Destroying Secrets

I have never fully realized the power a secret has, until I told Magnus one. In Magnus' and my relationship something had happened that I had kept hidden from him - embarrassment and shame grabbed hold of me and I wanted to hide the truth. I wanted to pretend that it didn't impact anyone but me.

So I continued in that belief - falling more in love with him and journeying with him. But as the semester ended and I had more time to sit before God the secret came to my mind more and more. I didn't really want to tell him. I knew I would have to at some point... but not now.

The day my friend called and encouraged me (see this post), that afternoon I finally broke down and told him. He asked how long I had kept it from him and why I hadn't come to him sooner. Fear and shame were my only answers. It was then that I realized that this secret had trapped me and kept me from him, and from God. 

I didn't even realize the devil's lie - that it was too shameful, that I was to blame, that I should be able to handle it on my own - until telling Magnus. As soon as it came to the light, there was a sense of relief and freedom. What had separated us was gone, God was free to work between us to bring healing.

He will, I'm confident of this, because that's what his word promises (James 5:16). God is bigger then the fears that haunt us, and what comes from the darkness into the light no longer had power over us.

Greener Grass

In the midst of a conversation with Magnus today he pointed out that an upcoming situation I was looking forward to would have some challenges. He wasn't being mean about it or critical, but honest as to the blessings and challenges. I was taken aback as I realized that I had been looking to that circumstance and the ease and relief it would bring and hadn't considered any challenges. I was looking to it as a "absolute." Simply, an idol.
I make things, people, or situations an idol so often it seems ridiculous. Yet here is a case where I did it again. I was looking for a change in circumstances to ease some of my fears and alleviate some of my stress as opposed to turning FIRST to God for those things. To be honest - a change in circumstances can alleviate stress and remove fear. But I was looking to them as opposed to God for the help.
It startled me at the ease with which I make things - good things - an idol. It is so much easier to hold onto the tangible things here and believe they will bring relief and comfort as opposed to first looking to God.
May we learn to look to God first and trust him to work in and through all the circumstances - good and bad - in our lives that he may grow us and make us evermore like his son.

Pride in Serving

I started a new job this week (praise the Lord for his provision) working with an elderly couple. To be honest, I came into the job a little proud. I was so thankful that God had provided the job, but I also realized the opportunity I had to serve and bless the couple I would be working with.
I came in thinking of all I had to offer - with a heart to serve, but not a heart to receive. How God has convicted me in this short time!
In this short week I have come to be amazed at the couple I am working with. They have had to be moved to their children's house and have done so with humility - not demanding of their children but allowing their children to serve them. They receive me and my offers of help with love and humility; they willingly accept the help I offer without a hint of resentment at the state of their condition.
All this I realized the first day or two. What I didn't realize until today was the legacy they've left. You see, for years they served as professors at CIU and the CIU alumni ministries asked people for notes to send to them. I spent time reading some of those notes today and realized that they've left a legacy and have impacted hundreds, if not thousands, of people's lives.
And they're graciously receiving my service. Today, I realized that I was just one more person they would minister to through the power of Christ.
And it hit me: do I realize that I can learn and be ministered to by ANY Christian (child, adult, elderly) or do I regulate to just the "special" Christians such as my pastor or known speakers?
Do I recognize that I will always have more to learn from others - that God will always have something to teach me through those around me - or am I only there to show my greatness and give?
Yikes. Surprising how pride can show up even in the act of "serving."

God Loves Me, Even When I'm Mad

I woke up this morning a little mad at God. Yeah, I know it's not P.C., but it's how I was feeling. I spent time in prayer ending with a frustrated "help me." Ten or so minutes after that a friend called. A friend I haven't talked to in months who's on a different time zone - so while it was 9:30am here, it was 3:30am where she was. She told me simply God had placed me on her heart and asked how I was doing.
I just about broke down. I felt like God heard my cry and decided to answer it through my friend. I shared briefly with my friend how I was doing (not well) and she encouraged me, comforted me, and exhorted me.
She reminded me of the truth that nothing can separate me from God's love (Romans 8:38-39). She also called out some of my sin (perfectionism) and said what I feel so many friends have told me - I need rest.
After I got off the phone I was just astounded at how God moved. God, in his great love for me, placed a burden for me on the heart of a friend. He then gave her wisdom and insight to listen to me well, discern what was going on and then speak truth into my life. God loves me, and he chose to express that love through the body of Christ.
I am thankful for God's great love for me. I am still processing what my friend shared, my anger at God, and the fact that God "bothered" someone else for me, but am in thankful amazement at God's love.

More Than a Dress

I have gotten somewhat swept up in the wedding planning. I say somewhat because I was distracted by school and am just coming out of that. But the wedding planning - I have enjoyed being on pinterest and searching through ideas and finding various websites to search for wedding dresses. Somewhere in the process I got this concept about finding "the perfect" dress. I have this thought and vision of the style and so have been looking and looking, thinking I'd find "the one."
Yet, it hasn't happened. Somewhere in the midst of it all I made the dress an ultimate thing - I don't know how or when, but I did. And God had to remind me that it's not about the dress. Honestly, I think Magnus could care what sort of dress I wore walking down the aisle. I may be concerned with what I look like in front of everyone, but that will not be the focal point. For Magnus I, not the dress, will be his focal point.
I think I do that with Jesus, too. I get really concerned and worried about getting gussied up for him. I get concerned with how I'm doing my quiet times, if I'm doing enough "service," or other "Christiany" things so that I'll look good - have a pretty white dress.
Yet it is never about the outfit for Jesus, it's always about me. I don't quite get it - but God cares more about me, about who I am and my heart for him then he does about all the activities I'm doing. He'd rather me spend a day delighting in him then a day trying to win his favor by doing many good and noble deeds. What an awesome God we serve.

Do you have a theology of friendship?

I don't know if I do yet. I mentioned that Mark Driscoll's sermon sparked that thought for me. More specifically, he referenced Jesus' relationships as a basis for evaluating our relationships/friendships.
Jesus had the three friends - Peter, James and John - which were deep, intimate friends. He allowed them places others were not allowed (like bringing him with him to heal Jairus' daughter in Luke 8), asked for much of them (like staying close to him the final hours before his trial and crucifixion), and showed them more (Elijah and Moses). He also told Peter that he was saying things of Satan - when's the last time you told a GOOD, DEAR friend that they were saying something of Satan?
Jesus also had the twelve, the seventy, and the crowds. The bottom line of Driscoll is that Jesus was not, on earth, super close with everyone. He loved everyone, yes, but was not bosom buddies with all.
So why do we try to be? We have facebook which classifies everyone as a "friend." Often, we have a broad meaning of friendship that encompasses many more people and makes the friendships much more shallow. There is a difference between loving others as brothers and sisters and committing to being their friend - I believe that friendship calls for a deeper and sturdier commitment.
But that's just me, and this is very much in process. But I'd like to challenge you - how do you define a friend or the concept of friendship? How do you know if someone is a friend as opposed to an acquaintance?

Whining to God

I was spending my lunch yesterday with Jesus and getting ticked mostly because it's been awhile since I've felt the Holy Spirit speak to me and the last times he did I was NOT being still and waiting (as Psalm 37:7a encourages us to do), I was whining and complaining. So, there I was, trying to be still before the Lord so that he would respond - note that YES I was trying to manipulate God by doing something so he would respond. Not good. Anyways, as I was attempting to be quiet before the Lord I started complaining, bugging him about speaking to me and wondering why it was ONLY when I complained.
The response I got? "Because that's when you're honest." It surprised me, and let me clearly say that this is not Bible truth, this is about my relationship with Jesus and the sins of my heart. But the value that God places on honesty surprised me. But that's how David was in the Psalms, right? He would complain, moan, and be honest... yet always turn back to God.
Now, I'm not advocating or saying that you will get a response if you complain to God. But I think God, in his grace, mercy and relationship with me realizes that when I am yelling and complaining I'm quite frustrated and determined. At that point, for me, I tend to grab on and beg, holding nothing back and being honest about the fact that I want a response and all pretense of me being good, kind, and worthy of a response is gone. Case in point - my prayer to God about wanting to know who my future husband is was an irritated cry of frustration, not a loving plea.
My prayer yesterday - an irritated, frustrated laying aside of all pretense at holiness and complaining. God knows me inside out and out of his grace, will often speak to me at my whiniest to reveal that it is truly a his grace to me, and nothing of my own.
Praise the Lord for his grace and his personal care for me.

Random Thoughts

The past two weeks I've been dealing with back pain, finishing finals and transitioning from my leadership role. All that to say, my time and energy has been diverted elsewhere, hence no blogs (don't know how much they're really missed, though).
Some thoughts I've had the past two weeks...
- Do I (you) have a good theology of friendship? - Thanks to Mark Driscoll for this question.
- How many of my actions are really based on Phil. 2:3-4 - to do nothing out of selfish ambition?
- What big picture things have God been teaching me this past year?
- How can I cultivate a heart of stillness before the Lord?
- How I can continue to cultivate a heart to deal with the tension of waiting?
- How can I better rejoice with those who are rejoicing?

More on these later... for now, one more day and finals will be done. Praise the Lord!