Towards Grace

It hit me last night that this theme of my need of God's grace has continued to come up - specifically learning to lean into God's grace and walk in confidence in his grace and love for me. Usually when I see an area that I want to grow and change in I set about learning; seeking out any sin issues that may be involved, watching for behavioral manifestations, bringing it before friends for prayer, seeking out the truth of Scripture, and coming to God with it.
Well, let me say that having to repent for not living in God's grace is like repenting from legalism - there's really not much I can "do" in those terms except lean into God. It just feels different, and I feel God seeking to bring me to a point of relaxing and leaning into Him. I also realized that if this is something deep and that I am going to learn well it will really take time (hmm, is that more work talk on my part?). I'm not talking days or weeks, I'm talking a year (or more).
I don't know why, but that's sort of scary to me to think about looking at God's goodness, grace and mercy for that long... like I'll miss something more important I should be doing. That probably means it's something that I really need to do - to just sit at God's feet; to sit in the Word and soak up the glorious riches of God's grace, mercy and love.
"Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21

Keep Walking

I feel like I’ll never be in a place where I’ll be “done” or “ready” to serve. I feel like there's often this perception that you need to have it all together to lead - that simply cannot be the case, though, or nothing would get done. Ever. 

I don't have it all together, I never will. Wow, what a relief to actually admit that. The ironic thing is I let myself slip into believing that there are people who do have it all together. This may partly be a southern thing I'm experiencing more strongly now, but I feel that when I admit that I don't have it all together or when I speak frankly about a sin or a struggle that people will shy away from me.

I just need to be ready and willing to serve where I am, how I am, and continue to be honest about who I am (this includes the truth of who I am in Christ). I need the courage to continue to walk forward and the faith to keep walking. I need to continue to keep in front of me that God uses broken people, and that it's truly not about me - not my glory or fame - but it's about God's glory and spreading that throughout the world. Even through a broken sinner like myself.

Entitlement

Through this Lenten time of sacrifice and with other things arising I have realized something very scary about myself: when I feel I am sacrificing something or something has been taken from me I can get bitter. And that can often lead to a feeling of entitlement to indulge in something else.
My mind goes something like "Well, I'm not going to have that so I can have this instead" or "Well, since I have to deal with this, I deserve some chocolate to make things feel better." I was doing this quite unconsciously and then as I was eating some chocolate the other day it hit me. It hit me that it was more then just a soothing mechanism, it was being done in defiance at God for the pain I was facing. Frustrated with what I was dealing with and not willing to face the difficulty head on, I decided I deserved the chocolate.
Basically, I dislike pain and suffering. I often feel like I'm entitled to something better and having chocolate, or whatever else, is my way of saying so to God. But it's not about my comfort or happiness, it's about learning to enter into whatever God has placed in my path and realizing it is a gift from God and that regardless of my surroundings or how hard things get, God is good and to be praised.

Missing Facebook

At least a little. I have actually really enjoyed being off facebook for the most part. I have appreciated how God has brought around various people and I have not thought about the whole facebook connection when talking with them (not that I obsessively did before). But there is this moment where I'm realizing that spring break is over and I could spend half an hour reading through people's posts of what they did over spring break, or just reconnecting with them in general and I miss facebook.
There is this trust that I feel developing between me and God in this process, though. I have to trust him so much more with friendships and bringing about the connections with others I need. I have to trust that he has me where he wants me, when he wants me, with the information he wants me to have. So much more reliance on him, so much more awareness of my inadequacy. A good thing to be learning during Lent.

Self-Focus

I was struck today by how easy it is to get focused on myself. Without even really trying, all my desires needs and experience jump to the surface, overwhelm me, and cause me to cease thinking of others or God. Even in thinking of good things such as ministry when it turns to rumination, focuses on the negative and fails to take into account God sovereignty it is bad!
How essential it is to keep a proper perspective, to have people around who can speak truth into your life and to be in the Bible daily to keep God's perspective in your life and on the world around you. God is sovereign, and I am but one piece in the puzzle. Focusing too strongly on the one piece will fail to take in the big picture, and will fail to realize that God can fit me in where he wants, as he chooses.
May the learning and growing in my life be such that I am able to filter my experiences constantly through God's perspective and not get caught up in the little details of my life; may his glory and praise ever be my chief focus.

Log and Speck

Recently I have been in situations where there have been problems seen in other groups - it seems so clear that this other group of people is doing something wrong (and often they are). It seems so outrageous and confusing why and how they could do something so atrocious, yet they do! How could it be?
Yet, after talking with someone in the "other" camp and being treated with such grace and humility it caused me to step back and consider the sin that I/we brought to the situation. It sort of hit me that as we look at the "other" we fail to look at ourselves. This feels like a mini ethnocentricism. We get wrapped up in the idea that we are totally right and have no reason to repent or change because the "other" is so apparently wrong.
But in this all, we as a group of complaining people have a log in our own eye that we are failing to see and get out. Yes, the "other" may be doing something wrong, but so often our approach is to badger and berate, to accuse and condemn instead of humbling ourselves, seeking repentance and out of love, grace and humility seeking to restore and strengthen the "other" people. This is an individual principle that Christ extols (Matthew 7:3-5), but it is so applicable and needed as we are in groups - especially Christian groups - so that we can truly love, serve and build up those around us.

Pleasant Reminder

In class on Tuesday the professor challenged us as we had previously turned in a paper referring to what three "solas" we would implement for the church today and no one put "grace." He was concerned that our generation may be forgetting the power of grace.
Right after that I went to chapel where the speaker spoke of grace saying, "If you want to make the world mad preach about law; if you want to make the church mad preach about grace."
I then came back to my apartment and read through Romans. I have a feeling God is trying to get my attention.
I forget his grace far to often. I'm afraid of its glorious richness; God not only freely gave his Son for the salvation for all who will receive, he desires to continue to lavish grace upon those who believe. I do not need to work to earn God's approval. I do not need to worry about failing and losing his love. I do not need to fear that God will be less pleased with me tomorrow then he is today.
I need to push into his grace - live and breath it. I need to drink in his love and mercy. This sounds scary because in a world that is based so strongly on performance, receiving things freely feels like a cheap shortcut. Preaching the freedom of grace feels scandalous. It makes our actions seem smaller and less significant and God bigger and mightier. It minimizes us and magnifies God. But that's the magnificences of grace; it is all about God and not at all about us.