Insecurity

I was sitting in Starbucks today reading "So Long Insecurity"  by Beth Moore. If Beth Moore can boldly announce it, then I figure I can too. I struggle with insecurity.
This hit me like a wave in March during World Christian Week. Something about planning that week and going through that process stirred up a lot, and in that stirring God showed that there was much that I did not believe about the truth of who He says I am. It surprised me to see how deeply the insecurity went, yet freeing to admit it. God is growing me out of this, I know it will take time, but He is faithful.
The interesting is that insecurity can come in all shapes and sizes and can be masked in strange ways - Beth Moore attests to this in her book. I don't feel alone in realizing that I'm not the only one who is walking around struggling with this, and that some others mask it in different ways.
I guess it's part of recognizing and confessing sins - it no longer has that deep, dark hold on you that staying quiet about it did. With eyes on God and a growing understanding of who I am in Him and what He says about me, I know God will continue to grow me in security of who I am in Him - regardless of the world around me.

Single and Content (?)

I grew up hearing from so many people that once you are "content" with being single then God will provide you with a spouse. I've been told that once you stop looking, then God will bring that person into your life, but you have to get to that point where you're not thinking about it or looking for someone.
Here's my deal - I want to be married. I really can't think of an extended period of time where there hasn't been this desire. I feel absolutely vulnerable in admitting that because, as I said, I have always gotten this sense that once you're "content in Jesus" then this desire will go away.
I'd like to challenge that concept. I was thinking of Paul's comment in Philippians 4 about learning to be content... and then about getting along with "humble means" and "going hungry."
My thought - contentment may not be about denying or ignoring one's desire, but accepting where you're at and not depending on a spouse for one's happiness. And that's what I've started to realize more and more - started to realize that where I am is God's gift to me for this time. Yes, I still do desire to be married and have a family, but God has brought me to this stage of my life for a reason and He wants to bless and use me as I am. I hope and pray to continue to keep my eyes on God and accept the gift He has given me, yet not be scared of(or deny) the fact that yes, I would love to be married.

Children, Progress and Discipleship

After feeling so helpless with Sarah and Matthew the other day I spent more time praying and reflecting over some of the things I had tried to teach them. I thought through their ages and stages and things I could have done differently.
Anyways, yesterday I went in and decided that we needed to spend time reading the Bible together. It was great to sit down and read some of Daniel and talk through some of what it meant to obey God above others, especially when doing it with the prospect of punishment.
Today I talked with them about spending time with Jesus, not me reading to them, but them choosing a way to spend time with Jesus (reading, writing, drawing, talking). Matthew chose to read and Sarah drew a wonderful picture. It fit them both perfectly and they both seemed to grasp the concept.
My hope and prayer is that they will continue this... but that will be up to them. This reminds me of how followers of Christ must be taught to grow and own their relationship with Christ. You can't keep people reliant on you, they must learn to rely solely on Christ. It takes time to step back and re-evaluate where people are at and what they need to best love, serve and encourage them in their growth in Christ.
As a side, I was also happy because Sarah and Matthew had much better attitudes the past two days :)

Helpless

Today was the third day I spent with Sarah and Matthew. I'll be with them the rest of the week. It's been so good to be back with them - to remind them of my love and care for them and to hear of their commitment to never forget me.
In a way, it feels like I haven't left. I've gotten to do my favorite activity with them, read :)

Yet, there is something that feels decidedly different about being back in their life. They have grown and changed. They have also started bickering. It made my heart sad to listen to their fight. It seemed absolutely pointless and it felt impossible to stop. I did not really know who (if either) to reprimand.
Let me tell you, I don't think anything could make me feel more helpless then having these two (whom I love dearly) bicker as they did. It was a good kick in the pants for me. I can't control them; they are God's. And no matter how cool, calm and collected I may seem to grownups, there are still some kids who can shake me to the core and remind me of my utter helplessness before God.

The Middle of the Battle

I started listening to an audio book by Joni Erickson Tada, A Place of Healing, and was amazed as she started the book saying "I'm writing in the middle of my battle with chronic pain." Her courage to write honestly in the middle of her pain and struggle took my breath away. I couldn't listen to the book long because it brought me to tears. Her brutal honesty, doubts and fears and how some of those so deeply resonated with my heart. I haven't turned on the book again. I haven't had the heart for it. But I admire her courage.
I know that though she's writing in the midst of pain and the middle of brokenness she has hope. I know that through it all, regardless, she will continue to walk forward with faith that God will do all He has promised.
But I also bet that sometimes she'll doubt. I do. Yesterday, I was driving to see "my" kids (more on that later) and in the midst of traffic (yes, I'm back in DC) I realized I was ticked at God. I felt really annoyed because it was something I qualified as "petty." But the anger/frustration was still there.
One day I can spend deep, rich time with Jesus and this issue will not come up yet the next day something may trigger it. Trigger doubts, anger and frustration. Which leaves me ticked at God which I don't really like because, well, God is right and I sometimes feel it is pointless to fight with Him. But I did.
He reminded me He loves me and wants to be with me, even when I'm mad at Him. My life hasn't ended. Battles still rage, but like Joni (in a small, small way) I will continue to walk forward in faith and trust that God keeps His promises and that He is who He says He is. Even in the middle of the battle.

Is the grass greener?

We talked about singleness in my young adult’s group last night. It made me laugh a little as I just blogged about it. One of the questions that came up was what is the greener grass that you are jealous of the “other side.” There were no married people at the table so us singles talked about our perceptions.

I’ve heard married women say they are envious of single women’s freedom. I alluded to that in my last post about speaking about the opportunities that I’m involved in, the ways in which I can minister, and the mobility that I have,

For me, the “greener grass” I see in marriage is the growing friendship and intimacy. The simple joy of having someone to be with you through all the various adventures, who you can truly, wholly and fully share every aspect of your life with. I don’t know how idealistic that is. I may have too high a standard, and I’m definitely aware that once I’m married (Lord willing) that will not magically happen, but it will grow over time. But I guess it’s something about the joy of that being able to grow over time that excites me.... and that sometimes my heart simply longs for.

I know that marriage will not hold all I expect – it will be different, harder and better then I can imagine. But I know that in God’s timing, in His way He will bring me together with my husband for the advancement of His kingdom. 

Single and Mobile

I traveled today. I've been traveling a lot this summer. Today I came to Maryland where I will remain the rest of the summer. In the traveling this summer I have been reminded of a few things.
One of these things is that being single is a gift, and a gift that I am learning to appreciate more and more. Being able to go from one friend's to another and spending time hanging out with friends is not something that could be as easily done if married; especially picking up my stuff and coming and staying most of the summer at my parents. Just thinking through the things I will be involved with at CIU next year and the simple fact that I am able to attend CIU all point to me to the wonderful flexibility I have being single. I am so thankful that God gives good gifts. Being single now is not a second class status, but is something that I can enjoy and fully use for God's glory.
Is there some struggle in this all? You better believe it. It is not always fun to feel so mobile. It is not always fun to be on car rides to these places by myself. And honestly, I would love to be married. But to focus on the negative seems so petty.
God has given me this good gift of being single, may I use it to the fullest for His glory.