This semester has been one where I continue to desire more of God, yet continue to feel God far off. He feels distant, even in the midst of seeing him move around me. I feel him come close for moments, but a continuing sense of his presence has alluded me. I don't know what or why, honestly, but I know it has (and is) a struggle. I keep waiting for something to change, but silence and distance remain. I've wondered about what I may be doing wrong, what I need to do different, but nothing surfaces. Still I wait.
As I've gotten frustrated and irritated about this, in and through this experience, I was talking to God and just kept asking him what I needed to do. I had the realization that this is probably part of the problem. I keep trying to "fix" the problem, to "do" something so that I will no longer feel so distant. But that's not how God works; that's not who he is. God is not obligated to respond to my work - that would be legalism and be spitting upon the grace that God desires to freely pour out.
So I must learn to rest. I must learn to delight in God, be still before him, continue to trust, believe, and hold onto his goodness. I cannot do anything to close this gap that I feel between me and God (though I can continue engaging in "means of grace" areas - prayer, Bible study, fellowship, confession, meditation, etc.). This gap may continue for years, months, or days. I'm really not sure. But striving to have it cease will not change God. Accepting who God is, who the Bible says he is, and continuing to trust, hope, and believe that he is who he says he is and he will act (even if not in our timing) is what is ultimate. My feelings do not define God, or even (always), my relationship with God.
Our God is good, faithful, and true - regardless of how we are feeling about him.
You're great. He is near, as are His bodily manifestations here on earth (i.e. your family in Christ who loves you).
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