The Beauty of History

Friday I took Matthew to the Natural History Museum. It was his choice. Sarah was on a day-long bike ride with her grandfather. I'm not the biggest fan of the Natural History Museum primarily because it forces me to think... a lot. If you have not been there, it is awesome, but try going with a 9 year old who has already been learning about evolution and talking with him honestly about the evolution/creation/Biblical perspectives. Ummm, tiring. Last year I brought Sarah and Matthew and I refused to go through the Hall of Human Origins with them. This time I went with Matthew - one 9 year old is easier then a 6 and 8 year old.
And we talked. Every time there was a reference to evolution, we talked (I'm sure this was NOT his favorite part). But it was good. We talked about the reliability of the Bible, about science, about knowing what can be known and leaving the unknown.
I love these conversations. I can't tell you how much I love them. To be able to talk with him, challenge him and help him challenge what he's been taught. It gives me hope and reminds me some of why God brought me into their lives (though I know I will not fully know and see this for years... maybe not until heaven).
It also reminded me of the more basic fact that I absolutely LOVED being a nanny, especially the summer. Getting to interact that closely with children, share your life with them, pray over them, have FUN with them in that way is precious and such a blessing.
I get all nostalgic and idealistic thinking over it, though. It was amazing, but God has something better in store for me - can I believe it? So while I love history, I must always remember to keep my eyes on God and my hope and heart firmly planted in Him and on the good he has in store for me.

Insecurity

I was sitting in Starbucks today reading "So Long Insecurity"  by Beth Moore. If Beth Moore can boldly announce it, then I figure I can too. I struggle with insecurity.
This hit me like a wave in March during World Christian Week. Something about planning that week and going through that process stirred up a lot, and in that stirring God showed that there was much that I did not believe about the truth of who He says I am. It surprised me to see how deeply the insecurity went, yet freeing to admit it. God is growing me out of this, I know it will take time, but He is faithful.
The interesting is that insecurity can come in all shapes and sizes and can be masked in strange ways - Beth Moore attests to this in her book. I don't feel alone in realizing that I'm not the only one who is walking around struggling with this, and that some others mask it in different ways.
I guess it's part of recognizing and confessing sins - it no longer has that deep, dark hold on you that staying quiet about it did. With eyes on God and a growing understanding of who I am in Him and what He says about me, I know God will continue to grow me in security of who I am in Him - regardless of the world around me.

Single and Content (?)

I grew up hearing from so many people that once you are "content" with being single then God will provide you with a spouse. I've been told that once you stop looking, then God will bring that person into your life, but you have to get to that point where you're not thinking about it or looking for someone.
Here's my deal - I want to be married. I really can't think of an extended period of time where there hasn't been this desire. I feel absolutely vulnerable in admitting that because, as I said, I have always gotten this sense that once you're "content in Jesus" then this desire will go away.
I'd like to challenge that concept. I was thinking of Paul's comment in Philippians 4 about learning to be content... and then about getting along with "humble means" and "going hungry."
My thought - contentment may not be about denying or ignoring one's desire, but accepting where you're at and not depending on a spouse for one's happiness. And that's what I've started to realize more and more - started to realize that where I am is God's gift to me for this time. Yes, I still do desire to be married and have a family, but God has brought me to this stage of my life for a reason and He wants to bless and use me as I am. I hope and pray to continue to keep my eyes on God and accept the gift He has given me, yet not be scared of(or deny) the fact that yes, I would love to be married.

Children, Progress and Discipleship

After feeling so helpless with Sarah and Matthew the other day I spent more time praying and reflecting over some of the things I had tried to teach them. I thought through their ages and stages and things I could have done differently.
Anyways, yesterday I went in and decided that we needed to spend time reading the Bible together. It was great to sit down and read some of Daniel and talk through some of what it meant to obey God above others, especially when doing it with the prospect of punishment.
Today I talked with them about spending time with Jesus, not me reading to them, but them choosing a way to spend time with Jesus (reading, writing, drawing, talking). Matthew chose to read and Sarah drew a wonderful picture. It fit them both perfectly and they both seemed to grasp the concept.
My hope and prayer is that they will continue this... but that will be up to them. This reminds me of how followers of Christ must be taught to grow and own their relationship with Christ. You can't keep people reliant on you, they must learn to rely solely on Christ. It takes time to step back and re-evaluate where people are at and what they need to best love, serve and encourage them in their growth in Christ.
As a side, I was also happy because Sarah and Matthew had much better attitudes the past two days :)

Helpless

Today was the third day I spent with Sarah and Matthew. I'll be with them the rest of the week. It's been so good to be back with them - to remind them of my love and care for them and to hear of their commitment to never forget me.
In a way, it feels like I haven't left. I've gotten to do my favorite activity with them, read :)

Yet, there is something that feels decidedly different about being back in their life. They have grown and changed. They have also started bickering. It made my heart sad to listen to their fight. It seemed absolutely pointless and it felt impossible to stop. I did not really know who (if either) to reprimand.
Let me tell you, I don't think anything could make me feel more helpless then having these two (whom I love dearly) bicker as they did. It was a good kick in the pants for me. I can't control them; they are God's. And no matter how cool, calm and collected I may seem to grownups, there are still some kids who can shake me to the core and remind me of my utter helplessness before God.

The Middle of the Battle

I started listening to an audio book by Joni Erickson Tada, A Place of Healing, and was amazed as she started the book saying "I'm writing in the middle of my battle with chronic pain." Her courage to write honestly in the middle of her pain and struggle took my breath away. I couldn't listen to the book long because it brought me to tears. Her brutal honesty, doubts and fears and how some of those so deeply resonated with my heart. I haven't turned on the book again. I haven't had the heart for it. But I admire her courage.
I know that though she's writing in the midst of pain and the middle of brokenness she has hope. I know that through it all, regardless, she will continue to walk forward with faith that God will do all He has promised.
But I also bet that sometimes she'll doubt. I do. Yesterday, I was driving to see "my" kids (more on that later) and in the midst of traffic (yes, I'm back in DC) I realized I was ticked at God. I felt really annoyed because it was something I qualified as "petty." But the anger/frustration was still there.
One day I can spend deep, rich time with Jesus and this issue will not come up yet the next day something may trigger it. Trigger doubts, anger and frustration. Which leaves me ticked at God which I don't really like because, well, God is right and I sometimes feel it is pointless to fight with Him. But I did.
He reminded me He loves me and wants to be with me, even when I'm mad at Him. My life hasn't ended. Battles still rage, but like Joni (in a small, small way) I will continue to walk forward in faith and trust that God keeps His promises and that He is who He says He is. Even in the middle of the battle.

Is the grass greener?

We talked about singleness in my young adult’s group last night. It made me laugh a little as I just blogged about it. One of the questions that came up was what is the greener grass that you are jealous of the “other side.” There were no married people at the table so us singles talked about our perceptions.

I’ve heard married women say they are envious of single women’s freedom. I alluded to that in my last post about speaking about the opportunities that I’m involved in, the ways in which I can minister, and the mobility that I have,

For me, the “greener grass” I see in marriage is the growing friendship and intimacy. The simple joy of having someone to be with you through all the various adventures, who you can truly, wholly and fully share every aspect of your life with. I don’t know how idealistic that is. I may have too high a standard, and I’m definitely aware that once I’m married (Lord willing) that will not magically happen, but it will grow over time. But I guess it’s something about the joy of that being able to grow over time that excites me.... and that sometimes my heart simply longs for.

I know that marriage will not hold all I expect – it will be different, harder and better then I can imagine. But I know that in God’s timing, in His way He will bring me together with my husband for the advancement of His kingdom. 

Single and Mobile

I traveled today. I've been traveling a lot this summer. Today I came to Maryland where I will remain the rest of the summer. In the traveling this summer I have been reminded of a few things.
One of these things is that being single is a gift, and a gift that I am learning to appreciate more and more. Being able to go from one friend's to another and spending time hanging out with friends is not something that could be as easily done if married; especially picking up my stuff and coming and staying most of the summer at my parents. Just thinking through the things I will be involved with at CIU next year and the simple fact that I am able to attend CIU all point to me to the wonderful flexibility I have being single. I am so thankful that God gives good gifts. Being single now is not a second class status, but is something that I can enjoy and fully use for God's glory.
Is there some struggle in this all? You better believe it. It is not always fun to feel so mobile. It is not always fun to be on car rides to these places by myself. And honestly, I would love to be married. But to focus on the negative seems so petty.
God has given me this good gift of being single, may I use it to the fullest for His glory.

The Daily Grace of God

I like to see God work in my daily life. As in, every day. I know, this may sound strange to some people, but it's true. I like to have those moments where I go "Wow, God knew just what I needed today and provided" in terms of the "little things" in life. Today was like that. Some sweet time with friends and an unexpected visit did it. There was just something in those times that ministered sweetly to my heart, and at that moment I was just deeply reminded that God knows all my wants, needs and desires and He meets me where I'm at. It's not always in the way or manner I expect, but He knows and He cares about the "little things."
And being able to see that in my day-to-day life blesses my heart and reminds me of His goodness, love and grace.

Goodness of God

These past two days I have been in Atlanta with Proskuneo at their Praise and Worship Institute. It's been so great to have the opportunity to be ministered to by them and have time to rest in God's presence.
What I was surprised to absorb over this time is the clear reminder of God's goodness towards me and his desire to give me GOOD gifts. Not to give me what I want or think would be good for me, but to give me truly good gifts - gifts that will bless me as I could not imagine, gifts that will draw me closer to him, gifts that will be used for his glory. I shy away from thinking of this as I feel that asking for things that I would like from God is very selfish (let me be honest, several times my motives are selfish). But something in these past two days - some of the Scripture read (James 4:1-2 and 1 John 3:21-22), the moments of worship, the extended times with my Father - called to me to ask. So I took a deep breath and asked God for that which has been on my heart (I've prayed about it, but not for it).
I asked and pleaded that it only be so that His kingdom would advance and not that the gift may become an idol (an easy thing to do with God's gifts to me).
I don't know what God's answer will be. And part of me doesn't really care if the answer is "yes" or "no" because I know this - God is good. He will not withhold anything good from me. If this will be to the advancement of the kingdom he will surely bless me with it. If not, He will graciously withhold it so that I do not make the thing more important than God and so I am not hampered in the work He has before me. Realizing His goodness and learning to trust it is a blessedly freeing thing causing me to ask boldly, yet with such confidence in the goodness of God as not to worry about His response.
May my heart and eyes stay focused on God and rest in His goodness.

Allergy and Sin

Ok, so if you don't know by now here's the deal: I have a crazy food allergy. I'm allergic to something called nightshade. The symptoms for this allergy started manifesting in January 2009 and I was diagnosed in January 2010. It's a "type 2" allergy which means it's technically an intolerance - my body has had so much of it in my system that it can no longer tolerate it. Nightshade, in its pure form is a poison but is found in things like tomatoes, potatoes, peppers, eggplant and nicotine. Do you know how many foods have that in it? I do. And it's an insane amount.
One of the ways the allergy manifests itself is that it causes inflammation to my joints which will cause severe pain. It was a blessing, then, to find out about the allergy as eliminating the food eliminated much of the pain I was experiencing.
One of the questions I get a lot with the allergy is do I miss the foods I can't eat. My honest answer is no, I don't miss the foods. I think if you understood the pain that these things caused and realized that when I look at or think of those foods I think of poison entering my body then it's more understandable.
But, this led me to think of sin. You see, when you become a Christian or are growing in Christ God convicts you of a sin. When this happens, I often am so abhorred by the impact it has had on me and others that considering doing it again is ridiculous. Why would you want to do something that has so poisoned you or your relationships with others? Fleeing the sin seems the only logical option.
There are also those moments when I am presented with a sin (or food) that I know I should not have. Sometimes I do not resist, and I can often see how it impacts me within hours.
So do I miss those foods? No. And hopefully and prayerfully, as I grow in Christ he will cause me to be more aware of those things which are poisoning my souls so that I can surrender them to him and choose the freedom, health, and liberty he offers.

Creating

The need to create burns within me from time to time. It does not necessarily express itself through artistic endeavors such as painting or sculpting, but through pressing need to write. To use my mind in this different way, not simply taking in information but forming together words, thoughts and ideas and putting that onto paper (or a computer).
I think the process of creation and the desire for it is a beautiful thing. It reflects so much of God's majesty in that He is the ultimate creator and we are able to mirror that (in a small way) through our creations. He does not want us to be bored or passive in life, but to express our desires, thoughts, and ideas through creation.
For me, there is still fear in the creation process. I still have doubts about whether it is worth it or if I am simply wasting my time. Yet in and through this all, I need to stop focusing so much on the result. I need to learn to sit before God, enjoy his presence, and enjoy the act of creating something. God can and will use it as He chooses.

Pursuit

There is just something that warms the heart when you get an email, text or call from a friend saying "I was thinking of you and wanted to say hi" or "I thought of you and prayed for you today" or even "Let's get together." It just puts a smile on your face - I'm loved, cared for, others want to be around me.
I forget that this is true of God. I will often go to my times with Him and go through the motions. Or even if I'm not going through the motions, it will often feel like this may be something I need or want and may not necessarily matter to Him that much. I know this is not proper thinking, but that's what happens.
A while ago I had about 40 minutes to kill before I needed to leave for a meeting. I was irked because it was an awkward amount of time and I just wanted to talk with someone for a bit. I was getting a bit testy, which was not good for me and definitely would not have been good for anyone I was meeting with. After a few minutes of self-pity I had this quite urge of "Spend time with Me." I quieted for a minute and realized that in this amount of time God wanted to come close and spend time with me. He wanted me to spend time with Him. He was pursuing me.
The thing is, He is pursuing me. When I get up in the morning and spend time with Him, it is Him drawing as much as me going. It is his delight to be with me and I forget that all too often. How much different would my normal, daily life be if I viewed myself as being pursued by God? Of realizing he is truly jealous for me - for my time and affections?
May I learn to live in the truth of God's constant desire to be with Him - for Him to be my all in all and greatest delight.