I think I don't realize how poor my theology is until I experience pain and then see how easily I get angry at Jesus. You see, I've suffered with chronic pain for the past two-plus years. It has gotten better over time, but each time I think I've found a way to alleviate the pain and it fails, or each time it gets worse after getting better for a bit, I get thrown for a loop.
I had been getting so much better over the past few months and had been greatly encouraged by this until the past three weeks where I had seemed to stall.
But Sunday was the last straw. I moved backwards. My back "went out" quicker then it has in ages and the pain increased. I was fuming and didn't quite know what to do with it. I talked with God a bit, but what can I say when I bring the same thing to him over and over again?
I saw myself getting selfish and self-protective. If there's any question where any of my love, grace or kindness comes from the answer is God alone. All I wanted to do was things that would adequately distract me from the pain - the physical pain, yes, but more so the emotional pain and hurt I was experiencing with my poor perception of what a loving God is and should do for me. I don't like talking with God when I'm mad at him. He always wins.
So I avoided really talking to God about why this was going on. I avoided the feelings of failure this produces so quickly within my soul - isn't there something I could be doing that could stop this? What did I do wrong? What did I do to cause this? Do I really deserve to have this continue? I avoided these questions and selfishly indulged myself with TV and some not-so-healthy food.
And there I sit, with the anger within my soul, the frustration of living with pain in a fallen world, and the absolute truth that God is good, gracious and loving.
I feel a little like Job - "Though he slay me I will hope in Him. Nevertheless I will argue my way before Him" (Job 13:15). I know the truths of who God is, but practically living them out is such a different matter, so I fight with him when I hit those hard times. Thankfully, God knows what I can handle and is willing to meet me where I am - even in my anger and pain.
I have no idea what this experience is like; nevertheless, I find this extremely encouraging, and I pray that God will redeem this suffering in awesome ways.
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