Done (ish) and What's to Come

I have been some-what horrid at blogging this semester. There are so many different aspects that factor in, that I'm not sure I could list them all.
But the semester (and my time in seminary classrooms) has come to a close. This makes me incredibly sentimental, and I try to hold it together thinking about it, but it's a challenge. Such a significant portion of my life closed where God did SO much to grow and mature, and to abundantly bless me.
It has not been what I expected, and I am not where I expected; but I'm where I should be. It's always amusing to me how God works - always full of surprises, always something better.
And I'm still processing this whole experience. Thankfully, God has provided a way for me to continue to process - through writing a book on my time in seminary. I'm excited and terrified about this at the same time. I believe God is leading me in this direction, but thinking of filling a whole book sort-of makes my brain stop working. I don't know what to say, but I'm trusting as God led me to this, he will give me the words.
This will function as the part of my degree I've been holding onto that is not completed - a final internship requirement. Because of that, my blogging will either cease or become so sporadic as to be completely unpredictable (I know, with this semester of blogging there won't be much difference).
As for Magnus and I - he has been blessed with a full-time job as a chaplain working with high school age boys and is loving his job and the many opportunities to share the gospel. Which means, we will be staying in the South (and I have become aware I desperately need to learn more of the culture!).
Thankful for all God has done and all he will continue to do.

God's Constancy

I've been talking to God a lot about what's next - it has involved a whole lot of waiting, talking, and more waiting. As I've talked with God I've been reminded of some precious truths - that he will provide, that he is faithful, and that he knows that it is hard.
I know these are simple truths, but I've needed the constant reminder recently as I've been getting ready to graduate and just am wondering what's next in the journey. There will always be times like this - times where it feels like constant waiting, asking, and uncertainty. I remember that being the case when I was single and very much longing to be married, and God had me waiting because he has something good, wonderful in fact, in store for me - Magnus.
Now, I'm back to a similar position of waiting and trusting that God is the same - he is the same God who gives good gifts, who directs my path, and who cares for me. He has not forgotten and is not slow, but he is growing and teaching me through this time of waiting.

Whirlwind

I feel like this past week has gone by in a whirlwind. My time in seminary is winding down, but God is still teaching, stretching, and growing me.

What am I learning?
More about spiritual warfare, that's for sure! Feeling uncertain about the future can leave myself open for attack.
More abut God's timing - definitely different than mine (and leads to a lot of arguing with him).
More about the importance of remembering (if God has done SOOO much for me already, why on earth would he change now?).
More about the blessing my husband is (I just keep being pleasantly amazed at why God chose him for me - all the ways he balances me, encourages me, and fits me. So sweet!)

And hence, little blogging. My mind feels like it has been thrown from one thing to another and I barely have had time to process. But God is still God - he is still faithful, trustworthy, and true  - and I am still walking in trust and dependence on him, whatever stage of the journey I am in.

Selfish Love

Yesterday, I was brought face-to-face with the selfish nature of my love.
Magnus was having a rough day and I was REALLY irritated with him. I kept asking God what I should do and he kept responding "Love him." So I would go over and say something nice... and then add "but, I still think you're wrong" or some such phrasing. This happened three times. Three - I am a slow learner at times.
Finally, God started working on my heart  - he continued to tell me to love Magnus, but he also gently pointing out that telling him I love him "but" isn't really any sort of love. It's me being selfish, it's me wanting him to change before I am kind to him as opposed to laying aside my needs and wants and simply loving and serving him where he's at, as he is. God gently asked if I could love him - as he is - for the next week, month, year? I was struck by the selfishness of my love at that moment, and realized that I have been called to love and serve my husband, regardless of his mood, and that's what I needed to do.
I repented before the Lord and sought to walk in love (though not perfectly).
What I love about the Lord's work in this situation - within an hour God had gently convicted Magnus and his attitude did a 180.
God is so good - he loves us selflessly, and I know that learning to love as he does will be a life long process.

Living in Denial

I keep looking at the calendar and mentally acknowledging the countdown until the end of the semester. But what I fail to do is emotionally deal with the fact that I will be done with school. I keep telling myself that I'm not really done because I have an internship left... but really, at the end of the semester for all practical purposes, I'm done.
I'm in denial because I feel like I don't really know what's "next." I'm married. I have an internship set up... but I still am not sure what good my degree will come in, and that's frustrating, honestly. So, denial has cropped up.
When I face the reality that I am done, leaving, and moving on a mixture of emotions come up. Some excitement to see what God will do, but mostly fear and uncertainty because I still feel somewhat confused in the midst of it all. Fear likes to paralyze me and cause me to doubt God. It takes work to focus on God and the truth of who he is.
But in that work - in the midst of that battle - is where I find peace. I think back to what God did to get me here. I think back to his faithfulness in directing my steps along the way - of introducing Magnus and I and guiding us. And as I focus on who God is and what he's done... the fear slowly melts and trust begins to grow.
My hope and prayer is that trust will grow these last four weeks over and above the fear and that God will continue to prove himself faithful as he has through my walk with him.

Four More Weeks

The reality of school ending hits me sporadically. I say sporadically because there are those moments when I get sad about leaving the familiar and get freaked out about the lack of job options for when I finish here - but these are only moments.
Mostly, I'm focused on making it through the next four weeks - finishing classes well, continuing to navigate this whole marriage thing, and trying to manage the part-time job I currently have.
When I look out, I don't know what's next. I don't know what God's going to do, how He's going to move, but that so much reminds me of when I came here - I had no idea of the degree I was going to get or how I'd manage to make it through.
Yet here I am, on the other side, about to get a degree. Facing similar questions and the same God.
I'm just very thankful that God is the same - he is still trustworthy, good, reliable, faithful - so I do not need to worry, but simply continue to walk in obedience.

On Womanhood, the church, and the Bible (research and current - Part 4)

Then there’s my own biblical research – my grappling through deacons (which I believe has biblical support to be women. See Marshall's International Critical Commentary: The Pastoral Epistles) and sorting through 1 Timothy 2:11-15 and realizing that wow, there is SOLID biblical support to translate “authority” as “domineering” and so interpret that passage to address a specific group of women who were teaching in a domineering way and Paul’s basically saying “stop that!” I point you to Belleville’s  Teaching and Usurping Authority: 1 Timothy 2:11-15 and Towner’s The New International Commentary on the New Testament: The Letters to Timothy and Titus. Many more sources may be pointed to for a more complementarian view. I do not deny that as a source of interpretation, I'd only like to point out that a more egalitarian view also has valid ground.

So, my stance stance on women in leadership positions has changed. I could see a women teaching a man in a non-domineering way and that being biblical. I’ve done it (I believe). I would say to the egalitarians, though, that I do still lean towards wanting a male senior pastor as I believe that the husband is the head/authority of the wife and that it helps to see it lived out in the church. But this is no longer a make-or-break issue for me.

That’s where I stand, but I’m not yet done growing, I’m not done processing. I’m still learning, maturing, changing. And it’s still an emotional issue for me. But one thing I know – the American church is in desperate need of more godly, non-domineering, female leaders in its ranks! It can be easy for me to see this view and hold this view tight - even forcing it when it shouldn't be forced. In all the differing views, I think there needs to be a stronger dose of love and humility. Whatever side we fall on, we must be prepared to be winning and winsome and remember to let love rule all - for we still desperately need unity and love within the body of Christ.

On Womanhood, the church, and the Bible (Final Semester - Part 3)

Now – this final semester these old issues have come up. Part of it, I believe is that I’m in a Pastoral Epistles class so, of course, we have to deal with the issue of women in the church. I just finished writing a paper on the roles and responsibilities of women as seen in 1 & 2 Timothy and Titus. I am also facing this reality – the evangelical American church can be a challenging place for a woman to find her place, especially if she feels called into the ministry.  I have been frustrated, and my heart has continued to hurt over the matter… and I’ve been seeking to sort through it biblically. I have some thoughts jotted down, but nothing is set yet. I have a feeling that it will continue to be a process.

My first question to those who hold to a complementarian mindset is this – if the church is to be the household of God (1 Timothy 3:15), where are all the mothers? In the leadership of complementarian churches, the mother's role is often lacking. This feels "off." I feel like I can't quite place my finger on it, but one of my friends made the astute observation that if we are to truly "complement" the men, where is the space for us to do that?

My second question to complementarians is this – is it really biblical to deny women from being pastors? This has more to do with looking at gifts (Ephesians 4:11-12, Romans 12:4-8, 1 Cor. 12:28), functions, and office (1 Timothy 3:1-34, Titus 1:5-9). God gifts people how he wills – nowhere in the gifts section does it restrain certain gifts to certain people. The answer may come that the pastor is to be an elder (what complementarians view as a biblical restriction to the office), but my question would be – is the job requiring it, or your wording of the job (biblical or cultural)? Is there a problem with having a women “Spiritual Formations” pastor, missions pastor, family pastor, executive pastor, etc. provided it wasn’t worded that they function as an elder (and that she would have proper authority over her)? 

These are just some of what I've been grappling through with the complementarian perspective and wondering how much one's culture shapes and dictates our expression of our theology.

On Womanhood, the church, and the Bible (Seminary - Part 2)

God brought me (single) to seminary. I remember the first two semesters that this whole concept of women in ministry was bubbling underneath my soul. God continued to grow and reveal various gifts he had given me – leadership, administration, teaching – these seemed like gifts the whole body could use, but why (still) the restrictions? My first year I was also face-to-face with my insecurities in the issue – me, lead? Me, dare to use this for the WHOLE body of Christ? Dare to call myself a leader? Dare to dream that God has something more in store for me then “just” to be married and help my husband in ministry?

I was so excited as the opportunity to serve as president for the student body came up – so excited to use and grow in the gifts God had given me. I started to learn contentment as a single woman – I realized that God’s value and worth of me has nothing to do with a man, that he can and WILL use me and the gifts he has given me without a husband to “serve alongside” in ministry. I felt confident and courageous – the “how” of working it all out didn’t seem to matter as much.

(Side note – imagine that mindset and meeting and dating my future husband? There were several moments of frustration between me and God as I asked him why I really needed a husband).

My second year felt like such a sweet spot – meeting my husband, serving in a leadership capacity, having a leadership class with a male egalitarian professor, and meeting with a godly, feisty older woman who challenged my thinking on leadership and complementarianism. “Egalitarian” no longer was a dirty, “unbiblical” word.

I felt God was providing safety and continually reminding me “Be who I made you to be!” It was sweet and precious. I felt supported. The practicality of everything disappeared and the fear melted. If God could use me there, he could provide another place and time to continue to use me.

*A note about my husband – I was (and am) continually shocked and blessed by his support and encouragement to me to be who I am. To be bold, courageous, challenging, and a leader (though he still does lead me). It is so freeing having a husband who views and treats me as a capable equal.

On Womanhood, the church, and the Bible (Part 1 – Background)

~~~~~This will be a four-part series (at least) dealing with some of the issues I've face as a woman contemplating ministry~~~~~

I grew up in complementarian churches, meaning I could not imagine a women being a pastor, much less an elder of a church. In fact, I remember thinking how “unbiblical” it would be for a woman to hold one of those positions. In high school the church I was going to had a women’s minister/counselor and a female children’s director. I thought this was really neat as there were practical things women could do in the church on staff. I struggled with this desire to serve in ministry, and tried to fit it into what I saw and experienced which was, frankly, quite narrow.

My notion of women’s role within the church was quite staunchly complementarian – we were to support our husbands and join in the ministry they were doing... right? This would need to happen in the realm of marriage, of course. But then something happened. I got out of college and was still single. I wanted to serve God, but I didn't have a husband to join with. Now what?

After spending some time overseas I saw that the possibilities there seemed larger for a women – there wasn’t really a role for “elder” and women seemed to do a lot more without being “unbiblical.” This drew me to some extent – there was greater need and greater ability to serve (even single!).

A lot of this mindset stayed with me as I entered seminary. I struggled with this “biblical” concept of womanhood and how it was to look, and what it was to mean to me, a woman. One of the biggest struggles I continue to face is that it is emotional – it tears me apart as I so desire to stay true to Scripture, yet how is that going to look as a woman? Especially (when I entered seminary), as a single woman? What was I supposed to study? What was my ministry going to look like as I am a woman? And why did this feel like more of a struggle then the men were facing?

And so, the journey (and struggle) would continue within seminary...

Why Seminaries Are Not "The" Answer

I came to seminary to be trained for ministry. One of the things I learned from coming to seminary is that they may not be the best place to train pastors or missionaries. I know, not the "conventional" wisdom of the time, but here's the deal - Jesus didn't model seminary life. Jesus did not tell people to go, sit in a class room, learn all these facts, then go do ministry. Jesus did ministry WITH the people he was training. He integrated it - he taught and did together so he could best teach these disciples.
I think this thought hit me my second semester here, and then it's smoldered ever since. It sprung a research paper and a Faculty Directed Study on ecclesiology (theology of the church). It led to confusion and many questions - how do we do church today? What's wrong with the local congregations that they can't train their own leaders? Where did seminaries (and other parachurch groups) come from and are they even biblical? And why on earth do we think people learning things makes them suitable for ministry?
I came to a few conclusions, but not absolute ones. I've realized that even if God didn't set up parachurch groups (and even if the local congregations should be more involved in some of the work the parachurch groups do), God can still use these parachurch groups. I've realized that we do live in a terribly broken and fallen world, and things won't be perfect... but it's good to dream, to challenge the status quo, to think things through biblically, and to pray. Oh, to pray should be the first thing done when one's heart breaks over the brokenness of the Church!
As for seminaries - I would not blindly recommend them to one considering ministry. I think there are other ways to just as effectively (if not more effectively) train and prepare people for ministry.

The Use of Time

I was talking with Jesus a few days ago about marriage and seasons of life. I've felt that last semester and the beginning of this semester I have spent an insane amount of time with my (now) husband, getting ready for marriage and being married. I'd come to the point of struggling with that - why so much time and attention on my husband (whom I do love dearly and love spending time with)? But I felt I'd been draw away (in a way) from "ministry" - from connecting well with the body of Christ and from loving and serving those around me and using what God had given me for the advancement of the gospel throughout the earth.
Yet, God seemed to be saying to me that I needed this time bonding with my husband. I felt a sense of relief that yes, God did want me to spend a lot of time with my husband and that this is a good thing to do. As I was reading a book on friendship, though, I started to realize part of the why of the matter. The book was speaking of the importance of spending lots of time with a new, potential "best friend" as important foundation for the rest of the friendship. In that, I realized God was granting this to Magnus and I - we got a lot of close, foundational time together so we could "internalize" each other, experience each other as we really are and learn to hold in the love the other has. Later in our marriage we will likely not have the same kind of time, and we will (in a way) go back to this time and remember the sweetness of the bonding and the time, how we felt, and this foundation will help sustain and enrich our marriage in the years to come.
May I continue to learn that every season is a precious gift from God, and that he continues to grow and mature us through them so we may be used for his glory throughout the earth.

God of the Impossible

This verse has been coming to mind over and over this week "But Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible" (Matthew 19:26). It's come to mind because I feel like I'm facing an "impossible" situation... again.
I feel like they come up frequently in my life - these situations which are nicely described as "difficult" or "challenging." I was also reminded of the Israelites' time in the dessert and approach to the Promised Land - the spies went in and looked at the land and said "This is impossible!" (my version, see Numbers 13). 
Here's what I love - regardless of time, space, situation - we serve a God of the impossible. We serve a God whose impossible love for us allowed Christ to come so we may have a relationship with him.
A God of the impossible who did use those scared Israelites to take the Promised Land (though 40 years later).
A God of the impossible who filled a boy's dream that his parents and brothers would bow down to him... just a few years later then expected (see Genesis 37,42).
So here I am waiting on the God of the impossible and trusting that he will work... even if it's not in the way, time, or manner that I expect.

Perfectionism and Marriage

I keep making the discovery that perfectionism and marriage do not go together. At all. I don't know why this is so hard for me to learn, and re-learn, but it is. I keep hoping, thinking, dreaming, that I will get it "right" - that I won't have to go back, rework things, and try again... but that somehow, magically, the first time it will be done right. And then we'll be in a pattern of doing things "right."
This is not the case, not the case at all.
Yet I still get frustrated. Last night I was talking with Magnus about a few things I was frustrated with and in the middle of the conversation realized my perfectionism was kicking in and that was really why I was so agitated. It's amazing how heavily I lean on desiring to do things "right" or "perfectly" and when it does not come live up to my expectation I feel as if I've failed.
Far from failing, though, God is teaching me, maturing me, and growing me deeply in my relationship with my husband and interactions with him. I am learning, and constantly learning. So hard to remember, but so true.
And I will continue to be learning throughout our married life as God brings new circumstances our way that will continue to challenge, shape and grow us.
May I continue to learn that it is not about doing it "right," but about growing and learning all God has for me through the process.

Spiritual Warfare (Another Thing I learned at Seminary)

For some reason coming to seminary and "spiritual warfare" did not go together in my mind - or at least not to the extent I've felt and experienced it. I don't know why, but I think that I felt that there wouldn't be that much turbulence in that area. I was sadly mistaken.

I noticed it the first year at seminary - there were just times when I would feel really beat down, really oppressed, quite frankly. Sometimes it would go away on its own, but more often it would go away when I talked to someone and asked them to pray, or if I would pray myself (though praying about it myself was not as frequent as asking others for prayer).

My second year it increased - dating Magnus and being the student-body president I think had something to do with it. I learned to identify the warfare more specifically the second year - feeling oppressed, feeling like I could not change my feelings, and then (when prayer came in) feeling a "weight" leave. I also had a friend who was actively teaching and encouraging me to learn to wage warfare on my own - not that others are not vital to my growth, but she wanted me to also learn how to stand by myself (Eph. 6:11-18). I learned to speak my prayers, to rebuke the enemy out loud. It felt crazy and a little scary at first, but I was amazed that when I recognized Christ's lordship and power, the Holy Spirit's indwelling, and commanded the presence to leave that it did! The "weight" would go away and the peace of Christ would come and comfort me.

This third year I am still learning of warfare - I am still being attacked and seeking to identify them earlier so they do not lead to sin. I am learning to identify them in Magnus as well (he's seeking to identify when he's attacked, too). We're seeking to repent and walk in the power of the Spirit on a continual basis. This is hard. It is not a constant victory - I feel I have many setbacks and I feel the devil keeps trying to convince me that I'm not being attacked, that he's not real. So I'm learning to see the subtlety of his deception.

I'm just so thankful that in Christ I'm a conqueror, in Christ I have victory, and in Christ I am secure. In Christ Christians have power over all the evil forces - what sweet assurance and security can be found in Christ.

Degrees of Sin

The other day Magnus and I were talking and I was getting irritated. There is a sin issue that he has, that we're both aware of, and it was just bothering me. I pointed it out (maybe with less humility and grace then I should have) and he responded that I went to the other extreme and that was just as much of a sin. I sighed and still pointed out that his issue was more annoying then mine (real humble and mature, huh?).
Later, I was driving and talking with Jesus about Magnus' issue and not really paying attention to mine, when Jesus reminded me of something really clear - my issue was still sin. I was trying so hard to avoid mine because I felt Magnus' was worse, but was absolutely ignoring my issue (log in my eye).
I feel like this is a frequent, and bad, habit of mine. I like to hold my sins close and say "well, they're not THAT bad" and just move on. But sin is sin - it's still infecting my life, I'm still allowing it to live. I am not being responsible for who I need to be responsible - myself - I am trying to focus on another.
I hope and pray that I continue to take responsibility for my own sin instead of spending time getting annoyed at others'.

I Like/Need to Knit in Class (What I've Learned in Seminary)

I discovered early on in my seminary career that knitting is beneficial to my class time. I had known this about myself in undergrad, but was surprised that this continued to be true in my seminary experience.
Part of what surprised me is due to my faulty expectations, part of it due to a forgetting of my own learning style. I expected each class to so enrapture my heart and attention that I would be hanging on every word. I think I had this belief that the professors would be these "super spiritual" Christians and their every word would be gold. Now to be honest, there are some great professors here who teach in engaging and inventive ways.
But their every word is not gold. Sometimes they even ramble. Sometimes my own personal studies have already prepared me for a class so that it doesn't seem like I'm learning anything new (not to their fault).
So I started knitting. Knitting helps me stay engaged when the professor may ramble or go off on good stories, but those that are unnecessary for testing - if I didn't knit, I'd write these stories down and then study them before a test and overload my brain with what I need to learn, not good. There's something freeing about knitting in that it just helps my hands stay busy so my mind can stay engaged.
So what I've learned is two-fold. The first is that professors are people just like any other Christian; their every word may not be gold (they even make mistakes sometimes!). The second is that I need to be ok with how I learn and not try and be a "good student" who just takes furious notes; it really hurts me in the long run.
The fun (unexpected) first lessons I learned at seminary.

Praying for Others

Yesterday I was getting a little discouraged. I was just feeling tired and worn out. So I went for a walk (thankfully, it was a gorgeous day). As I was walking around the prayer towers at school, I pulled out my prayer cards and started praying over the various people I have written on my handy prayer cards.
It amazed me how quickly it got my focus off myself and feeling connected with others. As I read a name, I remembered a recent conversation or email I had with a person which fueled more prayer. I loved it. It was such a sweet way to feel connected even when I do not see everyone on my prayer list super-frequently.
I think that's one of the beauties of prayer - it connects us. It allows us to have real impact on others who we may not see frequently or are hundreds of miles away. It also forced me to take my eyes off myself and my own trouble and to petition God on behalf of others. Something I have been struggling to make a habit of late. What a blessing and privilege God has granted us in the act of bringing our own (and other's) requests before him.

12 More Weeks

I realized last week that I have very limited time left at seminary, and the purpose of this blog was/is to talk about what I'm learning. It has turned out to be a wonderful processing place for me - sharing how God's shaped and molded me through this time - which has hopefully encouraged some.
Right now I'm in two classes and at the end of this semester I will have just one internship left, and that's it. But no more required courses (I'll hopefully sit in a few more while Magnus is completing his work).
So, I have just 12 more weeks of classes (plus one of Spring Break). To be honest, when this hit me it sort-of freaked me out. I feel like I'm supposed to be done and suddenly "know" what's next. I don't. I'm in my first two months of marriage and really trying to get my feet under me in that, so this whole graduation thing doesn't seem like that big a deal, yet at the same time I really want this degree and graduation to matter!
I know God will work - I know he will continue to guide Magnus and my path in His well thought out and planned way (that surprises and frustrates me). I know he will continue to provide for us, I know he will continue to remind me of his love and grace and teach me each step of the way.
But a season is about to end, a change is about to occur. And while that is exciting, there is a bit of godly mourning that needs to take place as I process and prefer to move forward.

Manna

I was talking with a friend yesterday and the concept of the Israelites came up... specifically, how often we feel like we can relate to the Israelites in the ease of complaining about situations. I mean, we read in the Bible how often they complained, but I don't think we sit down and think about the frequency of our complaints and how easy it is for us to stop trusting God.
Especially when God answers prayers. You see, the Israelites needed food, they prayed to God and asked, and he gave them manna (meaning - what is it?). They were happy (for a short while) and then began to grumble. My question - how much "manna" do I have in my life? Things I've prayed for... and then grumble about?
On the amazing list of things prayed for is Magnus (my husband), Magnus' new job (yay!), where we are living, being in seminary and so much more... yet how often do I start grumbling away at these things instead of continuing to remember these are kind blessings from the Lord?
More then I would like to admit. May my heart continue to learn to praise Jesus instead of grumble at the "what is it"s that I pray for.