Last spring God brought me face to face with the reality that I was looking for a husband and holding that ideal of a relationship as something to"obtain" - i.e. once spiritual enough, it would happen. It was (one of) my idol. My heart was in hoping that as I grew and matured God would finally reward me.
I questioned God's wisdom in keeping me single so long, questioned if God was really good enough to allow this desire to continue for so long without being fulfilled. Well, I questioned those, but maybe not worded like that. They sounded like - Why am I still single? Did I miss something? Should I have done something different? I want to be married, is that a wrong desire? How am I to continue to look at ministry and grow my giftings if I really want to be married?
God also convicted me of loving my brothers in Christ poorly, of too often looking at them as a potential spouse as opposed to as a brother to freely love and encourage.
Through all this, the one thing I was thrown back to was what do I believe about God? My questioning my singleness was, at the heart, honestly a question of who God is. I began to learn that God's goodness does not rest on what he gives, but on who he is; my understanding of his love and grace matured.
I also began to learn what it means to be content where I am (see this blog post), and realize that the gift of marriage is just that - a gift to be freely bestowed in his timing, in his way regardless of my own efforts.
I'm at a slightly different season now, yet I still question God (it sounds different, that's all). Regardless of where I am or where I will be I have to come back to this - do I really believe God is ALL of who he says he is and will do all he's promised? Do I really believe God is in control, knows my heart, and has brought me to such a time and place as this?
May our hearts be firmly planted in the truth and ready to accept all God has for us; believing in his goodness and wisdom.
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