three - I am a slow learner at times.
Finally, God started working on my heart  - he continued to tell me to love Magnus, but he also gently pointing out that telling him I love him "but" isn't really any sort of love. It's me being selfish, it's me wanting him to change before I am kind to him as opposed to laying aside my needs and wants and simply loving and serving him where he's at, as he is. God gently asked if I could love him - as he is - for the next week, month, year? I was struck by the selfishness of my love at that moment, and realized that I have been called to love and serve my husband, regardless of his mood, and that's what I needed to do.
I repented before the Lord and sought to walk in love (though not perfectly).
What I love about the Lord's work in this situation - within an hour God had gently convicted Magnus and his attitude did a 180.
God is so good - he loves us selflessly, and I know that learning to love as he does will be a life long process.

Living in Denial

I keep looking at the calendar and mentally acknowledging the countdown until the end of the semester. But what I fail to do is emotionally deal with the fact that I will be done with school. I keep telling myself that I'm not really done because I have an internship left... but really, at the end of the semester for all practical purposes, I'm done.
I'm in denial because I feel like I don't really know what's "next." I'm married. I have an internship set up... but I still am not sure what good my degree will come in, and that's frustrating, honestly. So, denial has cropped up.
When I face the reality that I am done, leaving, and moving on a mixture of emotions come up. Some excitement to see what God will do, but mostly fear and uncertainty because I still feel somewhat confused in the midst of it all. Fear likes to paralyze me and cause me to doubt God. It takes work to focus on God and the truth of who he is.
But in that work - in the midst of that battle - is where I find peace. I think back to what God did to get me here. I think back to his faithfulness in directing my steps along the way - of introducing Magnus and I and guiding us. And as I focus on who God is and what he's done... the fear slowly melts and trust begins to grow.
My hope and prayer is that trust will grow these last four weeks over and above the fear and that God will continue to prove himself faithful as he has through my walk with him.

Four More Weeks

The reality of school ending hits me sporadically. I say sporadically because there are those moments when I get sad about leaving the familiar and get freaked out about the lack of job options for when I finish here - but these are only moments.
Mostly, I'm focused on making it through the next four weeks - finishing classes well, continuing to navigate this whole marriage thing, and trying to manage the part-time job I currently have.
When I look out, I don't know what's next. I don't know what God's going to do, how He's going to move, but that so much reminds me of when I came here - I had no idea of the degree I was going to get or how I'd manage to make it through.
Yet here I am, on the other side, about to get a degree. Facing similar questions and the same God.
I'm just very thankful that God is the same - he is still trustworthy, good, reliable, faithful - so I do not need to worry, but simply continue to walk in obedience.

On Womanhood, the church, and the Bible (research and current - Part 4)

Then there’s my own biblical research – my grappling through deacons (which I believe has biblical support to be women. See Marshall's International Critical Commentary: The Pastoral Epistles) and sorting through 1 Timothy 2:11-15 and realizing that wow, there is SOLID biblical support to translate “authority” as “domineering” and so interpret that passage to address a specific group of women who were teaching in a domineering way and Paul’s basically saying “stop that!” I point you to Belleville’s  Teaching and Usurping Authority: 1 Timothy 2:11-15 and Towner’s The New International Commentary on the New Testament: The Letters to Timothy and Titus. Many more sources may be pointed to for a more complementarian view. I do not deny that as a source of interpretation, I'd only like to point out that a more egalitarian view also has valid ground.

So, my stance stance on women in leadership positions has changed. I could see a women teaching a man in a non-domineering way and that being biblical. I’ve done it (I believe). I would say to the egalitarians, though, that I do still lean towards wanting a male senior pastor as I believe that the husband is the head/authority of the wife and that it helps to see it lived out in the church. But this is no longer a make-or-break issue for me.

That’s where I stand, but I’m not yet done growing, I’m not done processing. I’m still learning, maturing, changing. And it’s still an emotional issue for me. But one thing I know – the American church is in desperate need of more godly, non-domineering, female leaders in its ranks! It can be easy for me to see this view and hold this view tight - even forcing it when it shouldn't be forced. In all the differing views, I think there needs to be a stronger dose of love and humility. Whatever side we fall on, we must be prepared to be winning and winsome and remember to let love rule all - for we still desperately need unity and love within the body of Christ.

On Womanhood, the church, and the Bible (Final Semester - Part 3)

Now – this final semester these old issues have come up. Part of it, I believe is that I’m in a Pastoral Epistles class so, of course, we have to deal with the issue of women in the church. I just finished writing a paper on the roles and responsibilities of women as seen in 1 & 2 Timothy and Titus. I am also facing this reality – the evangelical American church can be a challenging place for a woman to find her place, especially if she feels called into the ministry.  I have been frustrated, and my heart has continued to hurt over the matter… and I’ve been seeking to sort through it biblically. I have some thoughts jotted down, but nothing is set yet. I have a feeling that it will continue to be a process.

My first question to those who hold to a complementarian mindset is this – if the church is to be the household of God (1 Timothy 3:15), where are all the mothers? In the leadership of complementarian churches, the mother's role is often lacking. This feels "off." I feel like I can't quite place my finger on it, but one of my friends made the astute observation that if we are to truly "complement" the men, where is the space for us to do that?

My second question to complementarians is this – is it really biblical to deny women from being pastors? This has more to do with looking at gifts (Ephesians 4:11-12, Romans 12:4-8, 1 Cor. 12:28), functions, and office (1 Timothy 3:1-34, Titus 1:5-9). God gifts people how he wills – nowhere in the gifts section does it restrain certain gifts to certain people. The answer may come that the pastor is to be an elder (what complementarians view as a biblical restriction to the office), but my question would be – is the job requiring it, or your wording of the job (biblical or cultural)? Is there a problem with having a women “Spiritual Formations” pastor, missions pastor, family pastor, executive pastor, etc. provided it wasn’t worded that they function as an elder (and that she would have proper authority over her)? 

These are just some of what I've been grappling through with the complementarian perspective and wondering how much one's culture shapes and dictates our expression of our theology.

On Womanhood, the church, and the Bible (Seminary - Part 2)

God brought me (single) to seminary. I remember the first two semesters that this whole concept of women in ministry was bubbling underneath my soul. God continued to grow and reveal various gifts he had given me – leadership, administration, teaching – these seemed like gifts the whole body could use, but why (still) the restrictions? My first year I was also face-to-face with my insecurities in the issue – me, lead? Me, dare to use this for the WHOLE body of Christ? Dare to call myself a leader? Dare to dream that God has something more in store for me then “just” to be married and help my husband in ministry?

I was so excited as the opportunity to serve as president for the student body came up – so excited to use and grow in the gifts God had given me. I started to learn contentment as a single woman – I realized that God’s value and worth of me has nothing to do with a man, that he can and WILL use me and the gifts he has given me without a husband to “serve alongside” in ministry. I felt confident and courageous – the “how” of working it all out didn’t seem to matter as much.

(Side note – imagine that mindset and meeting and dating my future husband? There were several moments of frustration between me and God as I asked him why I really needed a husband).

My second year felt like such a sweet spot – meeting my husband, serving in a leadership capacity, having a leadership class with a male egalitarian professor, and meeting with a godly, feisty older woman who challenged my thinking on leadership and complementarianism. “Egalitarian” no longer was a dirty, “unbiblical” word.

I felt God was providing safety and continually reminding me “Be who I made you to be!” It was sweet and precious. I felt supported. The practicality of everything disappeared and the fear melted. If God could use me there, he could provide another place and time to continue to use me.

*A note about my husband – I was (and am) continually shocked and blessed by his support and encouragement to me to be who I am. To be bold, courageous, challenging, and a leader (though he still does lead me). It is so freeing having a husband who views and treats me as a capable equal.

On Womanhood, the church, and the Bible (Part 1 – Background)

~~~~~This will be a four-part series (at least) dealing with some of the issues I've face as a woman contemplating ministry~~~~~

I grew up in complementarian churches, meaning I could not imagine a women being a pastor, much less an elder of a church. In fact, I remember thinking how “unbiblical” it would be for a woman to hold one of those positions. In high school the church I was going to had a women’s minister/counselor and a female children’s director. I thought this was really neat as there were practical things women could do in the church on staff. I struggled with this desire to serve in ministry, and tried to fit it into what I saw and experienced which was, frankly, quite narrow.

My notion of women’s role within the church was quite staunchly complementarian – we were to support our husbands and join in the ministry they were doing... right? This would need to happen in the realm of marriage, of course. But then something happened. I got out of college and was still single. I wanted to serve God, but I didn't have a husband to join with. Now what?

After spending some time overseas I saw that the possibilities there seemed larger for a women – there wasn’t really a role for “elder” and women seemed to do a lot more without being “unbiblical.” This drew me to some extent – there was greater need and greater ability to serve (even single!).

A lot of this mindset stayed with me as I entered seminary. I struggled with this “biblical” concept of womanhood and how it was to look, and what it was to mean to me, a woman. One of the biggest struggles I continue to face is that it is emotional – it tears me apart as I so desire to stay true to Scripture, yet how is that going to look as a woman? Especially (when I entered seminary), as a single woman? What was I supposed to study? What was my ministry going to look like as I am a woman? And why did this feel like more of a struggle then the men were facing?

And so, the journey (and struggle) would continue within seminary...