Through this Lenten time of sacrifice and with other things arising I have realized something very scary about myself: when I feel I am sacrificing something or something has been taken from me I can get bitter. And that can often lead to a feeling of entitlement to indulge in something else.
My mind goes something like "Well, I'm not going to have that so I can have this instead" or "Well, since I have to deal with this, I deserve some chocolate to make things feel better." I was doing this quite unconsciously and then as I was eating some chocolate the other day it hit me. It hit me that it was more then just a soothing mechanism, it was being done in defiance at God for the pain I was facing. Frustrated with what I was dealing with and not willing to face the difficulty head on, I decided I deserved the chocolate.
Basically, I dislike pain and suffering. I often feel like I'm entitled to something better and having chocolate, or whatever else, is my way of saying so to God. But it's not about my comfort or happiness, it's about learning to enter into whatever God has placed in my path and realizing it is a gift from God and that regardless of my surroundings or how hard things get, God is good and to be praised.
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