How I Know (Part Two)

In part one of "how I know" I share how God told me Magnus is the one I am to marry. Yet, if there were not many other traits I have seen as true in Magnus' life I would greatly question what I believed to be God's words to me (my understanding is not absolute). The following are further confirmation of "how I know":
In Magnus I have seen a delight in me. I know that sounds silly, but he gets so excited and happy to see me I feel as if it's how God would react to seeing me. Like I am precious and worth rejoicing over. This was especially evident early in the dating process.
I see in him a heart to serve. He told me early on that he desires to serve me and this has proved absolutely true. He desires to encourage and build me up and wants to help me in any way possible - emptying the trash and doing the dishes unasked are just some of the small things I've seen.
He has a teachable spirit. We've had conflict. I've been hurt by him (and I've hurt him), yet when I talk with him about it he truly wants to hear me. If he's done something wrong he will admit it and apologize. He never minimizes my feelings or disregards a concern I have, but seriously considers them and if it is something wrong on his part will allow God to search him and convict him.
He is willing to suffer with me (see Loving Sacrifice).
And he prays. Oh how he prays, and how he prayed for me before we started dating!
These all relate to his trajectory - how he is following Jesus (not where he is currently) - that give me hope, peace and assurance that I can trust him and know that in the years to come he will continue to follow hard after Jesus first and foremost.
So those, among other things, are some of the confirmations I have seen in him that have clearly confirmed the "He's the one" I heard and confirmed the prayers I have prayed for my future husband.
As a side note, here are some of the things I have consistently prayed: Heart for prayer/the nations, teachable, understand suffering, one-woman man, a heart for the Lord.

How I Know (Part One)

You may not believe this, but I did not really want to date Magnus when we first started dating. Well, not just Magnus. I didn't really want to date. I came out of my first year of seminary with God recognizing my need to be content in Him alone (for more, see Where's My Heart At?). So I came into the semester looking forward to serving.
But I quickly found out that this boy liked me (a friend let it slip). I was ticked. I didn't want to deal with a silly boy who I was CONVINCED was just going to flirt and play around and not really straight-up have a talk with me letting me know he liked me. I was also convinced that if he ever did get up the courage I'd simply shut him down. He was a dogmatic pentecostal and I had no plans on getting involved with someone like that.
He finally asked to meet with me on a Monday (thanks to another friend telling him he needed to) and I went expecting to shut him down. It didn't quite work like that. I gave him clear reasons I why I didn't think it would work and let him know I had no plans on dating until after the retreat (in about three weeks), but told him I would pray. That was my mistake.
I spent time that week praying - mostly frustrated with God because I wanted him to shut it down and wanted him to tell me no, but he didn't. As I prayed that week and prepared to talk with him later that week (Magnus asked to talk through some of my concerns on Friday) God started making a few things clear.
First, I had made up a prayer card and been praying weekly for my future husband since September 2010 and I felt God telling me that Magnus had the characteristics I have been praying for in a husband. I was saying "Oh crap" a whole lot when I realized that. Dang, I had to give the boy a chance.
Second, God started to show me that I had set up the time table for when I wanted to date, so that time after the retreat was not of him. Again, "oh crap" and processing that this may happen sooner.
Third, God reminded me of what he told me last Spring. I had met Magnus in April when he was out running and I was out for a walk with a friend. This was after I had processed a lot of the contentedness with single and hearing God's "no" in regards to certain guys. I had prayed a frustrated prayer of "God, please just TELL me when I meet the man who is to be my husband!" After I met Magnus and started walking away, the Holy Spirit said "He's the one." I had ignored it because I really didn't believe that crazy guy I had just met was someone worth considering, but after Magnus talked with me and as I prayed God reminded me of what he told me and affirmed that yes, God told me who I am to marry.
And that's (part of) how I know Magnus is the one God has for me.

Lent (continued)

It continues to be Lent and I have continued to not give up anything. Yet, God is still challenging me to give up different false beliefs I hold.
Workaholic tendencies hit me today. You see, starting this semester I've had work piled on that I didn't expect and when I got the extra work completed my parents then came into town. Wonderful to have them here, but it kept me busy. So I've maintained that busyness and focus on my work.
This week on the phone with a friend I made the comment that I just needed a good book to read or something to do for myself. I felt a little guilty saying this - I should be staying on top of my work, right? She decided to send me the book I mentioned (The Huger Games) which I started to read this weekend. As I sat in church this morning and thought about getting back so I could read more, I realized God was reminding me of the importance of having fun, of being a whole person. I get so focused on work and achievement that I minimize the importance of having fun.
But God created fun. Giving up fun denies the fullness of who I am created to be and focuses in on my own work and reveals that I believe I must be doing the work and denies the fact that God is the one who ultimately works all things to His glory. I must give up my workaholic tendency and recognize that God has made me to worship him in my fun as well as my work (do all for his glory, 1 Cor. 10:31).

Lent

Today is Ash Wednesday and it marks the beginning of Lent. For the past three or four years I have observed Lent - taken this season as a time to join in the suffering of Christ and prepare my heart for the joyful celebration of Easter by fasting from something.
But not this year. This year the time sped towards Lent and I was scrambling, trying to keep track of what is going on in my life and barely able to contemplate anything else. I come to this season without a clear sense of what to give (if anything). It sort of stinks, to be honest, and makes me feel like a bit of a failure for not being as on top of everything as I "should" be.
Yet, guilt/failure is not meant to be the theme of this season; fasting and giving up of things is. Again, I don't know what (or if) I will give up anything, but I do know God is calling me to give up the guilt, to give up the false expectations of myself, to throw them all down at the cross and look to Christ as my all in all.
At this point, my pride is what is suffering, and that's a really good thing to give up. As Lent continues and I look towards Easter and the joyful celebration to come it will be great to see how God continues to move to prepare my heart.

Scapegoat

I was sitting down, waiting for Magnus to come over to pray and getting irritated. Not at anything in specific, but at things in general. I was ready to just let it all out on Magnus; getting pissy and what not. Before Magnus got here though I spent time with Jesus and was convicted. I need to let Jesus have it first and foremost before letting that overflow on anyone else.
As God created me, I am to love, minister and build up those around me. Does that mean I can't have a bad day from time to time and talk things through with someone? Of course not, I'm part of the Body of Christ and part of that is allowing others to console me. But what that does mean is that I should not harbor all those feelings and be prepared to blurt them all out on someone without bringing them to Jesus first. He is to be the one who receives and gives me grace above all else, from there I can truly love those around me whether in sharing my troubles or in the love he grants to overflow to others.

Loving Sacrifice

Yesterday was my first Valentine's with a boyfriend. Magnus outdid himself in making me feel loved, cared for, and spoiled. I was a little nervous about dinner as he kept where we were going a surprise. With my food allergies it makes me a little nervous to go out to a place I don't know. He let me know that he had gone to talk with the staff and tell them about my food allergies and make sure I could eat the food there, which made me feel better.
We arrived at the Melting Pot - a wonderful fondue place. I had the combination excitement and nerves as I stared at the menu and had to systematically go through and cut out a bunch of the sauces they serve the main course with. The waitress then looked at Magnus and asked if she wanted those brought out for him. He quickly responded - "No, I want to eat what she eats."
That struck deep. He does not HAVE to eat as I eat. However, in that moment I realized his willingness to surrender his rights and preferences for food is a great demonstration of his love for me. He joined me in my frustrating "suffering" of not having the freedom to eat what is easily available (and often much tastier) to eat some of the simpler foods that I'm restricted to.
It reminded of Philippians 2 - a very simple, practical emptying of himself and his rights for me. What a blessing.

Good or Bad Pain?

This past week my back was (still is) in pain. I was really discouraged until I realized that it is good pain. I know this concept may not be familiar with all, but how I learned of good pain was through swimming. When seeking to work the muscles, strengthen and improve I was told to push my body to the limit which hurts (as in, causes pain). But the only way to improve in time and ability was to push myself like this so my body would get familiar with that as a "normal" and then be able to improve even more. So my back (praise the Lord) is experiencing some of this strengthening pain, yet it had been so long since I have experienced pain of this sort that I just assumed it was bad.
What about emotionally or spiritually, though? Do we know the difference between "good" and "bad" emotional pain? That is, when something makes us uncomfortable do we assume it's bad and run from it, assume we deserve it and accept it, or evaluate it and act accordingly? We must not assume all pain is bad and run from it nor are we to assume that every painful interaction is our fault (two extremes on the continuum).
No, to grow and mature in Christ we must gain his perspective in our lives and interactions with others - including learning when pain is good and bad. We must open our hearts and allow God to search us (Psalms 139:23-24) and repent when sin is revealed. Yet, repentance is not easy; it requires allowing God to penetrate our hearts and surrendering the rights to thoughts, actions and beliefs and submitting them fully to him. It can be painful, but it is the good pain that must be regularly endured so that you can grow and stand firm in Christ.

Receiving Love (?)

True friendship is a valuable and risky. I was reminded today that a large part of love is speaking the truth to someone when they are in sin. On the flip side, a large part of allowing yourself to be loved, to opening up your heart and life to another, is being willing to receive these hard words that another may share with you.

This convicted me in regards to my view of love. I would much rather hold onto the feel-good perception that my loving my brothers and sisters in Christ involves making sure they understand their worth before God and encouraging them in the gifts that they have. Yet, this other side of love - this side of lovingly speaking into their life when a need is evident is hard, and I often do not think of it as love. 

Yet, Christ did not mince words that there is a cost in following him, that unless you abandon all you cannot be his, and that ultimately we are sinners and need to recognize that before coming to him. The Holy Spirit works to convict our hearts once we believe. Yet,  God has put us in a Body with people who are different then us so that we may learn from others and grow in our areas of weakness. 

He created us to need those hard words (if we didn't, we may grow proud); he loves us too much to leave us with our sins, hence the truth of Scripture and the Holy Spirit. Now, will we love others as he has loved us in speaking the truth when it is needed (with grace and humility)? More pointedly (and more important), are we willing to receive this sort of love from those around us?

Reviving from "blah"

The past few weeks I have been struggling with "blah" feelings towards God. I get angsty when I go through this because I'm not sure when (or if) it will end (I have a small view of God). I've been busy and tired and time with Jesus has felt more like a chore then anything else.
Yet, God is faithful. Today, I spent sweet time with Jesus. I had been reading through Ephesians and Ephesians 3:20 struck me, "Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us." Really, exceedingly abundantly? I don't really believe it, but that's the truth and power of Scripture.
God is at work to draw me to himself; it's not my work. I doubt him and his word frequently, but he is true, good and loving; he can take an ordinary day infuse it, allow the Holy Spirit to be stirred anew, and stick a verse in my head and challenge me to believe and hold onto it... even if I haven't felt super spiritual or close to God or that I've done anything to deserve it. But he's God. He does exceedingly abundantly above all we ask or think.