The Wedding: It's not about me

I think one of the biggest lies involving the wedding day is that it is all about the bride - what she wants, how she wants things to look, who she wants to be there, etc. Yes, the groom does come into play in making those decisions, but really it's about the bride.
That thinking has definitely crossed my mind more than once. I start fuming about something silly, get irked and out of sorts in a heartbeat if something does not feel like it is quite "right." I have been seeking so hard to surrender things to God, to remember things will not be perfect, but still there are those moments.
Today I was having one of those fuming moments. It was really silly what I was getting upset about, yet things were not going to be what I wanted and I felt like I kept having to give in on areas I really didn't want to.
And then God reminded me of an important truth - the wedding is not about me. I like to pretend that it is, act like it is. Other people also indulge this fantasy with me, but it is not. The wedding day itself, as is the whole marriage, is about and for God's glory. I've been asking God to work and move through the wedding day - yet, I had forgotten that if God moves, if God makes the day his, it will not be mine. It will not be about making things perfect on my end, it will be about allowing him to move as he wills.
This does not mean I will lose my opinion or say, but it will mean ALL of it will need to be held with open hands - allowing God to change, move, and redirect as he sees fit.
May I continue to learn this in every aspect of my life - that even if I think something is about me, it's really not. It's really all for God's glory so he will move as needed so as to best display his gracious goodness, mercy, and glory.

Learning through a Move

Today, I moved most (not all) of my stuff to Magnus' place (which will be our place in 13 days - yikes!). It's an interesting choice of time to move in this area - many people finish finals and then bolt, many more are simply working. The night before I knew of two extra people who were going to help (outside Magnus and his parents). I was thankful, but knew it would be a long day with the move. I prayed for more help, but had no idea if anyone else would come.
Then the morning came, and God just gently brought people to help at the exact right time. I think what especially touched me was that it was some people I really did not know well, but who just were willing to pitch in (one came via a phone call and when he found that there was a need, he just showed up!).
After it was over - and over much more quickly then I expected - I was just thanking God for his grace. That's all I could attribute it to, his abundant grace poured out in this move by drawing people to help and encourage us through the process.
What a precious blessing to have a God who cares about the everyday details of our life - who knows what we need before we do and prepares the way before us.

God's Thinking of Me

I forget that God has me on his mind. I really do. I forget that he cares about my hurt, pain, frustration and stress. I also often forget that he has a much bigger picture he is looking at. Then, God will work in unexpected ways to remind me he is thinking of me.
I feel like I see this the most through friends who give me a call when I feel like I really need it, but am not necessarily looking for it. I don't know why, but this always does something amazing to my soul when a friend calls when I am not expecting it. I think there is this sense of comfort to know that I was randomly (or maybe not so randomly) on someone's mind and that they then called.
I love seeing the Church at work, feeling the Church at work. It is a beautiful reminder of the greatness of our God and how he so often works through "ordinary" believers.
Even when I don't get those calls, though, I pray that my view of God is stretched so that I learn to see him continually as a loving God who cares for me, is for me, and is always at work on my behalf.

My Feelings and God's Truth

This semester has been one where I continue to desire more of God, yet continue to feel God far off. He feels distant, even in the midst of seeing him move around me. I feel him come close for moments, but a continuing sense of his presence has alluded me. I don't know what or why, honestly, but I know it has (and is) a struggle. I keep waiting for something to change, but silence and distance remain. I've wondered about what I may be doing wrong, what I need to do different, but nothing surfaces. Still I wait.
As I've gotten frustrated and irritated about this, in and through this experience, I was talking to God and just kept asking him what I needed to do. I had the realization that this is probably part of the problem. I keep trying to "fix" the problem, to "do" something so that I will no longer feel so distant. But that's not how God works; that's not who he is. God is not obligated to respond to my work - that would be legalism and be spitting upon the grace that God desires to freely pour out.
So I must learn to rest. I must learn to delight in God, be still before him, continue to trust, believe, and hold onto his goodness. I cannot do anything to close this gap that I feel between me and God (though I can continue engaging in "means of grace" areas - prayer, Bible study, fellowship, confession, meditation, etc.). This gap may continue for years, months, or days. I'm really not sure. But striving to have it cease will not change God. Accepting who God is, who the Bible says he is, and continuing to trust, hope, and believe that he is who he says he is and he will act (even if not in our timing) is what is ultimate. My feelings do not define God, or even (always), my relationship with God.
Our God is good, faithful, and true - regardless of how we are feeling about him.

Deadening Silence

Have you ever gone through seasons when it feels like God is absolutely silent? Where it feels like he answers other people's prayers, but not yours? Or maybe he does answer some prayers, but not the ones that are really heavy on your heart? I've been feeling like that for the past three or so months as I entered this semester and some new and challenging situations. It's been hard to be walking towards marriage with a man I love and treasure and at the same time to be fighting for answers from God that he doesn't seem willing (or ready) to give me.
Today, a friend's very simple email to me convicted me that while I entered into some of these situations willingly (some, not so willingly) in every instance I feel like I have been running hard to find a way out. I have not been seeking to truly learn what God has, to allow my heart to be content, and to bring God glory through it. No, I have been burying my head, gritting my teeth, and running... and that running has lead to deadening silence and a lack of peace.
It can be hard to see, but every season is a gift from God - I often want to return these gifts to God, but that's more of the lack of perspective on my part then anything else. I hope and pray God continues to grow my perspective and increase my understanding of his great and deep love, especially when I am in seasons (and situations) that do not feel like a good "gift" to me.

Small Blessings

I tend to overlook the "small" answers to prayer or blessings I receive. The whole "30 days of Thankfulness" on facebook is great - it reminds people to regularly look at what God has blessed one with. Today, for example, was a beautiful day, I got RSVP cards finding out more friends will be celebrating with us (which always makes me smile), and the tiara and necklace I ordered came in.
I was thanking God for these and in the middle was reminded of the prayer he has yet to answer - namely in regards to a job and future stuff for Magnus and I, realizing I still do not have a sense of WHAT to pray for. This annoys and frustrates me. I will easily get my focus off of being thankful and on to my needs.
Yet Jesus, while on earth, gave us a model of what to pray - The Lord's Prayer (Matthew 6:9-13). Even when facing the unknown, our Lord has provided us with a manner in which to pray and seek him. So isn't that one more thing to be thankful for in the midst of a struggle?

The Power of Scripture

I have, quite frankly, been continuing to struggle with writing. This has frustrated me as blogging/writing is something I genuinely enjoy doing. Busyness has crept in along with distractions and, quite frankly, sin. I have just felt like my head has been under water and I have nothing relevant to say (not that I do, but often God grants something).

Today, though, I realized part of my problem - I have not been in Scripture (the Bible) as I should. I sat down and just read and soaked in truth. Allowed it to encourage and uplift my heart, allowed it to speak to me and reprove me, allowed it to alter my thinking and bring it in line with truth. In all that, I realized how much I have been studying the Scriptures (a valuable thing), but I had not been engaging in a relationship with Jesus through the Scriptures outside of these studies.

It is amazing how quickly I forget the truths of God's love and care for me, what my love and care for others is to look like, and so many other things when I go away from the Scriptures. I need these reminders. I need the truth constantly in front of me, the Spirit searching me through Scriptures.

May we learn to value, treasure, and be drawn to the wonderful truths of Scripture.