One Month of Marriage

A few of the many things I have learned in the first month of marriage:

1. There are some sweet times to be had - it's wonderful to live with your best friend and not have to worry about him going home at night, just wonderful.

2. Change (and flexibility) is essential - it's hard to move in with a new person and adjust, no matter who it is (but who it is can make it so much better)

3. Praying while holding hands still rules - a friend recommended it a few years ago, and Magnus and I began to practice it early in our relationship, and I still love praying holding hands every night. I also love that we've added reading a daily devotional together.

4. Loving service is king - Magnus has demonstrated this numerous times as I've struggled with sickness over the past month. Regardless of anything else (personality, temperment, etc.), the fact that he is willing to selflessly serve me comforts my heart every day of the week.

5. Selfishness is deep (especially my own) - I've seen this in myself many times already as I've demanded my own way instead of considering his needs. And it's only been a month!

6. The Holy Spirit is with and in us - this counters the discouragement of the selfishness. The God of the universe is not just at work in me, but in Magnus... and he's at work drawing us together and teaching us to live out Scripture with one another. How cool is that?

I'm looking forward to many more months (and years) of continuing to learn and grow. I know I've barely scratched the surface of what marriage will teach us, and I know that God will continue to work in and between us in amazing and beautiful ways.

God's Restraining Hand

I have felt over the last week or so that God is holding me back from what I want. What I have mostly wanted is for answers. Now. 

A large part of that was in regards to my health, my ear really. My eardrum ruptured over the honeymoon and it did not fully heal on the way back. A doctor at a minute clinic told me I had a piece of cotton stuck in it. That irritated me, but I knew I had used a q-tip so thought that maybe it had gotten stuck. A nurse from our church tried to get it out; she tried real hard but it just did not work. 

The doctor at school looked at it, said he had an instrument at home that could get it out, but since he didn't bring it, that piece of cotton would have to stay. So, I was sent to an ear, nose, and throat specialist. 

Upon arriving, the doctor informed me it was a form of fungus, NOT a piece of cotton, that was in my ear.

I know that's a long story, but here's the deal: through it ALL I kept asking God why he couldn't allow this to be fixed a simpler way then a specialist. I asked why he couldn't have prompted that doctor to bring the tool. Why wasn't God working on my timetable, that was my real problem. 

After seeing the solution, I realized God was gently guiding me towards what I really needed - removal of a damaging substance in my ear. I did not need the quick and simple, but some deep and intentional work done.

It's the same with my heart. I so often am just longing for God to move at my speed, at my pace, in my way. I do not want to wait to see the real problem or the real solution. I want my answers NOW. 

But that's not how God works - he has the whole picture in view. He knows everything and he knows what I really need, not just what I think I need. 

May I be ever mindful to hold my plans in surrender before him and trust his leading and guiding, even if it takes longer then I would like.

What Doesn't Change

Last night I was reminded of one important element that does not change after you get married - your spiritual life. I'd been contemplating this notion some, realizing the importance of spending time with Jesus each day and how that helps me interact better with Magnus and all, but then last night happened.
See, last night we had some spiritual warfare. We were all ready for bed, and then Magnus made a comment. Something about the comment did not sit well with me. He did not sound totally like himself and that comment made me want to distance myself from him. I asked him a question and he answered it in a somewhat round about way, then asked me why I was asking.
I told him that I thought he was under attack. He paused at that.
I decided I needed to pray and rebuke whatever it was. So I did - prayed, out loud, rebuking a spirit, in the power of the name of Jesus. It can feel funny the first time you try it, but after you realize that we truly ARE in a spiritual battle, it doesn't seem so strange anymore.
There was a definite difference afterwards in our attitudes and interactions - the feeling of distance left, and Magnus felt more at peace.
I am so thankful that the war we wage is not of flesh and blood (Ephesians 6:12), and that God has equipped us so that we may stand (Ephesians 6:13-20).
May we continue to learn to stand strong in the face of trials, uncertainties, and fears and rely on God's abundant grace and mercy to sustain us.

Overflow of Forgiveness

I sat down to talk to Jesus the other day and realized the lengths I needed to forgive. There was a lot of things and people I needed to forgive – situations that had hurt me in which I had not processed and forgiven the person for it.

There’s a huge part of me, though, that does not like to forgive. I do not like to let people off the hook – to free them from their debt to me. It seems so easy to let it build up and have this “justifiable” anger within that boils out onto others.

Except, I don’t like myself like that. And it’s not at all biblical. I had been continually convicted of how I am to be gentle, kind, patient, tenderhearted with others. That was not me. That was not the overflow of my heart… so I knew something was wrong.

As I sat and processed with Jesus the various aspects of forgiveness that he was calling for, I realized that this was just one step towards freedom. I keep forgetting that while it is easy to hold onto un-forgiveness, it is freedom to forgive. It is hope, release, joy. It is stepping forward and surrendering everything to God and trusting that the judge of all the earth is right, that he will do right and will (if needed) avenge me. I need hold nothing against anyone. 

Besides, if we look at how much Christ has forgiven us, how small, pitiful, miniscule are these hurts that I have suffered?

The Long Haul

I love my husband dearly. I see Christ in my husband on a daily basis. But he is not Jesus; my husband still sins.
A few days ago when out, and experiencing some of this sinful behavior I got irked, frustrated, discouraged, and annoyed. Mind you, when Magnus sins, my response does not qualify me for sainthood. But still, I felt like he started it. And the discouragement when looking at this situation overwhelmed me because, well, he's really likely to do it again.
As I sat talking with Jesus about this situation - this situation which he has called me to in marriage to one who still sins - he reminded me of grace. I am not called to show grace in passing moments to my husband, but to show it to him over a lifetime. Just like Jesus shows me consistent, constant grace over my lifetime.
Magnus will not be miraculously changed overnight. But neither will I. And God's ok with that. He's called us to one another to learn, grow, and mature together... and to experience a deepening of love and grace as the years go by.

Marriage and Adjustments (Part Two)

The main aspect of adjusting to married life is learning to live with someone new. And he’s not just another roommate – he does not have his own room and me mine. We cannot just assume the other person will fend for themselves. We are put in a situation where we are inter-dependent. Sleep habits, eating habits, hygiene habits suddenly come in conflict with one another.

You want to go to bed at what time?

You’re hungry now? But dinner won’t be ready for half an hour.

Why’d you leave that there instead of putting it away?

All those nice things are just cropping up. What it calls for is grace. Marriage, really, is all about grace – all about seeing the other’s imperfections and loving and embracing them all the while. And the beginning portion of marriage calls for it in full. 

Yes, Magnus does things that annoy me (and I know I do things that drive him up the wall), but we must rely on grace above all. Not grace in and of ourselves, but grace dependent on the grace and forgiveness we receive from Christ. If we are not daily drawing grace and mercy from Christ, we have no hope to show such to one another.

So as we continue to adjust, may we continue to hold onto God’s grace and allow that to overflow to one another.

Married Life and Adjustments (Part 1)

Married life provides a lot of possible adjustments. I think the biggest adjustment, though, does not have to do so much with being married as in regards to where we live; more specifically, a place without internet.
It's been something of a challenge to go to a life without internet on constant demand - where I can't check email or facebook at will, where I cannot google information I do not know, or do random Bible searches. I have been so spoiled.
But one of the things I have LOVED about not having internet is that it has provided boundaries - suddenly I cannot check my email at 10pm and get one that irks me. Suddenly I can't solve problems immediately. It's hard, but good.
It's forcing me to realize that the world can (and will) continue without my response to an email. I have to learn to surrender some of my "want it done NOW" personality aspect and breath and wait. I don't like waiting.
I have to learn that the hour or two I do get on the internet will have to be enough.
God has set this time as a time with boundaries with the internet - a time where he is protecting me, Magnus, and these early stages of our relationship by removing the internet from our home and giving us more time to talk and connect. While I may get frustrated with this lack, I must learn to focus on God's work through this and trust that it is for our best.

Proper Perspective

I was an emotional bride. And I’ve felt entitled to a lot of those emotions. It’s one of the most stressful periods of your life preparing you for a day that will change the rest of your life. So what if I’m a little neurotic? And in that neurosis, through the process, I lost perspective on who God is and how he works; and now, I'm begging for God to restore it.

I believe he is slowly answering that prayer. Because, you see, the Scriptures provide perspective. Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, stand firm, be strong and courageous, God will work all things together for your good. These are all the perspective that I’ve so desperately needed, but have somehow let slip away. I haven't kept my focus on God's goodness and the work he is (and will do) through the engagement season, it’s been about me.

About my circumstances, my fits, my wants, my desires.

Let me say this in case you’ve missed – I maybe have NOT been the most fun person to be around this past semester. God has continued to be gracious and patient with me. He has continued to speak to me, to convict me, to pour out blessings upon me.

I in no way deserve this. According to the Bible, I deserve wrath, condemnation and judgement. Yet, God has set me free from condemnation… and not only that, he has provided for me in such abundant ways that I can say – I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil 4:13). This includes persecution, poverty, strained relationships, jobs, school work, and planning a wedding (and now, the first few months of marriage). But unless I sit in these truths, allow them to penetrate to my heart and soul… I will walk around with a poor perspective; a perspective riddled with worldly thinking, self-centeredness, and a god that is no God at all.

May God continue to draw me to the truth, and teach me those truths, and let them be hidden in my heart, that I may not sin against him (Psalm 119:11).

Dashed Expectations

Coming home from the honeymoon I was looking forward to opening the wedding gifts. My house was going to be a mess, several boxes left to unpack, we would be getting back from a four hour car ride… but the gifts were what I was looking forward to.

And they were not there.

For various reasons, after the wedding they made it to another house for safe keeping and not ours.

I was devastated. I know it’s silly – what does it matter to wait a little bit to open your gifts? – but I was. I just have such the mind set of structure and order that when my plans don’t go my way I can have a bit of a melt down.

I feel like the devil often knows my weak spots better then I do – he knew the amount of fatigue Magnus and I would be under, the stress of unpacking I would have to face, and he just decided to hit me in this weak spot. I have to confess, I did not handle it the best.

These “little things” are more spiritual warfare then I often will admit. It’s hard for me to stand firm, have grace, hope and love when I’m tired and exhausted. It’s hard for me to allow God to put things into perspective, surrender my will to his, and rejoice at all times (Phil. 4). It’s really hard.

But this is God’s calling. We are not to live defeated lives – allowing the circumstances to dictate our actions. We are to live firm and secure in the truth of God’s Word – putting on our armor and learning to advance in new territory.

May I continue to learn to live in surrender before my Lord and God.

Jesus is Better than Sex

Outside of getting sick, I enjoyed the honeymoon. Thoroughly enjoyed the honeymoon. It was fun, delightful, and sweet at so many times and in so many ways.

After Magnus and I consummated our relationship, we were out driving and talking – just sharing thoughts and feelings. My wonderful husband started to say something, then stopped, afraid it would offend me. I pressed him and he said, “Well, it’s just… nothing against you, but I’ve had better experiences with Jesus.” I smiled and agreed.

To reiterate – I thoroughly enjoyed my honeymoon. But I absolutely agree with my husband. Jesus offers so much more – I have had such intimate, personal encounters with God through my time knowing and following him that I can boldly say that sex dims in comparison to Jesus.

I don’t think I realized the influence of the culture on my thinking of sex because, for some reason, I thought that this would not be true. I thought that sex would be so amazing and sweet that it would blow away all else. It blew away a lot… but not Jesus.

He stands firm yesterday, today, and tomorrow. My first love. The one who made me – made me for marriage and brought Magnus into my life – has made me to have intimate, sweet, personal and deep relationship with him. A relationship which causes all else to dim in comparison.

Now – if we’ve been given these glimpses here on earth, how much more amazing will heaven be?