The Journey of Forgiveness (Have I failed to Forgive if it hurts again?)

I like to think of forgiveness as a one-time deal - I go through the steps of identifying the sin, make the choice to forgive, and I'm done. I have discovered that this is not always the case. When I've forgiven people for big-deal items (such as forgiving an authority in my life for treating me poorly while in a very vulnerable position) I'm surprised that in the future, when hit with a similar situation the old feelings come up. All the anger, hurt, and fear is there. It does not feel forgiven.
I was reading in Tramp for the Lord by Corrie ten Boom and she wrote about the same thing happening to her. She said she had to remember where she stood before the Lord - she had taken ground in forgiving and the enemy was attacking and trying to move her back, but she must stand firm (Eph. 6).
I liked that comment. I also liked when a friend said that so often when hit with a new situation that stirs up old feelings it means that we are at a place to recognize the deeper level of pain and hurt and come to a deeper place of forgiveness. Will the choice to forgive still stand when we recognize this?
So forgiveness, while in a way a one time deal (the choice must remain solid), in a large way is not. It is  quite normal if old feelings well up again, it is all about how we handle them once they do. We must be faithful to God as we forgive others, even if (and when) the pain is deeper then we expect. We must recognize the large amount we have forgiven, and then extend that forgiveness to others.

One Year Ago

I've been thinking a lot about last year. It's funny the changes that can take place and amazing to see how God can work.
One year ago I was annoyed that this guy (Magnus) liked me. I was excited about serving on GLC and not really wanting to date. At the time I had no thought I would date, much less marry, him. It was amazing to see God work in my and his heart over the span of a few weeks to bring us to the point of dating.
This may seem a small thing, but looking back at where I was last year at this time and where I am now... wow. In Magnus, God answered prayers I have prayed for years for my future husband and God has blessed me immensely in the relationship. God showed himself faithful, kind, patient, and generous through the answer of these prayers. He did not work as I wanted, but worked in better ways for both Magnus and I.
I need to look back from time to time as I face the realities of life and the trials before me. I need to remember God's character and he is the same God who answered those prayers and the prayers of the mighty men of old. I am about to enter another semester at seminary and while I know much of what will be ahead, there are still so many uncertainties. Regardless of what we're hoping and expecting, it is such a blessing to know that God knows it all, is with us through it all, and has our wholeness (not necessarily our easiest) in mind?
We serve a mighty, faithful God. Let us seek to be encouraged by our own, and other's, stories of faith.

The Journey of Forgiveness (The Choice to Forgive)

After going through all the reasons why I do not LIKE to forgive and realize that forgiveness is actually needed, I come to a place of decision - do I choose to forgive, do I ignore it, or do I choose to hold it against the person? I much prefer the ignoring it option. Often, when I'm at the point of realizing I need to forgive the person I think "oh crap, I don't want to forgive!" There are no soft and pretty emotions there. There is pain, hurt, fear and frustration. Yet, there is also an awareness that I must come before God with this.
What does Jesus say? When Peter asked how many times must you forgive, Christ's answer was we need to forgive someone a lot (Matthew 18:21-22).
It's not fun to deal with hurt and it's not fun to deal with forgiveness because we often don't feel like it. This is a situation where I believe that Christ will often require obedience before granting feelings. Does it still hurt? Yes. Is it still painful? Yes. Does it feel like that person is "getting away with it"? Yes. But can we trust God? Can we choose to surrender our will and desire to him?
Whenever the option is before me I know it's more about obedience then anything else. God has revealed my need to forgive (or my sin of unforgiveness) and my choice is to follow him or to disobey.
Often after making the choice to forgive I feel free and released - I feel closer to God and often his peace will well up in my heart. This state does not last indefinitely, but it encourages me, sustains me, and reminds me of God's pleasure in obedience.
Whether or not we feel like forgiving is not truly the issue, whether we can trust God and his word and walk in obedience is the issue we must face.

The Journey of Forgiveness (Why I don't like to forgive)

Forgiveness is a terribly hard topic to tackle... and it is not my favorite thing to engage in. Today as I was processing and talking to God I realized that I needed to take steps of forgiveness towards people who had hurt me.

Before going there, let me first explain why I don't like to deal with forgiveness:

1) I have to admit I've been hurt, really hurt. I don't know why, but it seems so humiliating to me to be so hurt by someone that I have to actually FORGIVE them. Why can't I "shrug it off" or "let it go"? When I come to the place where I realize I must forgive them, I have to admit that I've let them in and that they have hurt me. I have not been able to protect myself or stay strong.

2) I have to release them from paying me back. So often, I'll be hurt and hope that a look in my eye, the right timed words, etc. may cause the person to wither in guilt for what they've done to me (yes, I am over-dramatic at times). But, honestly, when has THAT ever happened? When I start processing forgiveness, I have to start realizing that I am releasing them from making up the wrong, I will not hold it over their heads and begrudge them for it (this does not mean I have to trust them fully, but that's another issue).

3) I may have to confront them (Matthew 18:15-20). This is not the case ALL the time, but sometimes the hurt is lodged deep enough, your process it before God enough, that you come to the place where you realize you need to humbly come before the person and confront them. It feels very weak and vulnerable to let someone know that they've hurt me, and it is also intimidating if I do not know them well as I do not know how they will respond. But this is what God calls for, and I am ALWAYS just so amazed when the person responds in humility and care. What a blessing and what wonderful reconciliation that can occur!

So those are the reasons I don't like to forgive. Forgiveness, I've discovered, is a journey. The first step is often recognizing that it needs to take place. May we learn to face this with boldness and humility and walk the path that God has before us.

What kind of God do you pray to?

Our perception of God comes out in interesting places. I think part of that comes out in our prayer and the way we pray, whether or not we believe in a loving, caring, specific God as evidenced in our prayers - as in, do we ask God for specifics? This, of course, has to be cautioned with needing a heart that is truly seeking God and our own desires.
But the question and challenge still remains - when we pray do we ask God for specifics or generalities? Do we want God to "bless so and so" or do we ask that God grow them in peace? Do we ask God to "help the missionary" or do we ask for their health, walk with God, opportunities to share the gospel, etc.? I believe most of us lean towards the vague. It's easier to believe in a God who does the general then who does the specific, it's safer. It's safer to come before God and not expect him to interfere with our daily lives, but just be nice to us and help us when we need it.
Part of the reason it's safer is because then when we ask for specific things that are outside God's will, and God does not give them to us, we are not tested - our sinful attitudes are not revealed, we can keep our true thoughts and beliefs hidden.
As we learn to turn over our sinful thoughts and attitudes to God something else amazing happens - he is glorified in our prayers. He is glorified because our thoughts turn to his thoughts (making us more like him) and through the specific answers he gives to our request.
We do serve a God who cares for us, let us not forget and not grow weary of seeking him in prayer.

Unrealized Dreams (Part 2)

As I've read through the responses, and contemplated a little more of this "unrealized dream" God has reminded me of something important that I like to ignore when I get nostalgic about the past: I wouldn't change a thing.
Let me explain - first, I've realized that giving up swimming was an act of obedience. I clearly felt as if it was something I needed to turn over to God and let him choose whether or not to give it back. Yes, God is the giver of good gifts and many of those are to be used to his glory, but he also often asks for sacrifice. When Elijah called Elisha to replace him as a prophet in Israel, sacrifice was involved (1 Kings 12:12-20). Regardless of God's gifting, I have to trust him that when he says something, that is the best. There is no better path.
Second, in giving up swimming and following as God leads I know him better. This is partly because of the initial obedience, but it's much more so because of the path that he has led me since I gave up swimming. He led me on a path where I learned of suffering. It is said that Christ learned obedience through suffering (Hebrews 5:8) and I don't think I would have learned of God as I have without this suffering. Knowing and delighting in God is far better then to continue in a gifting he has given me.
Third, I believe my heavenly reward will be greater. I believe through God's sovereign directing, he has provided me more opportunities of Matthew 6:19-21:
“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
I want my treasure, my delight, to be in Christ, my Lord, and nothing else. I often fail here. I often (especially when seeing earthly glory) get caught up in what could have been, in what could have been beautiful on this earth. God, by his grace, constantly brings me back to his heart, to his perspective - it's truly about him and his glory. Taking the path where I allow some earthly dreams to be unrealized, I believe that my time (eternity!!) in heaven will be sweeter then if I had lived this life focused on my wants and needs.
Learning to live with open hands - that God may give and take away - is challenging, but nothing could be better then learning to know him more and delight in him forever.

Unrealized Dreams

The summer Olympics always make me nostalgic. I swam all through high school, at my highpoint making the Olympic trials in 2000; so when the Olympics role around I watch and when I see former swimmer-friends compete, I have a twinge of desire of wanting to be there. I wanted to be an Olympian, I wanted to compete at the top, yet as shoulder problems started to plague me and I began to seek the Lord in what he wanted for me, I felt that swimming was something I needed to give up.
The fact that it was a real, and in my mind, tangible dream made it harder to give up. There's half of me that understands God leading me to open my hands on something I was grasping too tightly, but then there's the part that says "Couldn't I have learned to use it for Christ?" The answer: I must trust God.
I think surrendered, unrealized dreams have to be one of the biggest sore spots when it comes to trusting God. I wonder if that's why Abram, when promised to be made a "great nation" (Genesis 12:2) when he was 75, feeling forgotten by God went on to have Ishmael 11 years later (Genesis 16:16). He was experiencing an unrealized dream.
So how do we handle it? If I was holding onto the glory of swimming over the glory of God then there could have been nothing better for God to do then to take swimming away from me, painful as it may seem. Even if I wasn't, even if my attitude was right before the Lord it takes faith, trust, and belief to let go of my plans, my schedules, my scheming and to truly say "It's yours - every part, all you ask, all you give, is yours to do with as you wish."
May God grow that heart in each of us as we encounter unrealized, shattered, castaway dreams.