Risking Growth

I was reading a book (The Five Smooth Stones by Robertson McQuilkin) the other day that talked about maturing in the handling of one's finances - of going from giving impulsively, to tithing, to giving out of love, to sacrificial faith giving/living (or some such stages).
Reading that I had the realization that it can be risky to grow and change. I have often heard people denounce the concept of tithing (or spending time with Jesus daily, going to church weekly, being accountable, etc) because they do not want to become "legalistic." I get it - you've seen the bad of the people who have done those things; it seems like drudgery, like it would be worse then where you are. So staying stagnant is safer, at least you won't become one of "them."
But the sad thing is God wants so much more then for us to trade in one set of sin issues for another. This is what the world believes we do, but it is simply not the case. He wants transformation. We forget that. God can not only change our outward behavior and habits but our inward thoughts and feelings as well. He can cause us to forget that we are "tithing" and cause us to give joyfully. Yes, mistakes will be made. You may become like "them" for a little bit, but if you are pursuing God and allowing Him to work to change your heart you will not stay there. You will take a risk by stepping out in faith and God will meet you there. If we know our God the risk becomes minuscule and the opportunity to see God at work becomes great.

History and Future Hope

I did not want to go to bed last night so I decided to rummage through my room. This happens whenever I am at my parents; inevitably I go through things - throw things out rearrange them, etc. One of the things I decided to do was clear out this beautiful trunk because I want to bring it down to South Carolina:

In it were my journals (which I moved to my book shelf):

I counted them - twenty seven journals (though a few of them were quite small) so far.
This is my history, my past, yet so much a part of who I am. In these I have poured out my heart to God over various matters and in these God has answered in profound ways.
I love the documentation of the past - the stories and the perspective it provides. Through the past we can see God working in and through the dark hours, we can see those half hearted, not really believed prayers be answered in the present. We can also see the big, bold prayers come to fruition in ways we never would have imagined. We see that God is not a dead God, but is living, active and intimately involved in our lives; he will not sit idly by. The reminder of the past spurs hope and faith for the future that God will continue to work but we must learn to wait on his timing.

Fear of the New

I do not like trying new things. That is why, though I'm very excited about being GLC president, there is also a certain amount of fear that goes along with concept.
This past semester provided many opportunities to try new things. Some of which came in the form of knitting. I knit a sweater for the first time. Then, I moved onto a shawl done in LACE and I learned to read a VISUAL pattern!!! These things frightened me. After completing the shawl (and being darn proud of myself and all) my friend told me I needed to block it. She assured me it was easy, but I had still never tried it, so taking a deep breath I followed the simple instruction.

It turned out AMZING. This is it sprawled out, being blocked.

From another angle.I mean honestly, I think this is my favorite object I have knit to date. It'll be great in those cold classrooms.
And then it hit me - well, of course there are many new experiences in the world, and though the new can be scary and sometimes end in disaster, oftentimes God does great, marvelous and beautiful things in and through it.

Single "Wholeness" ?

One of the things that I have heard about being single is that you have to become "whole" before being married, or that God wants to make you "complete" before He will bring you a spouse. I think the concept is that you should not sit around doing nothing while waiting to be married, but continue to grow in sanctification. But what often comes about is that there is something wrong with you that God must fix before He can give you the gift of a spouse.
But God does not work as we expect. And we can never get to a place where we are "whole" enough before God will give us the gift of a spouse. It is his gift to give.
I know these people mean well, but I think we need a better and bigger understanding of God. God, for His reasons, will have some amazing people wait a lot longer then they would want before getting married. God for His reasons will bring two people together who you just wonder about. None of us will be "whole." Ever. We are all broken before God; marriage doesn't make us whole and remaining single longer won't. God has different gifts for different times for different people and will continue to work through a believer to conform them to the image of Christ - married or single.

Make Believe and Communication

While working with Sarah and Matthew one of the days they both decided that they wanted me to play a game they had each made up with them. Sarah was first. We were to choose from selected creatures and then pretend to be the creature. I was a centaur - yes, I chose the easiest beast I could be; I love to play with them, but sometimes fatigue hits a little harder. I convinced Sarah to let us go for a walk which made the pretending easier (we often take walks pretending to either be or have along mythical creatures). After the walk, Sarah declared the game done.
Next was Matthew's game. Matthew decided he wanted to create a game with a playing board, scores, and magic animals. I started, received my magical animals and was then informed I had to train them. "Where do I go for that?" I asked.
"To the carnival."
"Ok, where's that?"
"You have to guess. You can either go to the dark woods or the village."
I opted for the dark woods but was still befuddled at the whole process and Matthew's small explanation. I had my suspicion that the game was based heavily on an online game he plays called Wizard 101 and he was imposing those rules on his constructed game. I was informed that I was to start training, and was loosely told how, but when I tried to proceed I could see a frustrated look come across Matthew's face. I obviously was not getting it.
I could tell he had thought it through. I could tell it made absolute sense to him. But I also knew his explanations were lacking. So I gently told him that - that I knew it made sense in his head, but he needed to be patient with me because it wasn't making sense to me yet. Could he try explaining it again so that I could understand? He did, and I got it (though I didn't last much longer at the game).
Looking back at that I realized that I was teaching some basic communication. So often we have a concept that makes absolute sense to us; we've thought it through and know the ins and outs. Yet, when we try to explain it to someone else they miss it. This is even further exasperated if trying to communicate cross-culturally. We need to learn patience and humility - realizing that our words and concepts may not make sense to others and take the time to think through ways to explain that the other person can truly grasp.
Then, we will al be able to play together :)

The Lies We Tell Ourselves

Do you ever have those moments when you suddenly realize that what you thought wasn't "such a big deal" really is? I go along telling myself that the dream, friendship, hope, plan, etc. that did not work out really isn't a big deal. I tell myself that God has something bigger and better planned. I tell myself to get over it and move on.
Then there comes that time when I realize it hurts to not get what I wanted and that maybe I wanted it even more then I let myself believe. I was lying to myself.
The first time this really hit me was my second year of college. I had quit swimming a year (ish) ago due to shoulder problems, giving up the dream of being an Olympic swimmer. I had been coasting on the idea that it "wasn't a big deal" for that year (plus) until various circumstances prevented me from living with the lie I was telling myself and sent me into a dark depression.
I cried out to God (and got some good counseling) and I learned to grieve, mourn and give up some of my dream. But that process of grieving, mourning and giving up was not a one time thing. Nor will it ever be a one time "done" deal. I have far too many dreams and the world we live in is far too broken not to have more shattered dreams. Some of these are big, but many more of them are so small that I feel a little petty confessing that realizing it would not happen hurts as it does.
But when I recognize the lies and admit and confess them to God, I take a step of faith and trust Him - trust His goodness and His wisdom. I also talk to people who have lived longer and seen God work in more ways then I have. Through it all I grow - in recognizing the ways I deny the truth about my feelings, in dependence on God, and grow in my understanding of God's love for me in wanting to keep me living in the light of the truth.

The Beauty of History

Friday I took Matthew to the Natural History Museum. It was his choice. Sarah was on a day-long bike ride with her grandfather. I'm not the biggest fan of the Natural History Museum primarily because it forces me to think... a lot. If you have not been there, it is awesome, but try going with a 9 year old who has already been learning about evolution and talking with him honestly about the evolution/creation/Biblical perspectives. Ummm, tiring. Last year I brought Sarah and Matthew and I refused to go through the Hall of Human Origins with them. This time I went with Matthew - one 9 year old is easier then a 6 and 8 year old.
And we talked. Every time there was a reference to evolution, we talked (I'm sure this was NOT his favorite part). But it was good. We talked about the reliability of the Bible, about science, about knowing what can be known and leaving the unknown.
I love these conversations. I can't tell you how much I love them. To be able to talk with him, challenge him and help him challenge what he's been taught. It gives me hope and reminds me some of why God brought me into their lives (though I know I will not fully know and see this for years... maybe not until heaven).
It also reminded me of the more basic fact that I absolutely LOVED being a nanny, especially the summer. Getting to interact that closely with children, share your life with them, pray over them, have FUN with them in that way is precious and such a blessing.
I get all nostalgic and idealistic thinking over it, though. It was amazing, but God has something better in store for me - can I believe it? So while I love history, I must always remember to keep my eyes on God and my hope and heart firmly planted in Him and on the good he has in store for me.