Forgiveness is hard enough as it is. But I grew up with the concept "forgive and forget." I felt like the person's sin didn't matter and I had to pretend it never happened. Well, I discovered that is not necessary or healthy.
First, reconciliation is good, it shows something beautiful that can happen within the church that often does not happen in the world. Reconciliation should be pursued (consider Matthew 18:15-20) - we should not, in general, go "forgive, forget, ignore, move on." Reconciliation will often involve confrontation, which means you will have to lovingly talk with the person who hurt you.I do not want to diminish the role and beauty of reconciliation.
But what happens when the person does not want to reconcile... or do not respond to the confrontation in a repentant manner - maybe they do not acknowledge that what they've done is really that bad (or sin)?
Here's the deal - forgiveness is always required (Matthew 6:12, 14-15). But restoring the relationship to what it was - renewed friendship and trust - depends largely on the response of the one you are confronting. I feel like I put my foot in my mouth when I say this. It sounds un-Christian and untrue. The example I was given for this was God, though. David Stoop who wrote Forgiving the Unforgiveable states that God demonstrates what reconciliation can or cannot look like. Through Christ, God offers forgiveness to all not all accept and repent. Those who do not repent will not have a relationship with God or eternal life.
In the past, I have experienced great hurt from an employer and sought reconciliation. The employer denied the severity of what he had done and while I forgave him, I realized I could never work for him again (unless God told me to) as he showed no level of repentance. If I re-entered the situation I would demonstrate that I had not learned to set appropriate boundaries that God has called me to in being a good steward of what he has given me. Make sense?
Have I stirred the pot enough? I think the best thing as you're processing forgiveness is to immerse yourself in the Bible and surround yourself with godly counsel.
May our hearts be ever for forgiveness, seeking to pursue reconciliation, and relying for God's empowerment through the process.
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