Done (ish) and What's to Come

I have been some-what horrid at blogging this semester. There are so many different aspects that factor in, that I'm not sure I could list them all.
But the semester (and my time in seminary classrooms) has come to a close. This makes me incredibly sentimental, and I try to hold it together thinking about it, but it's a challenge. Such a significant portion of my life closed where God did SO much to grow and mature, and to abundantly bless me.
It has not been what I expected, and I am not where I expected; but I'm where I should be. It's always amusing to me how God works - always full of surprises, always something better.
And I'm still processing this whole experience. Thankfully, God has provided a way for me to continue to process - through writing a book on my time in seminary. I'm excited and terrified about this at the same time. I believe God is leading me in this direction, but thinking of filling a whole book sort-of makes my brain stop working. I don't know what to say, but I'm trusting as God led me to this, he will give me the words.
This will function as the part of my degree I've been holding onto that is not completed - a final internship requirement. Because of that, my blogging will either cease or become so sporadic as to be completely unpredictable (I know, with this semester of blogging there won't be much difference).
As for Magnus and I - he has been blessed with a full-time job as a chaplain working with high school age boys and is loving his job and the many opportunities to share the gospel. Which means, we will be staying in the South (and I have become aware I desperately need to learn more of the culture!).
Thankful for all God has done and all he will continue to do.

God's Constancy

I've been talking to God a lot about what's next - it has involved a whole lot of waiting, talking, and more waiting. As I've talked with God I've been reminded of some precious truths - that he will provide, that he is faithful, and that he knows that it is hard.
I know these are simple truths, but I've needed the constant reminder recently as I've been getting ready to graduate and just am wondering what's next in the journey. There will always be times like this - times where it feels like constant waiting, asking, and uncertainty. I remember that being the case when I was single and very much longing to be married, and God had me waiting because he has something good, wonderful in fact, in store for me - Magnus.
Now, I'm back to a similar position of waiting and trusting that God is the same - he is the same God who gives good gifts, who directs my path, and who cares for me. He has not forgotten and is not slow, but he is growing and teaching me through this time of waiting.

Whirlwind

I feel like this past week has gone by in a whirlwind. My time in seminary is winding down, but God is still teaching, stretching, and growing me.

What am I learning?
More about spiritual warfare, that's for sure! Feeling uncertain about the future can leave myself open for attack.
More abut God's timing - definitely different than mine (and leads to a lot of arguing with him).
More about the importance of remembering (if God has done SOOO much for me already, why on earth would he change now?).
More about the blessing my husband is (I just keep being pleasantly amazed at why God chose him for me - all the ways he balances me, encourages me, and fits me. So sweet!)

And hence, little blogging. My mind feels like it has been thrown from one thing to another and I barely have had time to process. But God is still God - he is still faithful, trustworthy, and true  - and I am still walking in trust and dependence on him, whatever stage of the journey I am in.

Selfish Love

Yesterday, I was brought face-to-face with the selfish nature of my love.
Magnus was having a rough day and I was REALLY irritated with him. I kept asking God what I should do and he kept responding "Love him." So I would go over and say something nice... and then add "but, I still think you're wrong" or some such phrasing. This happened three times. Three - I am a slow learner at times.
Finally, God started working on my heart  - he continued to tell me to love Magnus, but he also gently pointing out that telling him I love him "but" isn't really any sort of love. It's me being selfish, it's me wanting him to change before I am kind to him as opposed to laying aside my needs and wants and simply loving and serving him where he's at, as he is. God gently asked if I could love him - as he is - for the next week, month, year? I was struck by the selfishness of my love at that moment, and realized that I have been called to love and serve my husband, regardless of his mood, and that's what I needed to do.
I repented before the Lord and sought to walk in love (though not perfectly).
What I love about the Lord's work in this situation - within an hour God had gently convicted Magnus and his attitude did a 180.
God is so good - he loves us selflessly, and I know that learning to love as he does will be a life long process.

Living in Denial

I keep looking at the calendar and mentally acknowledging the countdown until the end of the semester. But what I fail to do is emotionally deal with the fact that I will be done with school. I keep telling myself that I'm not really done because I have an internship left... but really, at the end of the semester for all practical purposes, I'm done.
I'm in denial because I feel like I don't really know what's "next." I'm married. I have an internship set up... but I still am not sure what good my degree will come in, and that's frustrating, honestly. So, denial has cropped up.
When I face the reality that I am done, leaving, and moving on a mixture of emotions come up. Some excitement to see what God will do, but mostly fear and uncertainty because I still feel somewhat confused in the midst of it all. Fear likes to paralyze me and cause me to doubt God. It takes work to focus on God and the truth of who he is.
But in that work - in the midst of that battle - is where I find peace. I think back to what God did to get me here. I think back to his faithfulness in directing my steps along the way - of introducing Magnus and I and guiding us. And as I focus on who God is and what he's done... the fear slowly melts and trust begins to grow.
My hope and prayer is that trust will grow these last four weeks over and above the fear and that God will continue to prove himself faithful as he has through my walk with him.

Four More Weeks

The reality of school ending hits me sporadically. I say sporadically because there are those moments when I get sad about leaving the familiar and get freaked out about the lack of job options for when I finish here - but these are only moments.
Mostly, I'm focused on making it through the next four weeks - finishing classes well, continuing to navigate this whole marriage thing, and trying to manage the part-time job I currently have.
When I look out, I don't know what's next. I don't know what God's going to do, how He's going to move, but that so much reminds me of when I came here - I had no idea of the degree I was going to get or how I'd manage to make it through.
Yet here I am, on the other side, about to get a degree. Facing similar questions and the same God.
I'm just very thankful that God is the same - he is still trustworthy, good, reliable, faithful - so I do not need to worry, but simply continue to walk in obedience.

On Womanhood, the church, and the Bible (research and current - Part 4)

Then there’s my own biblical research – my grappling through deacons (which I believe has biblical support to be women. See Marshall's International Critical Commentary: The Pastoral Epistles) and sorting through 1 Timothy 2:11-15 and realizing that wow, there is SOLID biblical support to translate “authority” as “domineering” and so interpret that passage to address a specific group of women who were teaching in a domineering way and Paul’s basically saying “stop that!” I point you to Belleville’s  Teaching and Usurping Authority: 1 Timothy 2:11-15 and Towner’s The New International Commentary on the New Testament: The Letters to Timothy and Titus. Many more sources may be pointed to for a more complementarian view. I do not deny that as a source of interpretation, I'd only like to point out that a more egalitarian view also has valid ground.

So, my stance stance on women in leadership positions has changed. I could see a women teaching a man in a non-domineering way and that being biblical. I’ve done it (I believe). I would say to the egalitarians, though, that I do still lean towards wanting a male senior pastor as I believe that the husband is the head/authority of the wife and that it helps to see it lived out in the church. But this is no longer a make-or-break issue for me.

That’s where I stand, but I’m not yet done growing, I’m not done processing. I’m still learning, maturing, changing. And it’s still an emotional issue for me. But one thing I know – the American church is in desperate need of more godly, non-domineering, female leaders in its ranks! It can be easy for me to see this view and hold this view tight - even forcing it when it shouldn't be forced. In all the differing views, I think there needs to be a stronger dose of love and humility. Whatever side we fall on, we must be prepared to be winning and winsome and remember to let love rule all - for we still desperately need unity and love within the body of Christ.