I started listening to an audio book by Joni Erickson Tada, A Place of Healing, and was amazed as she started the book saying "I'm writing in the middle of my battle with chronic pain." Her courage to write honestly in the middle of her pain and struggle took my breath away. I couldn't listen to the book long because it brought me to tears. Her brutal honesty, doubts and fears and how some of those so deeply resonated with my heart. I haven't turned on the book again. I haven't had the heart for it. But I admire her courage.
I know that though she's writing in the midst of pain and the middle of brokenness she has hope. I know that through it all, regardless, she will continue to walk forward with faith that God will do all He has promised.
But I also bet that sometimes she'll doubt. I do. Yesterday, I was driving to see "my" kids (more on that later) and in the midst of traffic (yes, I'm back in DC) I realized I was ticked at God. I felt really annoyed because it was something I qualified as "petty." But the anger/frustration was still there.
One day I can spend deep, rich time with Jesus and this issue will not come up yet the next day something may trigger it. Trigger doubts, anger and frustration. Which leaves me ticked at God which I don't really like because, well, God is right and I sometimes feel it is pointless to fight with Him. But I did.
He reminded me He loves me and wants to be with me, even when I'm mad at Him. My life hasn't ended. Battles still rage, but like Joni (in a small, small way) I will continue to walk forward in faith and trust that God keeps His promises and that He is who He says He is. Even in the middle of the battle.
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