Forgiveness is a terribly hard topic to tackle... and it is not my favorite thing to engage in. Today as I was processing and talking to God I realized that I needed to take steps of forgiveness towards people who had hurt me.
Before going there, let me first explain why I don't like to deal with forgiveness:
1) I have to admit I've been hurt, really hurt. I don't know why, but it seems so humiliating to me to be so hurt by someone that I have to actually FORGIVE them. Why can't I "shrug it off" or "let it go"? When I come to the place where I realize I must forgive them, I have to admit that I've let them in and that they have hurt me. I have not been able to protect myself or stay strong.
2) I have to release them from paying me back. So often, I'll be hurt and hope that a look in my eye, the right timed words, etc. may cause the person to wither in guilt for what they've done to me (yes, I am over-dramatic at times). But, honestly, when has THAT ever happened? When I start processing forgiveness, I have to start realizing that I am releasing them from making up the wrong, I will not hold it over their heads and begrudge them for it (this does not mean I have to trust them fully, but that's another issue).
3) I may have to confront them (Matthew 18:15-20). This is not the case ALL the time, but sometimes the hurt is lodged deep enough, your process it before God enough, that you come to the place where you realize you need to humbly come before the person and confront them. It feels very weak and vulnerable to let someone know that they've hurt me, and it is also intimidating if I do not know them well as I do not know how they will respond. But this is what God calls for, and I am ALWAYS just so amazed when the person responds in humility and care. What a blessing and what wonderful reconciliation that can occur!
So those are the reasons I don't like to forgive. Forgiveness, I've discovered, is a journey. The first step is often recognizing that it needs to take place. May we learn to face this with boldness and humility and walk the path that God has before us.
This is a very difficult issue for me. I have been hurt by many people and suffered deep depression. I have probably hurt people in my reaction to them hurting me. I tend to take rejection and criticism, very personally. I also take what I feel as disrespect in the same way. I also feel that few people really understand what I'm about and who I am. I actually take some offense to someone who tries to use Job as an objet lesson. I can't relate.
ReplyDeleteI also fail to forgive myself which makes everything more difficult.
This sounds like forgiveness is deep waters for you. I pray God grants you grace to walk through and examines the different aspects of forgiveness and most importantly allow you to realize how much you have been forgiven. Our God is bigger then we think, and can always do more then we believe possible.
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