Sorrowful yet Rejoicing

I firmly believe that Americans, or at least myself, still do not have a good grip on the concept of "sorrowful yet always rejoicing "(2 Cor. 6:10a). I was reminded of this during my time up in DC because, well, I was in a way very much home.

I was back on my "turf" at my church, surrounded by a bunch of my friends, my old job, etc. Magnus got to see it all... but after he left I realized clearly that I really liked my single life, and while I love Magnus and feel called to marry him, I am going to miss my old life. Granted, I've been in South Carolina for the past two years, but a new realization that I would never be able to go back to my old life hit.

Let me say that it is hard to be engaged and at the same time have this tug and desire for the old, but I think it's very much part of the mourning process. Though I am rejoicing for what God has done in my relationship with Magnus and what he will continue to do... I am sorrowful over fully surrendering what I had. I'm mourning, in a way.

So "sorrowful yet always rejoicing" hit new meaning to me this past week - while great and joyful things can be happening in one's life, it is still ok to look back at what God has done and mourn over no longer having what was.

Make any sort of sense there? I don't think it's talked about much in the engagement/marriage process, but it's there - your life will never be the same. Mourn and rejoice.

Answered Prayer

In talking with Matthew about Felicity's prayer to be able to have her child early so she could die with her friends and then sharing the immediate answer of Felicity going into labor, Matthew said, "That doesn't happen."
"Yes it does," was my quick reply.
Matthew then asked for me to give him an example.
So I shared of my experience in Indonesia - at the end of my rope, feeling anxious, worried, and overwhelmed I went into the bathroom, pounded on the wall and asked for God to intercede. Immediately I felt his grace flood over me, surrounding and guarding my heart.
Then there's the more recent time when I was praying about a guy I liked (not Magnus) and God told me "no" and later when I prayed for God to just "tell me when I meet the one" and when I met Magnus God told me "he's the one."
Matthew was surprised. But I think most Christians are surprised when God answers in these ways. We read stories of answered prayer from the Bible or from the church fathers of old, maybe even from "famous"Christians about how God answered their prayer and think "that could never happen... or at least not to me."
In James the author lets us know that "Elijah was a man with a nature like ours, and he prayed fervently that it might not rain, and for three years and six months it did not rain on the earth" (James 5:17), so why do we exult these heros of the past as opposed to being motivated to imitate them?
We can have prayers answered like Elijah, Paul, Perpetua, or others. We serve the same God who moves in the same way, he is just waiting for us to ask, seek, and believe. Faith to move a mountain, anyone? I hope answered prayers are a reality in every believers life, for when we learn the power of prayer that is when our spiritual lives flourish and grow by God's grace.

Divorce, Martyrs and Prophets

The past two weeks I've been on a vacation of sorts up north (my excuse for not blogging).
The past week I got to work with Sarah and Matthew - the children I used to nanny for. The first two days were hectic as we settled into "routine" and it wasn't until Wednesday that we had our first serious conversation... on divorce.
Yes, the eight-year-old Sarah, commenting on my upcoming marriage mentioned the possibility of divorce, but added that it wouldn't be "for a long time." I gently told them that this wouldn't happen because of what I believe God states in the Bible about marriage - it's supposed to be a special reflection of him and the Church. It cannot be broken. Whoa. Tough topic one, especially as her grandparents are divorced.
The next day as I was reading my church history book about Perpetua (a martyr from 200 AD) Matthew came and asked what I was reading and I shared that I was reading about a martyr. He listened intently as I shared that Felicity, Perpetua's friend, was in jail and pregnant and asked to have the baby early so she could die; she did not ask to be removed from the trial but to go through it. He listened intently and with amazement.
Friday was not quite as intense. We read about prophecy a bit (Perpetua was a prophetess) and then read some about Samson and how he did (and did not) listen to God.
I am so blessed, looking back on the week, to have had those conversations with those precious children. I love the opportunity to explain, model, and teach them. I prayed for those opportunities and God in his grace answered. Through the whole week it reminded me of a simple truth, though; we are to be ready to preach the gospel in season and out with complete patience (2 Timothy 4:2).

Goals

Coming back to visit my parents I decided to sort through some of my stuff to get rid of and to see what I want to bring to South Carolina. Through that searching I found a list of goals, both one year and ten year goals, that I established back in 2006 after reading through (I believe) Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster. I had not seen the list since writing it as I quickly misplaced it, but was simply amazed at what I had hoped for and how so many of those were fulfilled - such as getting further education - and how many were FAR off - such as memorizing 40 chapters of the Bible.
The amazing thing is, though, 10 years ago I thought these things were far off and somewhat unattainable. Yet, coming close to that time I realize how practical they really are. I like the idea of setting goals, maybe because I like the thought of checking something off a list, but maybe it's a drive. Something that seems unattainable unfolding before my eyes.
It's interesting to see, too, what is of me and what is of God. I mean, after 6 years I can say that trying to memorize 40 chapters of the Bible was likely more me wanting to show off then something God placed on my heart. And doesn't that help identify our weaknesses and strengths - give just a little perspective as to what is of God and what is of yourself?
I'd like to do that again - sit down and write goals, and continue to see how God moves.

~~Rest~~

I do not rest well. The whole concept that God looked at his creation, declared it good and then rested a day (Genesis 1-2) feels foreign to me, especially in this day and age. CIU (my school) puts in their handbook that we are to observe a day of rest, a day where we cease from school work. And while I sought to honor this call, my mind would often fail to obey that command - if not thinking through school work, emails or other issues would come up to occupy me. It was hard to stop.
Even with school ceasing, so much else has occupied my mind - work, wedding, etc. This week I discovered that I did not have work due to the couple I am working with being out of town. My initial reaction was that if I had known earlier, I could have scheduled my vacation during this time. My realization now is that God has given me this time to rest.
Not that I have done nothing. Side note, why do we think God did nothing when he rested? Is it because he created everything and then has no documentation of "doing" something? Was he doing "nothing" before he created the earth? But that's besides the point.
I have goofed off, read, cooked, gone on walks, spent long times talking with Jesus, talked with friends, and gotten to spend more time with Magnus. Oh yeah, and done wedding stuff.
In some ways, this week hasn't been that different then other weeks I have had off and been busy with appointments, except that on Tuesday - a day I set aside to spend with Jesus - he reminded me of his love for me and lifted a weight of performance I hadn't realized I had been carrying (you can't rest if you're performing).
And so, I've rested. And enjoyed it. Especially enjoying just chatting with Jesus - sharing my ordinary cares and concerns, asking for help, sharing my frustrations. I'm seeing Christ as my friend again, one who is for me and fighting on my side. And with my friend, the God of the universe on my side, why not rest and enjoy this sweet time with him?

What is Your Heart's Desire?

Psalm 37: 4 states, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart" and this verse came to mind earlier this week as I was dealing with my back... again.
I came out of a visit to the chiropractor somewhat discouraged. After realizing my propensity to idolize health, though, I was not quite as discouraged. But I did talk with Jesus about it. I told him my heart's desire was to be healthy, to be whole.
But then I stopped and rethought that. No, my heart's desire is not to be healthy. That would be nice, but my heart's desire is to praise God in the good and bad. And he's using my back to bring about that. I don't like it, but it's true.
I think it's a good challenge to look at what we want and compare them to our heart's desire and simply ask "should they be"? White contemplating this verse while single (and wanting to be married), a lightbulb went on: God should be our ultimate desire, so if we are delighting ourselves in him, he will give us that desire - more of himself!
Practically for me, when I was single I wanted a husband and now believe this desire was placed by God, but all my desires for jobs, status, etc. were NOT from God. It took a long time and a lot of patience to see which was truly from God. When I caught myself developing a crush I would pray "Lord, fulfill or remove this desire!" I was amazed how often and faithfully God would answer that prayer by removing the desire for that man.
So what is your heart's desire, not those desires of the flesh, but those desires that God has given so that you may know him more and make him known? I say this with caution - our hearts must be continually brought before God to be sure we are pursuing the things of God and not our own fleshy desires. Our ultimate desire must be to delight in God, from that we will bring him glory and he will bless us in ways we cannot imagine... and ways that may look strange to this world (singleness, pain, a life of sacrifice in a foreign country, etc.)