Workaholic or "Doing the Lord's Work"

My roommate and I were sharing prayer requests today and as I thought through what to pray about (there are many things, I try to hone in on one or two at a time) I reflected that I was still feeling "off balance." Another moment's thought with it and I realized the truth: I am a workaholic. If I can't let go of the work I'm doing to relax without guilt, I'm pretty sure that's a bad sign. Yes, in ministry there can be nice terms for this - devoted, determined, dedicated, available, "doing the Lord's work." 

But the truth is that God is the one working. He's just using me. And He cannot use a burnt out, exhausted, overly stressed, worrying me. He wants me resting in Him, trusting Him, and relying fully on Him in/through this all. He wants me to be able to rest, relax and have fun as much as He wants me to work diligently at the tasks He has given me.

I'm glad I'm starting to learn this now - ok, I knew this before, it is just more prominent now. Thankfully, God is gracious and will continue to grow me, continue to teach me that it is truly Him at work - and if He's working He can raise up more people at the right time for the tasks at hand.

Jealousy and Limits

I can sit here, on my nice little weekend away (hello, Atlanta) and get jealous. How crazy is that? Turning on my computer to do a little work, I flipped through facebook and thought "oh, don't I wish I was with _____, that looks like they had a lot of fun!" I'm amazed at how the devil can seek to allure me from the present where God has led me and what he has directed me to do.
It's funny, too, to realize how finite I am. I cannot be with everyone, doing everything, all the time. Yet something within me wants to. I do not want to recognize the truth of the smallness of my influence - that I am one person with limited time and energy. If I had it my way, I'd be everywhere, doing everything, with everyone (I never claimed to be sane).
Yet, God is wise and kind. He knows me inside out and where I will fall into pride. He knows that I am but one person and will pull me from various people to remind me that I am his and that I cannot do it all.
I know this is not everyone's struggle, I know that some people revolt at the idea of constantly being with people, but it's part of what I deal with.
The awesome thing is God knows each of us inside out and where our weaknesses are and he will stretch each of us if we are willing to embrace the lessons he presents us to keep us humble and fully his.

Feeling Stuck, Getting Artificial, and Seeing Pride

I have been struggling with God's lack of movement in my life over the past few weeks. Not that God I haven't seen God work around me or experienced him growing and convicting me in various parts of me life, just that I feel he is quiet in one area; I feel like I have this blind spot and that has frustrated me over and over again; mostly because I don't know what that spot is or how to get rid of it. I feel stuck.
I hate feeling stuck. I don't like not knowing how to get rid of this blind spot and I don't like how it's kept me from fully embracing and surrendering to Christ.
Today God drew me to himself and gently showed me two things - that I had allowed this feeling to keep me from coming to him as often as I should; instead of the "stuckness" making me humbly seek him more I had decided to press on until I got it figured out (wow, do you hear the pride there?). Second, he revealed that it had kept me on artificial ground with those around me; instead of being open and honest that I was feeling stuck I was looking at what was going on around me and talking of that instead.
This is such a strong reminder that God wants all of us - wherever we are, however we are - and he is the one who will ultimately work and move us to greater depths of intimacy with him.

People or Jesus?

I love being around people. I love talking with friends, hearing their stories, and just sitting with a friend. Coffee is an especially wonderful way to spend time with a friend. Yet, over this semester God has reminded me of something so much more important - spending time with him.
I am not talking about what people usually refer to as "quiet time" or "devotionals" where you set aside time each day to spend with God reading his word and talking with him. I am talking about longer, less structured times where you can sit quietly and be with Jesus - talk with him without pressure about anything and everything that's on your mind. Maybe just be still in nature with him, go for a walk with him, or whatever other way that ministers to your soul.
Being much busier this semester then I was last year it has taken more effort to schedule these times in; I have often felt guilty from pulling away from people to spend more time with Jesus. Yet, Christ himself modeled this by pulling away from crowds - potential huge ministry opportunities to heal and teach people - to spend time in prayer with the Father (Luke 5:16). If I have such a model as this, it should always be a priority and privilege to spend those times with Jesus.
Besides, Christ was perfect and needed these times, how much more, then, will I.

Is Comfort a Good Thing?

I was having a conversation with God today where I told him how I had been looking forward to this year and being comfortable with where I was and what I was going to be doing. I talked with him about the fact that he had not allowed this preconceived concept of my life to continue and my struggle to accept the way he is growing me.
Later in class my professor declared that a leader will "understand contentment and refuse to live for comfort." It was like God was hitting me over the head - if I didn't get it in my earlier talk with him, I got it then: I am not to live for comfort. I am to pursue God and that entails growth, and growth is never comfortable, yet you can be content in it.
In God's push to get me outside my comfort zone this year he has revealed pride in my heart and areas of vast unbelief in God's goodness, faithfulness and love. God knows my heart and knows how I needed to grow and mature in these areas, yet it has not been very comfortable (yet, at the same time it is very good).
I can be content where God has me and what he has me doing, but if I ever drift into being "comfortable" - into failing to rely on the Spirit, ceasing to seek God in prayer and through the word - I will cease to grow and mature in my relationship with Christ. I will cease to have a deep and intimate relationship with Jesus.
Jesus never called us to a comfortable life, he called us to obedience and surrender, and while there is great contentment in following him, it is risky and uncomfortable to offer him your all.

Uncertain Prayers

The past two days I have found myself coming before God with a list of things, but somewhat uncertain of what, or how, to pray about the matters. I found myself praying more then once "Jesus, I'm not really sure how to address this. You know what I need. Thank you that the Spirit is making request on my behalf. Please show yourself."
Today, I felt His response. It wasn't in anything profound or earth shattering, it was mostly through time spent in prayer, the beautiful weather, and encouragement I received from various people. I didn't realize that was what I needed, but God did.
Seeing God work in my unspoken needs reminds me of how big He is and how much He truly cares about the simple and "mundane" aspects of my life. Not only that, He knows me better then I know myself - He knows what I need when I can't even articulate it. What an awesome God we serve.

Gentle Humbling

God threw up some guard rails for me this week, protecting me from myself. The first of which was a friend gently telling me that some actions I were taking were not wise. She said this in total love, not to condemn me or say what I was doing was inherently wrong, but that it could lead somewhere I did not want to go.
The next came in the form of being sick on Saturday. I woke up feeling awful. I'm pretty sure it was mostly due to the fact that last week I was still going full speed ahead. That did not bode well with the amount of work I put into the retreat last weekend, so I simply crashed and spent the day resting and watching TV on Saturday.
When these things initially happened I kicked myself mightily - I "should have been" on my guard more, I "should have" rested more, I shouldn't have needed others or God to step in and correct me. However, God could have allowed much bigger things into my life before lovingly correcting me, but out of His grace they were minor thing.
I recognize this as God's gentle work in my life to keep me humble, reliant on Him and aware of my need of the Body of Christ to walk with me.