What's my view of God?

The other day while praying for healing for a friend the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego came to mind, specifically in regards to their stand before Nebuchadnezzar, refusing to bow and worship an idol and declaring to him, "Our God is mighty and able to save, but if not we will still worship him" (paraphrased from Daniel 3:17-18).
What hit me was that I always focus on the second clause - that regardless of the outcome we will still worship and praise God; I do not expect God to show up and work as He did with these Old Testament heroes. When I pray and ask God to work in a mighty (or even simple) way there is always in the back of my head the "but if not" belief. That yeah, maybe at one point in history God could, but that's not going to be today. He will not answer my prayers like that.
God is gently stretching my view of His love and mercy. He is challenging me to pray specific prayers and then answering them. He is challenging me in believing in His loving kindness - that He is good and wants to hear and answer prayers. He is not allowing me to stay stagnant in my relationship with Him but drawing me to more. God is not just the God of the "but if not we will still worship." He is the God who is mighty and able to save.

Slipping into Pride

The theme of this weekend's retreat was the necessity of humility. God continued to remind me of the ease in which I slip into pride. I know that personal pride is easy to fall into - exalting oneself at the expense of one's friends or co-workers is something I cringe at. What I forget is how easy it is to slip into group (ethnocentric) pride.
During the retreat last weekend when people would come and say something nice about the retreat or thank me I was quick to exult the team. Everyone had worked hard to bring this event about; yet, God showed me that in exulting the team I was not fully acknowledging the fact that it was truly Him at work. Yes, the GLC team worked hard and did a great job, but ultimately it was about God working, moving and meeting us at the retreat and to Him alone belongs the glory.
I have been faced with this group pride issue before and it causes me to have so much more empathy with the Israelites and the ease with which they slipped into an ethnocentric attitude and failed to look at and serve those around them. It feels so good to take your eyes off yourself, yet still have people that you are relying on as opposed to God.
But God calls us to honor and glorify Him alone and to recognize that in and through the people around us, He truly is working.

Should I be Leading?

Today in class the professor asked us where we stand on women's role as displayed in Scripture. He asked us to raise our hands for the comlpementarian view (women are equal but have a distinct role and certain restrictions on leadership functions) and the egalitarian view (women are different, yet equal in their role and ability to lead). For the first time ever I raised my hand for the egalitarian view. My hand raise is as much a response to my current position of leadership as it is to my biblical view which tends to be more complementarian.
You see, the question of whether I should be leading or not haunted me last year. I have to say I think women in the church have it hard. We often see extremes such as "women should never lead" or swinging to the other side "there is no difference." We have few examples of strong, godly women who courageously yet humbly lead. We need more examples; we need women who humbly and willingly lead. We need men with such confidence and assurance that they can lead and be unintimidated in encouraging us in our gifting.
Mostly, we need to be on our face, before God and with His Word seeking His plan and purpose for our lives and humbly following His lead.

Reading Answered Prayers

A mentor of mine once told me that she reads through her prayer journal after filling one. I don't do that, but I should look through them more often then I do. What I continually see in them is a clear testimony of my heart crying out and how God then realizing in the present that God has answered these prayers.
What I also observe is the anxiety that is often present within my own heart that is reflected in my prayers. So many of my prayers are out of doubt and fear; a clear lack of belief in His goodness and love. I am reminded of the Israelites in this, actually. They left Egypt seeing God's wonderful works, yet quickly doubted when they came to the Red Sea. They had seen and failed to believe. I think that's why God tells them so often to do things so they will remember what He has done.
That's really why I need to continue to read my journals - so I may remember. That's why we as Christians need to share how God is working in our lives, to remind people that God is still working and that He is who He says He is; He has not changed and His goodness and faithfulness in hearing our prayers and working in our lives will not cease.

Tension: Painful Now and Joy to Come

I was reading over John 13-17 (the Upper Room Discourse) and was hit mightily by 16:14 "Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full." I cringe from the implications of this verse. Doesn't it sound like health, wealth, and prosperity teaching?
This verse (along with much of my theology) does not fit into the real, painful world that I see live in. It feels like it fits into that make-believe world where people deny their pain and then go crazy and eventually have a mental breakdown because they are so out of touch with reality. A little cynical, but I've seen it happen.
Yet our God is so much bigger then we can imagine. Christ never denies the reality or the pain of the cross. He faces it head on - he knows that it will be work to walk through it, yet he does it "for the joy set before him" (Heb 12:2). I think for so much of my life I've looked at the pain in front of me and fail to see the joy that will follow.
God is calling us not to deny the reality of the pain, but not to get caught in it either. He wants so much more for us. He wants us to have an abundant life (John 10:10b).  God is attached to us and aware of the "now" of what we are going through; yet He sees beyond that. If we fail to believe the fullness of Scripture we will get stuck. Stuck as pessimistic who live in this reality or stuck in denial who fail to see painful reality. Let us learn to live graciously in the tension of the now; recognizing the joy and abundant life that God promises (and will give!), yet walking with bold humility through the "now" of life.

Questioning God's Goodness

I easily question God's goodness. I think this goes with knowing so little of what is truly good and right. There are so many things that I view as good, that I think would make me happy and delight my soul, yet when God has taken them away from me or said no to them I revolt.
Inside I cringe. I question whether God really loves me and would like me to be happy and joyful. I question whether those things, those desires within my soul which have burned for so long, have any reason, meaning or purpose. If you were to ask me if I believe God is good I would respond with a firm "yes." However, if you were to see me cringe, doubt, question and cry when God says "no" to me or see the fear when I take a step forward and doubt if God will lead me somewhere I enjoy you may question the practical reality of my "yes."
Yet God is flooring me with answers to prayer. I don't quite know what to do with it, with this taste of His goodness and grace. I was in a lunch meeting earlier this week with a woman who has agreed to mentor me this year. I was first off floored by the fact that she said yes (a huge answer to prayer) and second have been amazed with the intentionality with which she is approaching the mentorship. In the middle of this lunch meeting, watching and learning from her leading I got choked up. I am experiencing an answer to prayer lived out in front of me; I am experiencing God pouring out His goodness with abundant grace and all I can do is stand and receive and allow this to penetrate my heart and soul.
My prayer is that this will transform my heart attitude towards God and teach me to trust Him with the good as well as the bad; that He may always and fully be my delight.

Expecting Answers in Prayer?

Over the past few weeks as I've spent time talking with Jesus and there have been two times where I felt like He told me to shut up. I don't mean He said no, but as I was praying I felt Him confront me with my unbelief that He had heard my prayers and revealed that I was continuing in vain repetition (Matt. 6:7-8).
The first time he told me I felt as if he was saying "Am I not faithful? Have I not heard your prayers? Will I not answer?" I was surprised. I had prayed about this issue yet did not believe that God would hear and answer these prayers. God clearly showed me His answer and He truly was to praise for it.
Yesterday it happened again. I was praying over something I desire and felt the same issue raise to the surface. "Am I not faithful? Do I not know you? Am I not good? Why continue in your unbelief? I have heard. I will answer."
Andrew Murray talks about praying expecting and believing God will answer and how this should be the norm for a Christian. I am amazed by the numerous times I pray and do not believe that God has heard and that He will answer as I pray according to His will. (This is an important issue - the prayers must be according to God's will and you must be seeking God's heart to pray in such a way.) Yet I am astounded as I look back over the past few months how many prayers (little and big) I have seen God answer and how faithful He has constantly proven Himself.
May our faith in God grow as we seek His face and humbly come to Him in prayer.