Random

After the long, crazy Thanksgiving week I am back to my "real life." Though it doesn't feel very real because in three weeks I'll have a semester break and will head back to the DC area. I am so in flux.
I drove back today and got in to see my apartment beautifully decked out for Christmas! Yay! With a blink of the eye the Christmas season is upon us. I don't know if I'm ready.
I'm really honestly just rambling right now. I don't have anything remarkable to share. Driving by oneself without a cell phone is NOT fun, so I think I'm overcompensating by rambling randomly. And I can. Because it's my blog. Ha!

Thankful for Family

This will be a little bit of a risky post because my family mostly (if not only) reads this. You see, families are challenging. I don't just mean my family specifically, but every family (in some big or small way).

Part of the huge challenge I've discovered is that I tend to regress when I go back to my family. I go back home and spend time with family and it is so easy for past hurt, pain and heartache to be stirred up. It's not even done intentionally, but sometimes there's just that trigger and I'm launched into the past without even realizing it - overreacting to things and blowing things out of proportion.

My tendency mostly with my family is to be a coward and to be insecure. Not that blogging helps the second AT ALL; I just feed it and assume that people who may be somewhat interested will actually read it. Ha.

Anyways, my cowardice mostly manifests itself in wanting to make people around me happy and pacified. Those who do not know me within my family may be surprised at this, but with my family I just don't want the conflict. Period. It takes guts for me to say what's really on my mine and to speak the truth... and then the heart-ache of the matter is I usually do it so harshly that it is not heard or received. I swing from one extreme to another.

The other issue, that of insecurity (which I dislike that term, but it seems so understandable) is nothing short of unbelief in God's truth. I cease to believe God's truth about who I am and who he has made me to be. I cease to believe that he loves me beyond my understanding and start to seek praise and approval from those around me. I get prideful and self-centered, seeking others approval; I brag about what I've done well and feel I talk about myself a lot. I'm yearning for some approval that I think will make me feel better, but will truly never satisfy because it's based on people and not on God.

Why am I saying all this? Because family is hard for everyone, regardless of how wonderful your family is.  God created the family with a purpose and a function - to teach us about sin and himself. And whatever states our families are in, they always challenge us to grow. They always reveal those sins that are anchored deep down, that we may not notice or reveal to friends, so they remind us of our imperfections, and of God's amazing grace.

That's why families are challenging, but that's why they are so good and such a blessing. They force us to recognize our sinfulness and to rely on God's grace and powerful in deeper and deeper ways.

Home and the Past

Going to the DC area always feels like "home" to me. I feel so blessed to have a place that feels like home, especially after meeting and getting to know so many TCKs and MKs. I love being able to see friends and family and just reconnect to where I was.

One of the things I have struggled with in looking at the past (where I was) and what I've done is that it can sometimes stir up a lot of emotions - good and bad. This is often overwhelming, but what God has really been reminding me is that I'm not done and that these emotions are normal; it's more about how I handle and deal with the emotions and the issues God reveals. It's easy for me to get really caught up in these old emotions, to run over everything that happened in the past and get stuck there. But I must strive to look at the past and remember what God has done and how he has healed me, yet know that he is always growing and teaching me and that I'm not done. Nor will I ever be. But God is good, and he will not cease to complete the work he has done.

My thanks and praise to my great God.

Our God is Bigger

Today I shared in chapel about my time in Indonesia. To say it was challenging to prepare for is an understatement. Every time I practiced sharing I would break down in tears. When I actually got up to share I not only broke down in tears, but was also visibly shaking (think paper in hand that could not be held still). I sort of felt bad for everyone who was watching and listening. But hey, it's life.
I think the most amazing and blessed thing that came out of this was to be able to see how God used it. I mean, my story from Indonesia is basically one of pain and suffering coupled with God's healing and restoration. I have seen how he has used my time in Indonesia and the pain and suffering to shape and grow me in such amazing ways, but to even imagine that he could use it to encourage and connect with other people... just astounds me. But that's what he did. God. Used. Me. He used my pain, hurt and heartache... and my utter honesty about it. I am so thankful for that. So thankful that my God chooses to use the hurt and broken parts in our lives for things greater than ourselves.
I guess I know what I'll be saying I'm thankful for this Thanksgiving :)

Holidays and Distractions

Today I ordered a Christmas gift. It made me cringe a little to order a gift this far before Christmas, but in reality I have already started making some Christmas gifts. In fact, I started back in September. Before Christmas, though, we celebrate Thanksgiving. In a week I will be on Thanksgiving break which I am very much looking forward to. The truth that Thanksgiving break is coming soon is not lost on our professors as they have been gracious in realizing that we do not want to do school work over the break, so they have assigned our papers due before the break. That means more work for us (me) to do now. Sigh.
The work I have to do SHOULD be occupying my thoughts and efforts, but sadly it is not. Since we are so close to the end of the semester I am looking more and more at what options I have for classes next semester, what I will do over my breaks (maybe study Hebrew?), and realizing that I am about 1/4 of the way through my degree. Wow.
I have also discovered that Facebook and blogging are great tools to distract oneself from the imminent school work.

Remembering Truth

So I sat down and wrote up a little post Friday and right before I was going to post it ended up deleting it. I know; people with more tech experience then I would have been able to resurrect it. But not I. And so I am left debating trying to retype what I wrote up before or deciding to move on to something different. Aren't you just at the edge of your seat listening to my internal monologue? Let's move on and say that it was not the time to post that thought. Life keeps moving forward. Right now I am trying to figure out my schedule for next semester and working to finish up the papers and projects of this semester.
Through all this I am constantly amazed at how God continually works in my life. He's convicted me of sin and reminded me of his love and grace. He is pursuing me and he won't stop. But that's not just true of me. He's pursuing everyone. I think I forget both of these. I forget that he is passionate in pursuing me and so do not realize that he is passionate about pursuing others.
I forget that he wants to extend grace to me and so forget that he's just as eager to extend grace to others. I especially forget this about those who do not believe the truth of the gospel. I forget that God has created me for an intimate love relationship with him as he has created everyone for an intimate love relationship with him.
I've realized that in order to share these truths I must truly believe them. If I expect others to be drawn to God's grace and truth, I must be drawn to them. If I expect other's to experience God's grace, I must not hammer myself with guilt or shame but humble myself and accept what God so freely offers to all.
Check out David Crowder Band's song "How He Loves" for a wonderful reminder.